The other day at Home Depot, two men got into a heated argument over
who had broken the queue. One of the
men, a giant over 6ft, stalked over to the shorter man, and looming over him challenged
and swore him. The shorter man, visibly
pale, but furious tried to act macho as he weakly parried insult for
insult. I watched horror stricken,
hoping they wouldn’t come to blows.
When I was in India a couple of months ago, I got into an argument with a few people who I thought were trying to cheat me. I related this incident to students in my
meditation class. One student asked me
if I felt good after angrily telling them off.
I said no because I was embarrassed at having forgotten my training and
losing my cool. And my ranting hadn’t changed
the outcome. The futility of anger is
clarified in this quote by the 8th Century Indian Buddhist monk
Shantideva:
“If something can be remedied,
why get upset?
If something can’t be remedied,
why get upset?”
Venting my anger had only succeeded in making my body
tremble, heart race, and left me feeling exhausted and impotent. I had wasted energy but had achieved nothing of
benefit. I could tell my answer hadn’t
satisfied her or many other students.
I’ve since thought more about her question. We assume that when we vent our anger we are
at least not letting ourselves be taken advantage of and we are fighting
back. These were certainly the thoughts
and feelings flashing through me during my Indian altercation.
We are living in challenging times in a world and country that’s polarized, where
distrust and distress are growing every day. With the daily onslaught to our civil
and social rights and the loss of human life in racial attacks, there's good reason to be upset, but we should be careful not to vent our anger.
Anger isn’t bad, but it is unhealthy. Sometimes it is justified. The trouble with
it though is that even if the anger is valid, becoming enraged is not a skillful response.
Anger can make us feel powerful. And while it may occasionally get us what we
want, as a long term strategy for dealing with frustration it isn’t effective. Anger
is destructive to ourselves and others.
The Buddha said, “we
will NOT BE punished FOR our anger but BY our anger.”
If we use lashing out, avenging, or swearing as a response
in stressful times, we strengthen the habit.
As the habit strengthens, our tolerance weakens, and it will take less and less to upset us. Then
the time and space in which to process and decide how to act will drastically
decrease. And so this spiral will
tighten.
A mindful attitude can reduce
the duration and level of our anger.
Begin by:
· Noticing you are feeling a strong emotion and acknowledge
it as anger – “I am feeling angry”
·
Identify the bodily sensations accompanying
anger: rapid heart rate and breathing,
flushed face, tight stomach and fists, sweating palms etc.
·
Pay attention to the kind of thoughts you are
having (it’s others fault, “always” statements, “I know you think”…etc). Such thoughts fuel our anger.
·
Accept your anger; this will help you manage it.
·
Try and separate from the emotion and the situation. Create distance between yourself and the
thoughts and the people you are upset with.
·
Breathe deeply into your belly and count to ten to create distance between your thoughts and emotions
·
Imagine yourself getting calmer; see the anger
dissolving.
Reigning in the anger habit is difficult. It will take time, so be patient with
yourself. Know that you will forget and
react in a habitual way. Practise self-forgiveness. And remember constant practice will bring about
the desired change.
May you be free from anger’s destruction.
