Difficult Opportunities

SQUEEZED

    This summer my sisters, from South Africa, visited.  We (my other sister who lives close by) were very excited, and expectations were soaring for fun outings and creative, bonding time.  Two weeks into the holiday, I noticed I was growing increasingly irritable.  I was tense and snappy to the point I found it hard to even smile at my sisters.

     Throughout my day, I kept asking myself “what’s going on here?”  I discovered I was hurt and disappointed that my sisters hadn’t come to stay at my place.  From the time they’d arrived, they’d settled in at my other sister’s home and had become comfortable there.   These feelings of disappointment and hurt became a story of rejection; that I was being rejected.  And rejection became expressed as anger.  After realizing what was going on, I talked with them.

     Often when we are in pain, the anger we express is an attempt to stop the hurt, and to feel better about ourselves.  Anger isn’t the root; it’s the fruit.  The root is the bone deep pain, which leaves us bleeding and vulnerable.  Rather than viewing this space of pain and vulnerability as bad or by reactively shoving it aside, we can see it as full of potential.

     Such moments of ‘weakness’ help us see where we are stuck, or where we have a blind spot.  Our habit is to surround ourselves with things, people, and situations that bolster us and stroke our egos, which isn’t necessarily wrong or right.  It is just that as long as everything is hunky dory, we never take the time to learn about ourselves,and to discover where we still need to grow.  We only want to see ourselves as strong and holding it all together; we don’t like seeing our weaknesses.

      The gift we are given when our fallibilities are exposed is like a wake-up call to notice what’s happening.  It is the sign that this is an area where I need to be more open, flexible, and kind or whatever. 

The intention isn’t to overcome all these ‘neuroses, or failings’ to become perfect.  Instead it is about training to refrain from indulging in habitual reactions born out of pain and which increase our and others' suffering.

     Rather than shutting down or repressing uncomfortable emotions, we can choose to sit with the discomfort: anger, fear, worry, and hurt.  We pay attention to what happens in us as we remain with the feelings.  We notice how the mind weaves a story to justify the hurt or fuel the anger.   We see how the body – the chest and stomach harden, and the facial muscles tense up.  We observe all this, and do so with kindness for ourselves and the other person/people.

     Compassion and non judgment of what’s occurring is important because the tendency for some would be to retaliate against oneself rather than someone else.  Such retaliation would still be playing out old patterns of reacting.  The aim here is to grow awareness of how we react when we are exposed and hurt, so in such future episodes we catch ourselves sooner and thereby lessen our and others pain. We practise in this way to recognize what’s happening in the moment and within us to avoid reacting in ways that hook us and keep us repeating unhelpful patterns. 

      So with kindness and gentleness we notice what’s happening and we cultivate the attitude that despite the situation being embarrassing, frightening, or distressing, it is a learning opportunity.  

    Obviously this is a lifetime’s work – awareness and clear seeing is required each moment in life.  And each moment also presents the opportunity to start fresh. 

     May you be happy.