Forgiving: a way to healing

As I write this and look out the window, the storm clouds are swooping in and the darkening sky is threatening heavy rains.  Newly sprung leaves and buds on the tree outside my window are shrinking as the temperature drops.  It certainly doesn’t look or feel like Spring. But Easter is around the corner.  And we most commonly think of Easter as a time of rebirth, reawakening and renewal.  What other meanings does this time of year connote? 

Recently I was on a phone call.  And the person on the other end asked me why someone we both knew was always angry with her.  Their relationship has always been strained, and labors under much unspoken feelings of betrayal, misjudgments, assumptions and habitual reactions.  Both parties suffer confusion, anger, and deep hurt.  This person said she was willing to apologize for whatever wrong she might have done, so that they could heal the rift. Knowing this was a situation they needed to resolve between themselves, I suggested that she directly ask the person.  I reminded her, the only thing within her power was to request forgiveness. If the other person was unable to hear, accept or grant it, then she would have to forgive herself, and if able, to wish the best for the other person. This conversation reminded me of another meaning of Easter and Spring – forgiving and forgiveness.

I pondered why someone would willingly choose to hold onto anger when anger weighs so heavily and forgiveness sits so lightly on the soul.  For most of us, reactions rule our way of being.  In some cases (not all obviously) we aren’t fully aware of the harm we cause others and ourselves with our actions and words.  A downside to our adaptability and resilience is that we can grow accustomed to even those things that are uncomfortable and unpleasant.  So, if the other person spurns the request for forgiveness, it may be because being angry has now become a habit.

One way of moving closer to learning to forgive ourselves and others is by becoming intimately aware of how much conditioning rather than thoughtful responses govern our thoughts, actions and feelings.  This knowledge combined with the acceptance of our own fallibility, moves us further on the path to practicing more forgiveness in our life.

A process for forgiving yourself and others

·                            Start slow and small.  In other words, if you are seeking or giving forgiveness, practice how to do this on the little issues and disagreements in life.  Avoid the hot button or traumatic episodes in the beginning.

·                            If it is hard to consider forgiving someone, then recall some situation where you may have hurt or harmed someone.

·                            Do a guided visualization where you are asking for this person’s forgiveness. Feel what it feels like when this person grants your wish.

·                            Then practice extending this same generosity and compassion towards a person needing your forgiveness.

      Forgiveness benefits both parties.  The advantages to forgiving are: we feel lighter and freer, we are granted the opportunity to practice compassion and generosity, we are reminded of our own human frailty and our connectedness to all beings, and we enjoy healthier, happier relationships.  

The ability to truly forgive someone else begins with our ability to forgive ourselves.  If you’d like guidance on how to do this then visit this link: Neuroscientist, Dr Rick Hanson’s 10 Steps to Forgiving Yourself provides a compassionate and clear path to accepting our humanness and working on self forgiveness. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rick-hanson-phd/forgive-yourself_b_906769.html