The practice of mindfulness emphasizes responding
rather than reacting. It suggests first recognizing
what you do unconsciously i.e. notice your habitual reactions, and then choose how
or whether to respond. These words –
react and respond – may be ones we’ve heard and even have some vague
understanding of, but do we understand what they mean viscerally?
When something is a habit, it can become so
ingrained it becomes unconscious. So
this distinction between responding and reacting may not be understood so well.
For many of us, when something upsets or irritates us, we fail to recognize the
initial symptoms that our body is communicating, which can alert us that we are
about to react. When I was young, it seemed
like my mother was constantly telling me to breathe and count to ten to prevent
me from exploding in rage. It was good
advice. The thing is I only knew I was
angry when I was already screaming and kicking things. I wasn’t able to identify the tell-tale signs
of growing anger in my body. Mindfulness
helped me identify what my particular symptoms are when I’m about to
react. This month’s article will help us
learn how to distinguish between reacting and responding with examples to
illustrate.
Our emotions particularly difficult ones like anger,
sadness, and anxiety cause us much distress because we think they are bad and
therefore assume they make us bad. We
automatically try to get rid of our ‘bad’ feelings and emotions. The fact is
they are a natural part of who we are.
More importantly, they have the ability to teach us about ourselves, so
they aren’t a problem in and of themselves.
They only become “problematic’ in how we express them.
How we deal with difficult, painful or traumatic
emotions and feelings is the difference between reacting and responding. Obviously sometimes reacting is absolutely
vital. If a dog is charging towards you
or a car hurtling towards a child, reacting is important and necessary because safety
and survival depends on it; there’s no time to ponder what action needs doing. However,
chances are we don’t have to call on this instinctive response too often in our
everyday lives. Using this default behavior
all the time and in all situations is when we run into trouble.
Typically reactions happen:
a. very
fast,
b. are
instinctive and immediate,
c. without
thought of the consequences,
d. and
you feel constricted and tight in your thoughts and feelings,
For example:
your husband or sister asks you: “are you going out in that dress?” You retaliate with a snappy comeback. This is a reaction. Your mind perceived an insult or attack in
their question. Without pausing to ask
“I wonder why they are asking that question?” you immediately assume you are
being judged. The fact is he or she
could be questioning your choice because the dress has a stain or is torn. Even if there’s past experience where they
might have judged you (which will influence your current outlook), you just
don’t know if in this particular instance they may be asking it for a different
reason.
So when we react, we quite often aren’t living in
the present moment, instead we are living through our past experiences and
ideas of the situations and people.
Ultimately, it is our idea of what we think they are saying that causes
the reaction. Whenever the gap, pause or
space between a stimulus and response is non-existent, that’s a reaction.
Another example of a reaction: My sister and I used to go through this maddening
scenario. I used to be upset that I always
had to go to her house for dinners, or to hang out, and that she rarely came to
my place. My perception of this
situation was it was unfair. So whenever
I asked her to come over and she gave her reason for declining, I was unable to
hear it. Worse still, I used to distrust her reason. In my mind, it was just an excuse. In a vexed tone, I would reply “Oh, okay then,”
but this statement used to be delivered with the finality of a death blow. On a
bad day, I would immediately challenge her to explain herself, or even outright
accuse her of lying. We inevitably ended up arguing.
With reactions, there are several emotional and
mental factors that influence us:
a. the ideas we hold about the person, our attitude, or the situation
b. our
desire for what we’d like to have happen in the situation
c. our
aversion to things we don’t want to happen in the situation
It boils down to our beliefs, and our likes and
dislikes; they all influence what we’ll do and say in situations. With
reacting, we rarely see the person or situation for who or what it is, rather
we see them through our ideas of them. If we routinely attack, lash out or snap at
people, then with each repetition, we will strengthen that habit. But we can train ourselves to stop our
habitual reactivity. And we do this by
mindfully responding.
Learning to Respond:
Responding is the exact opposite of reacting. It requires some self-reflection in advance
or soon after an episode where you might have reacted. This is necessary groundwork to help alert
you to what you do and say when triggered.
To respond in a difficult situation, you:
1. see clearly what’s happening as it is happening
(approach each situation with an open mind and as if it’s happening for the
first time),
2. know
your attitudes towards or beliefs about the person or situation,
3.
recognize the symptoms of frustration, anger or
sadness in your mind and body,
4.
are aware of the consequences of reacting
(usually based on past experience),
5. give
yourself time to breathe and think (feels expansive and wide open)
6. choose/decide
your next move or words
7.
set the intention to defuse the situation,
lessen the anguish of another or yourself, or simply avoid adding to the
present misery
8. develop
some humor or lightness about the situation
In the example with my sister: prior to asking her over again, I would first
reflect on why and what I consider unfair.
This will show me whether I’m being too rigid or need flexibility and so
on. I could train in not taking it so seriously. These will help prepare me to hear her
answer whatever it may be. When we know the tendencies that
limit or expand us, a space is born within which we can respond.
The process of responding doesn’t mean we negate or repress our feelings of sadness, disappointment or irritation even. It asks that we acknowledge our feelings, but
still hold back long enough to choose our action, words, and desired outcome. So
to respond requires that I know:
·
where and what will trigger me into reacting
·
what the bodily feelings, thoughts, emotional manifestations
are when I’m triggered
·
not to get swept away in the strong emotion and
sensations
· to stop and consider my next move.
Another example of responding: say you are walking in a crowd and someone
bumps into you from behind. Instead of spinning around and pushing them back,
you stop. Feel the pain of the contact,
and think: “I wonder if this person stumbled or is feeling ill”. This gives the other person the chance to
apologize or explain. Simply by waiting
or considering another possibility, you create room to allow both people to
walk away from the situation calmly, and maybe even happily.
I know that to respond isn’t always easy and can
be quite demanding. But just like any
other habit – good or bad – it requires practice. If you try it once and experience improved
relationships or other positive results, it will motivate you to continue. We have
one lifetime in which to build healthy relationships with the people in our
lives. Life is fleeting. And death is the harsh reminder of how well
we invested our time, energy and attention.
So we should invest these valuable commodities wisely to get good
returns.
Try not to hold yourself to unreasonable
expectations; know that you will forget and react –reacting is a habit, after
all. When this happens, be kind and
interested in what just happened. Consider the ‘slip’ a lesson – learn what
happened in your mind and body and what you thought was occurring. This will prepare you for your next encounter
of this kind. With time and practice responding
will become your operating mode – a new healthier habit.
May you meet the next moment with friendly
interest.
