Interpreting our Way to Greater Happiness

     Some situations in life aren’t taught to us, and yet when faced with them, we assume we should somehow know how to deal with them.  How do you handle such occurrences in your life?  How many “shoulds”, “musts”, “have tos” do you impose on yourself?  And how does the interpretation of “should have done”, or “would have to,” influence how you feel about yourself and the situation you are facing?  

  The interpretation we ascribe to a situation directly contributes to how much or little stress we will feel.  We can ask ourselves: “are my interpretations of occurrences in my life beneficial or harmful to me?  Do they ease or burden my life? 

  When we approach every situation with the attitude that we should know how to deal with them, then we are setting ourselves up for high stress.  All of us had to, at some point, learn to walk, drive, interview for a job, cross the street, answer a research question – we weren’t born knowing these skills.  And right up to this very moment, some of you may be learning new information from reading this article.  So the acquisition of knowledge is an ongoing skills-building activity that is a lifelong process.  Indeed our 'success' in life depends on our adaptability and open responsiveness to unfolding life situations.  So consider this:  do we understand the crucial difference between taking offense versus being harmed? 

  Sometimes realization can come in the simplest way.  I'm remembering an incident from many years ago that brought home the difference between being offended and harmed, and simultaneously awakened my inner critic : “how could I have not known this before?”  One day I was complaining to a friend about my awful job situation and she replied, “you take things too personally.”  I instantly defended my position.  Later on, however, I pondered her odd remark.   

     Even though I had reacted by righteously defending my interpretation of the situation at my job, I will always be grateful to her for that comment.  Its incisiveness cut through to my blind spot – it showed me that in life there’s always another possible interpretation or response.  I might have intellectually known this, but I hadn’t really understood it.

     Typically our interpretations are reactions born out of our beliefs, attitudes, and conditioning.  A reaction naturally precludes other perspectives.  Its swiftness swallows up the gap of space to breathe, be present, and reflect on what’s occurring.  In short, reactivity shuts down possibilities. 

      So let’s return to the difference between being offended and being harmed.  According to Lou Marinoff in his book, “Plato, Not Prozac,” the difference is essentially one of interpretation.  He explains it this way.  If someone slaps you in the face, then this is being harmed.  There’s only one interpretation possible.  If, however, someone said you were lazy and useless, here there is more than one possible interpretation.  You will have to do some self-reflection and then determine how true the remark is or isn’t.  In this instance, you CHOOSE whether to be offended or to simply shrug off the remark.  The latter is largely dependent on your interpretation of the accuracy of the remark, whereas the former is determined by the physical pain you experience, which isn’t subject to interpretation.  You may have already know this, I didn’t and was very glad for the reminder. 

     The disadvantages of applying the “should know” interpretation is that we –

·         fail to see and appreciate what’s actually happening in the moment,

·         expect perfection from ourselves,

·         become combative with and judgmental of ourselves,

·         don’t learn from the situation or about our coping ability,

·         don’t allow all possibilities to come to bear in the situation.

My friend’s timely comment helped me see an option existed to respond i.e. to interpret the situation so as to benefit me and possibly the other person too.  This is helpful in building healthy relationships, as we don’t live in isolation.  Our lives are constantly intersecting with people who hold vastly differing ideas and attitudes, and in order to peacefully coexist and successfully interact with them, we need skills that can benefit us to this end.

 Mindfulness helps us to notice our own reactivity whether it is taking offense, verbally and physically retaliating, insulting ourselves and so on.  In the practice of mindful awareness, we use ourselves as the training ground for growing our responsiveness.  We allow and accept whatever arises in our mind and emotions. With time, inch by inch we grow to accept ourselves, as we are.  When we accept ourselves, we become more able to clearly see and flow with whatever life brings us – pain or joy.  And the more clearly we see, the clearer our interpretations of life will be.

May you interpret your way to happiness.