So when I look at her
industriousness in the kitchen, and I think how easily I could eat cereal for
supper, I judge myself – why can’t I be different, more hard working and less lazy. But is this helpful?
Such thinking
arises out of our ingrained, unconscious judging habit that is operating constantly. Things are either good/bad, right/wrong,
black/white, sinful/holy. We rarely see
the world and our lives clearly and without bias. Everything is processed through the colored
lens of our desires, aversions, or indifference. Our experiences
aren’t immune to such judgments -- everything we experience, do, think
is being rated by us --- all the time! And
typically our conclusions are that we or others are lacking or deficient in some way.
So how does critical
thinking differ from judging?
Critical thinking is the
ability to see clearly what’s happening. For example: critical
thinking can be observing one car is faster than another, or that one person is
more outgoing than another person. It is a necessary and important skill for good decision making and success.
Judging is observing, comparing,
and then degrading one of the things as lesser than or lacking in some way. So in the car example, it’s noting that one
car is slower and then condemning the slower car as weaker, not well made, or flawed.
So with judging there’s always negativity attached to the observation.
The Buddha talked of laying judgment
on top of pain as the two arrows. In my case
of not enjoying cooking: the first arrow
is noticing that I don’t enjoy cooking, and this is painful to me because it’s
a daily task. The second arrow is the shaming
or mental anguish layered onto that original pain. So we increase our suffering through insults added to the original injury.
When we judge, we become myopic. Judgments skew our ability to see the bigger
picture or to healthily relate to something we’ve deemed inadequate, a failure, unfair, or wrong. Basically we write a situation or person off
as no longer being of value. Our tendency is to walk away. We stop looking and then fail to see that
every situation and person has a lesson to teach us.
So if we want to learn
what we are here to learn, and to live our lives to their fullest potential, we
need to be willing to face life’s challenges head on. This requires that we train ourselves to remain
open to difficult situations and people even when we would like to walk away. At the core of this recognition is the
understanding that joy isn’t separate from the messiness of our lives.
We can learn to stay with
our initial pain or challenge without adding mental suffering to it by:
·
Staying present – notice when your mind wanders into the future or past;
see what kind of thoughts you are having, and then come back to the present
moment.
·
Getting interested in your perceptions – be curious about how your mind
makes up stories and judgments about people and circumstances.
·
Staying with and exploring whatever arises in you – sit with feelings of fear,
sadness, pain, anger, hate or even love, joy and tenderness.
·
Growing grateful – notice what’s going right in your life.
·
Helping others – extend a hand to someone in pain or suffering.
·
Knowing that challenges stretch us – recognize we are strong and
resilient.
·
Forgiving – be gentle and compassionate with ourselves and others for judging.
·
Choosing to respond – engage life more healthily from a broader open perspective.
And if all of this is
difficult to do (which it may well be), then notice the pain that arises from
struggling to become less judgmental and more mindful. Then
with kindness and humour, keep plugging away at it.
By praciticing these steps
a little bit every day, we can begin to change life-long habits of judging and
harming ourselves and others.
May you meet your next
challenge as a friend.
