As
I write this and look out the window, the storm clouds are swooping in and the
darkening sky is threatening heavy rains.
Newly sprung leaves and buds on the tree outside my window are shrinking
as the temperature drops. It certainly
doesn’t look or feel like Spring. But Easter is around the corner. And we most commonly think of Easter as a
time of rebirth, reawakening and renewal.
What other meanings does this time of year connote?
Recently
I was on a phone call. And the person on
the other end asked me why someone we both knew was always angry with her. Their relationship has always been strained,
and labors under much unspoken feelings of betrayal, misjudgments, assumptions and
habitual reactions. Both parties suffer
confusion, anger, and deep hurt. This
person said she was willing to apologize for whatever wrong she might have
done, so that they could heal the rift. Knowing this was a situation they
needed to resolve between themselves, I suggested that she directly ask the
person. I reminded her, the only thing
within her power was to request forgiveness. If the other person was unable to
hear, accept or grant it, then she would have to forgive herself, and if able, to
wish the best for the other person. This conversation reminded me of another
meaning of Easter and Spring – forgiving and forgiveness.
I
pondered why someone would willingly choose to hold onto anger when anger
weighs so heavily and forgiveness sits so lightly on the soul. For most of us, reactions rule our way of
being. In some cases (not all obviously)
we aren’t fully aware of the harm we cause others and ourselves with our
actions and words. A downside to our
adaptability and resilience is that we can grow accustomed to even those things
that are uncomfortable and unpleasant. So,
if the other person spurns the request for forgiveness, it may be because being
angry has now become a habit.
One
way of moving closer to learning to forgive ourselves and others is by becoming
intimately aware of how much conditioning rather than thoughtful responses
govern our thoughts, actions and feelings. This knowledge combined with the acceptance of
our own fallibility, moves us further on the path to practicing more
forgiveness in our life.
A
process for forgiving yourself and others
·
Start slow
and small. In other words, if you are
seeking or giving forgiveness, practice how to do this on the little issues and
disagreements in life. Avoid the hot
button or traumatic episodes in the beginning.
·
If it is hard
to consider forgiving someone, then recall some situation where you may have
hurt or harmed someone.
·
Do a guided visualization
where you are asking for this person’s forgiveness. Feel what it feels like
when this person grants your wish.
·
Then practice
extending this same generosity and compassion towards a person needing your
forgiveness.
Forgiveness benefits both
parties. The advantages to forgiving are: we
feel lighter and freer, we are granted the opportunity to practice compassion
and generosity, we are reminded of our own human frailty and our connectedness
to all beings, and we enjoy healthier, happier relationships.
The
ability to truly forgive someone else begins with our ability to forgive
ourselves. If you’d like guidance on how
to do this then visit this link: Neuroscientist, Dr Rick Hanson’s 10 Steps to
Forgiving Yourself provides a compassionate and clear path to accepting our
humanness and working on self forgiveness.
