SQUEEZED |
Throughout my day, I kept asking myself “what’s
going on here?” I discovered I was hurt
and disappointed that my sisters hadn’t come to stay at my place. From the time they’d arrived, they’d settled
in at my other sister’s home and had become comfortable there. These feelings of disappointment and hurt
became a story of rejection; that I was being rejected. And rejection became expressed as anger. After realizing what was going on, I talked with them.
Often when we are in pain, the anger we express is
an attempt to stop the hurt, and to feel better about ourselves. Anger isn’t the root; it’s the fruit. The root is the bone deep pain, which leaves
us bleeding and vulnerable. Rather than
viewing this space of pain and vulnerability as bad or by reactively shoving it
aside, we can see it as full of potential.
Such moments of ‘weakness’ help us see where we are
stuck, or where we have a blind spot. Our habit is to surround
ourselves with things, people, and situations that bolster us and stroke our
egos, which isn’t necessarily wrong or right. It
is just that as long as everything is hunky dory, we never take the time to
learn about ourselves,and to discover where we still need to grow. We only want to see ourselves as strong and
holding it all together; we don’t like seeing our weaknesses.
The gift we are given when our fallibilities are
exposed is like a wake-up call to notice what’s happening. It is the sign that this is an area where I
need to be more open, flexible, and kind or whatever.
The intention isn’t to overcome all these
‘neuroses, or failings’ to become perfect.
Instead it is about training to refrain from indulging in habitual
reactions born out of pain and which increase our and others' suffering.
Rather than shutting down or repressing
uncomfortable emotions, we can choose to sit with the discomfort: anger, fear,
worry, and hurt. We pay attention to
what happens in us as we remain with the feelings. We notice how the mind weaves a story to
justify the hurt or fuel the anger. We
see how the body – the chest and stomach harden, and the facial muscles tense
up. We observe all this, and do so with
kindness for ourselves and the other person/people.
Compassion and non judgment of what’s occurring is
important because the tendency for some would be to retaliate against oneself
rather than someone else. Such retaliation
would still be playing out old patterns of reacting. The aim here is to grow awareness of how we
react when we are exposed and hurt, so in such future episodes we catch
ourselves sooner and thereby lessen our and others pain. We practise in this way to recognize what’s happening in the moment and within us to avoid reacting in ways that hook us and keep us repeating unhelpful patterns.
So with
kindness and gentleness we notice what’s happening and we cultivate the
attitude that despite the situation being embarrassing, frightening, or
distressing, it is a learning opportunity.
Obviously this is a lifetime’s work – awareness and
clear seeing is required each moment in life.
And each moment also presents the opportunity to start fresh.
May you be happy.
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Thank you for your feedback. Casey