My nephew
asked me how do traffic lights know when to change color? I replied “they’re on sensors and timers. If the road is a busy one leading to a
freeway, then it is usually given priority for traffic to flow especially
during busy hours. Quieter roads with
fewer cars have to wait a little longer for a light change because they won’t
cause traffic jams.” This answer seemed to satisfy him or maybe it just confused
him into silence.
His
question, though, also seemed pertinent to life.
Do we know when to change? Do we have some internal sensor alerting us
that a habit or behavior is causing us to be stuck?
Recently
I was a passenger in a car. The driver
was in a frantic mood because a truck driver had stopped a little too close
behind her on two occasions. She mumbled
a curse and rapidly leaned back and forward to scout out his position in
her rear view mirrors. When she thought I wasn’t upset at him too, she exclaimed, “he’s really scaring me the way he’s
driving.” The tone of her justification strongly
rebuked me. In that moment, it became apparent when fear takes hold it
leaves little room for any other emotion.
It makes everyone and everything in its scope an aggressor or a
danger. The fact is I shared her concern
for our safety. And I also knew
there was nothing much we could do about controlling the other driver’s bad
driving.
So
what are the options? As she was clearly
incapable of changing the other driver’s driving habits, the only thing within
her power was to change how she responded.
Reactivity is always mindless. Whenever we react, we
mistakenly believe the other person is causing us to feel pain or fear, but we are replaying old patterns from similar past experiences where such feelings were awoken in us. So then by reacting, we are not present to what's happening in the moment but are actually in rote operation. This increases our distress. It is also how habits become entrenched.
Ironically,
when we react, we are trying to gain control, but in fact we are relinquishing
control. Reactivity is the loss of
control because we are being triggered by subconscious impulses, thoughts, and emotions. The difference with responding is we are exercising control because we
are choosing how we would like to be, think and feel in a given moment.
If
reactivity is robotic, then awareness is sensory. Awareness provides the space to see, decide, then
act. We do this first by slowing
down: breathing deeply. Second, we notice what is happening in and around us without judgment of self or the situation: being mindful. Then we decide is it within my power to change or not, choosing to act or not: that's responding.
May you respond to life today.
