The word discipline may be vile to some. To them it means following externally-derived
and enforced rules and being punished for disobeying those rules. But a more powerful kind of discipline is
self-discipline also called self-control, which effectively motivates or
restrains one’s actions, speech and thought to benefit oneself and others.
We’ve all had some experience with inner discipline: we get up for our morning jog or walk, sit in
meditation, complete a project, hold our tongues, or take a rest
even when we’d
rather not do so. Recently we’ve been exposed to “politicians”
in our media who haven’t displayed much self-restraint in speech. Despite the shocking success they may be
enjoying, it is far wiser to practice willpower in not rashly speaking and acting,
as it is a better determiner of future happiness.
Our strongest ally in maintaining self-discipline is mindfulness. Noticing which of our behaviors, thoughts and
attitudes serve us well and which ones fail us, will guide us to making
beneficial choices in situations and with people. More importantly, even if more distressingly,
when we recognize the result (arguments, hurt feelings, sadness, betrayal) of our
thoughts, actions, and, speech it will starkly reveal the ways we create or
contribute to our own suffering.
The other day a neighbor’s son-in-law screamed vile abuse at
me because I asked his daughter to please not walk on the gravel and to be
careful with my two day old plants. He
ranted and raved repeatedly bellowing out “how are we harming the rocks?” Despite my shock, I saw how his selective
hearing had hobbled him. It had blocked
out my request to be careful with the plants and left only the part he chose to
hear -- that I was saying she was harming the gravel. He'd grasped onto that flimsy absurd reason so
he could vent. Long after I’d gone back
into the house, I could hear him still swearing me.
Most of us begin to practice self-restraint when we notice
some unhealthy or unhelpful habit we’ve developed. Initially we do it for ourselves. With practice, wise thought, speech and
action improves our interpersonal relationships too. The most powerful effect of self-discipline
is the lessening of our habitual reactivity.
The man next door is in the habit of being angry. His disproportionate rapid-fire rage told me this was well honed habit. This habit robs him of the discipline and emotional
intelligence to establish meaningful happy relationships.
The saddest part of this unfortunate scenario is that he is so
accustomed to having an upset mind, which unsettles his emotions and
body, which further disturbs his mind, that he is oblivious to it. Years of unrestrained boldly-displayed anger
has imprisoned him in his own volatility.
Being angry is a particularly unpleasant experience: tight,
hot, and with the urge to lash out.
I have been working on curbing my short fuse. Years of mindfully monitoring the physical
symptoms of bourgeoning anger, knowing the situations that trigger it, and
understanding the disadvantage it creates for me and others have definitely
lessened this tendency. Anger like
overeating, worrying, hating etc. is just a habit. And the way to free ourselves from such
reactivity is self-control or discipline.
Honest examination of ourselves after we lose our temper is
especially helpful in compassionately understanding our bad habits. This too requires discipline. We’ll find that we become perturbed when we are
wishing for things to be different than what they are. Sometimes one may be justified in speaking
out (like in the case with my neighbor’s in law) but that doesn’t mean it’s
always helpful.
It is wiser and more helpful to invest energy in keeping an
open heart and mind especially when the instinct is to harden. We can extend inner discipline to include
recognizing when:
·
we by gossip, lie, or speak harshly we are harming
ourselves and others
·
we are being distrustful and suspicious to offer
tolerance instead.
Discipline as a daily practice requires we weigh the value
in thinking, speaking and acting with kindness and generosity of spirit. Such an approach will curb our negative habits and yield greater happiness
for yourself and those around you.
May your heart and mind be
filled with loving self-control
