Reacting and Responding

      The practice of mindfulness emphasizes responding rather than reacting.  It suggests first recognizing what you do unconsciously i.e. notice your habitual reactions, and then choose how or whether to respond.  These words – react and respond – may be ones we’ve heard and even have some vague understanding of, but do we understand what they mean viscerally? 

      When something is a habit, it can become so ingrained it becomes unconscious.  So this distinction between responding and reacting may not be understood so well. For many of us, when something upsets or irritates us, we fail to recognize the initial symptoms that our body is communicating, which can alert us that we are about to react.  When I was young, it seemed like my mother was constantly telling me to breathe and count to ten to prevent me from exploding in rage.  It was good advice.  The thing is I only knew I was angry when I was already screaming and kicking things.  I wasn’t able to identify the tell-tale signs of growing anger in my body.  Mindfulness helped me identify what my particular symptoms are when I’m about to react.  This month’s article will help us learn how to distinguish between reacting and responding with examples to illustrate. 

      Our emotions particularly difficult ones like anger, sadness, and anxiety cause us much distress because we think they are bad and therefore assume they make us bad.  We automatically try to get rid of our ‘bad’ feelings and emotions. The fact is they are a natural part of who we are.  More importantly, they have the ability to teach us about ourselves, so they aren’t a problem in and of themselves.  They only become “problematic’ in how we express them.

      How we deal with difficult, painful or traumatic emotions and feelings is the difference between reacting and responding.  Obviously sometimes reacting is absolutely vital.  If a dog is charging towards you or a car hurtling towards a child, reacting is important and necessary because safety and survival depends on it; there’s no time to ponder what action needs doing. However, chances are we don’t have to call on this instinctive response too often in our everyday lives.  Using this default behavior all the time and in all situations is when we run into trouble.

      Typically reactions happen:

a.       very fast,

b.      are instinctive and immediate,

c.       without thought of the consequences,

d.      and you feel constricted and tight in your thoughts and feelings,

      For example:  your husband or sister asks you: “are you going out in that dress?”  You retaliate with a snappy comeback.  This is a reaction.  Your mind perceived an insult or attack in their question.  Without pausing to ask “I wonder why they are asking that question?” you immediately assume you are being judged.  The fact is he or she could be questioning your choice because the dress has a stain or is torn.  Even if there’s past experience where they might have judged you (which will influence your current outlook), you just don’t know if in this particular instance they may be asking it for a different reason. 

      So when we react, we quite often aren’t living in the present moment, instead we are living through our past experiences and ideas of the situations and people.  Ultimately, it is our idea of what we think they are saying that causes the reaction.  Whenever the gap, pause or space between a stimulus and response is non-existent, that’s a reaction. 

      Another example of a reaction:  My sister and I used to go through this maddening scenario.  I used to be upset that I always had to go to her house for dinners, or to hang out, and that she rarely came to my place.  My perception of this situation was it was unfair.  So whenever I asked her to come over and she gave her reason for declining, I was unable to hear it. Worse still, I used to distrust her reason.  In my mind, it was just an excuse.  In a vexed tone, I would reply “Oh, okay then,” but this statement used to be delivered with the finality of a death blow. On a bad day, I would immediately challenge her to explain herself, or even outright accuse her of lying. We inevitably ended up arguing.

      With reactions, there are several emotional and mental factors that influence us:

a.        the ideas we hold about the person, our attitude, or the situation

b.      our desire for what we’d like to have happen in the situation

c.       our aversion to things we don’t want to happen in the situation

      It boils down to our beliefs, and our likes and dislikes; they all influence what we’ll do and say in situations. With reacting, we rarely see the person or situation for who or what it is, rather we see them through our ideas of them.  If we routinely attack, lash out or snap at people, then with each repetition, we will strengthen that habit.  But we can train ourselves to stop our habitual reactivity.  And we do this by mindfully responding. 

Learning to Respond:

      Responding is the exact opposite of reacting.  It requires some self-reflection in advance or soon after an episode where you might have reacted.  This is necessary groundwork to help alert you to what you do and say when triggered.  To respond in a difficult situation, you:

                  1.    see clearly what’s happening as it is happening (approach each situation with an open                           mind and as if it’s happening for the first time),

2.      know your attitudes towards or beliefs about the person or situation,

3.      recognize the symptoms of frustration, anger or sadness in your mind and body,

4.      are aware of the consequences of reacting (usually based on past experience),

5.      give yourself time to breathe and think (feels expansive and wide open)

6.      choose/decide your next move or words

7.      set the intention to defuse the situation, lessen the anguish of another or yourself, or            simply avoid adding to the present misery

8.      develop some humor or lightness about the situation

      In the example with my sister:  prior to asking her over again, I would first reflect on why and what I consider unfair.  This will show me whether I’m being too rigid or need flexibility and so on.  I could train in not taking it so seriously.  These will help prepare me to hear her answer whatever it may be.  When we know the tendencies that limit or expand us, a space is born within which we can respond.

      The process of responding doesn’t mean we negate or repress our feelings of sadness, disappointment or irritation even.  It asks that we acknowledge our feelings, but still hold back long enough to choose our action, words, and desired outcome. So to respond requires that I know:

·         where and what will trigger me into reacting

·         what the bodily feelings, thoughts, emotional manifestations are when I’m triggered

·         not to get swept away in the strong emotion and sensations

·        to stop and consider my next move.

      Another example of responding:  say you are walking in a crowd and someone bumps into you from behind. Instead of spinning around and pushing them back, you stop.  Feel the pain of the contact, and think: “I wonder if this person stumbled or is feeling ill”.  This gives the other person the chance to apologize or explain.  Simply by waiting or considering another possibility, you create room to allow both people to walk away from the situation calmly, and maybe even happily. 

      I know that to respond isn’t always easy and can be quite demanding.  But just like any other habit – good or bad – it requires practice.  If you try it once and experience improved relationships or other positive results, it will motivate you to continue. We have one lifetime in which to build healthy relationships with the people in our lives.  Life is fleeting.  And death is the harsh reminder of how well we invested our time, energy and attention.  So we should invest these valuable commodities wisely to get good returns. 

      Try not to hold yourself to unreasonable expectations; know that you will forget and react –reacting is a habit, after all.  When this happens, be kind and interested in what just happened. Consider the ‘slip’ a lesson – learn what happened in your mind and body and what you thought was occurring.  This will prepare you for your next encounter of this kind.  With time and practice responding will become your operating mode – a new healthier habit.

     May you meet the next moment with friendly interest.