Tips on When to Speak or Remain Silent

    Spending time with people from different cultural backgrounds can create moments of wondrous learning, stunned embarrassment, and uproarious hilarity.  On a recent trip to Costa Rica where, we travelled for the first time with a tour group, we were exposed to some people who seemed to lack a verbal filter. 

    One woman, in particular, made a habit of speaking every thought that entered her mind.  Her hurtful rem

arks were often accompanied by a giggle and a quirked eyebrow.  Even as I would stare in horrified disbelief at her, I felt she didn’t think her words were offensive.    In fact, she seemed to think they were funny, and would blithely go on speaking and laughing as if a bomb hadn’t just fallen into the space.

    Like all habits, she had honed this bad one into a fine skill.

    We speak for many reasons: to entertain, to inform, to fill uncomfortable silence, to deflect, to express, to chatter, and to gossip. 

    As with any skill, we have to know when to employ it.  And with speech, knowing what to say and when to say it is paramount. 

    To know when to speak and when to remain silent, we have to develop awareness of what’s happening in our mind. 

    This kind of knowing is extremely helpful because it empowers us to see what we are about to say, and to be able to change our mind about verbalizing it, if need be. 

    We don’t think of our mind as being changeable, but it is most workable.  When I was a child I adored ice cream.  In my teens, it became evident that my ice cream passion was packing on the pounds.  I clearly remember thinking, "then I won’t like ice cream and milkshake anymore".  My decision to dislike them was so strong that to this day, I can turn away from them without any difficulty. 

    Likewise, gaining insight into the kind of thought that predominates in our mind, is very revealing and helpful.  If we are constantly worrying, complaining, or happy then the words that we’ll speak will mostly be in alignment with our thoughts.  For instance, in a situation where you are observing what’s happening, you can train yourself to notice when you are wishing for something to be different, or someone to act differently, or to see the story you are creating in your mind about the people and situation.

    The words that come out of our mouths are first born in our thoughts.  The energy and strength behind those words are fueled by our feelings.  

    The state of our mind makes us happy or unhappy.  Therefore, it is absolutely vital to work with our minds. 

    To recognize our mind state, we meditate or pay mindful attention to our thoughts and feelings. In meditation, we are training the mind to remain on a neutral object like the breath.  This is especially important if we discover that our regular thinking pattern is full of judgment and criticism.  Maintaining the attention on the breath over time neutralizes the negativity of our mindset.

     In this way, we lessen the habit of thinking negative thoughts, which in turn prevents us from speaking harshly.

     We can create happiness in our lives and our relationships by monitoring the state of our mind.  In every situation where we feel compelled to comment or advise, we have to be absolutely clear on the following:

1.      What am I feeling now?

2.      What am I thinking now?

3.      Is what I am about to say true?

4.      Is it helpful?

5.      Is it necessary?

6.      Is this the correct time to say it?

7.      What is my motivation for saying it?

     Practicing when to speak helps develop the skill and habit of creating a positive mind state for yourself and helps foster healthy relationships and vice versa.

     May you be empowered to speak wisely.