7 Steps To Freedom

        Do you know that person who says “better the devil you know than the one you don’t?” How about the person who is game for whatever comes up in the moment, and always seems to make the best of situations?  Ever wondered what the difference is between these two types of people?

       When I was in college, I arrived early each day because parking was a nightmare.  I used the time to catch up on research and writing.  Another habit was to arrive a half hour early for my writing class.  I’d flop down  outside the door, tense and anxious for the morning session to let out.  Usually I was the only ‘early’ arrival.  This was odd behavior.  Not only was I early but I was very anxious to be early.   I realized I was struggling  to maintain what I perceived to be a comfortable situation for me – to get the front row middle seat.  I was determined that no one should take what I was inwardly calling ‘my’ seat.  That seat was my comfort zone. 

       We all have comfort zones.  Our favorite seat on the sofa or train, our familiar local restaurant, our favorite food, our comforting weekend activity, our set of friends.  These ‘habits’ define and shape our lives.   According to Dr. Judith Sills in her book “The Comfort Trap”, comfort has a physical component where the body feels contrasting reliefs – hot/cold, loose/tight, rest/effort etc.  If we just felt cold all the time or hot all the time this would be unbearable for us, so we need cool when we are warm and vice versa.  The emotional component of comfort known as "fit" is much harder to explain; it partly arises out of routines.  Every time we create a routine or habit it’s so that we can feel emotionally comfortable in an activity, place, or with a person.  Fit is something that feels familiar and feels like us.  Based on our routines, we create countless little comfort zones throughout our lives.

      Even though routines help us get through the day with less effort, their adverse aspect is they can easily stop being satisfying or helpful. The agonizing appeal of staying in unhealthy marriages or jobs is that they are familiar to us.  Such routine comforts become limiting ruts.  Anxiety and fear keep us trapped in untenable circumstances because it takes courage and practice to leave the safety of our cocoons, and to make change.

       When our comfort zone is too narrow, our chances of feeling inconvenienced, ill at ease, or disappointed rise accordingly.  Conversely flexible people who are comfortable in any situation are able to go with the flow, handle the unexpected easily, and take more risks.  Their attitude allows them the opportunity to have more good and bad experiences in life.  And this helps them to better know both themselves and their coping ability in various situations.  Because they've grown their ability to face discomfort, they can see themselves clearly with all their imperfections. 

         In order to live a successful, meaningful, fulfilling life we have to be willing to leave our comfort zone.  Exposing ourselves to new experiences includes mindfully attending to our own minds and bodies, and this grows our emotional intelligence.  The willingness to clearly see and accept our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and impulses trains us to be with the discomfort of being a fallible and simultaneously beautiful human being.  Even though we’d love to avoid the space where we are uncertain, and in the unfamiliar, it is vital to move towards it if we want to grow.  

       The fact is there is no way around our fears, heartbreak, or sadness:  we have to look at them, be in them, and go through them.  And none of this is possible without courage.  Oddly it is in practicing kindness and compassion for whatever we encounter in ourselves that grows our courage and bravery. This acceptance of ourselves exactly as we are also helps us be kind to others when they fail or stumble.  When we know ourselves, our intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships improve.  

      The first step towards change is awareness. 

      It is important to know what change you want and why you want it.  This intrinsic motivation will give you the courage and strength to face uncertainty and persevere toward your goal.  As with all new things, you’ll encounter discomfort and anxiety. 

      To break out of your comfort trap, get you moving in a new direction, and towards greater satisfaction in life, here are Dr. Sills':

      7 Steps to Freedom (p. 22) - 

1.      Face what hurts: Look for what’s missing, frustrating, or stifling in your life or current comfort zone.  We distract ourselves from this pain by fantasizing or denying what’s happening.

2.      Create a vision: what do you hope to gain or where do you want to end up?

3.      Make a decision: when do you change or leave?  How do you arrive at this decision?  Is your current situation working?

4.      Identify your pattern:  Look to your past – have you made changes before? How did you do it in the past?  What can you do again this time?

5.      Let Go:  identify the emotions that are holding you hostage (guilt, obligation attachment) in your current situation.  Are there any losses you will suffer with this change?  Can you minimize the losses?

6.      Face your Fear:  Know what you are afraid of and what makes you anxious.  It is what stands between you and your goal and heart’s desire.  You must know what you are facing.

7.      Take Action: consider your next steps to get you moving. You will need to act so what will you do, say, choose to get moving?

As scary as change is for us, we are all capable of it.  We just have to be willing to be affirm our heart’s wish over our fears.

May you be free from fear to fully enjoy life.

REFERENCE:

Sills, J. PhD. “The Comfort Trap: or What if You’re Riding a Dead Horse.”  Viking Penguin Group.  New York, NY.  2004.