Weeds of Wisdom

     I would like to tell you a story about a plant that could teach us about life…

   

 The oxalis (wood sorrel) blossom is a paper-thin delicate flower on a skinny stalk.  Its lemony scalloped-edged petals with deep orange stamens contrasts strikingly with the bright green stem it sits atop.  This flower evokes feelings of spring and joy.  As it flutters in the breeze, its subtle fragrance invites you to come closer to sniff – a hint of jasmine. When we were children we called it magical clover, and were fascinated when we sucked on the straw like stem that we were rewarded with a sweet sour nectar.

      However, many people consider it a weed.  In my neighborhood, you can’t walk anywhere without seeing it growing wild in people’s lawns and flower beds. In spite of the pejorative label, oxalis has utility and beauty.  A couple of weekends ago, we needed to mow the wilderness of our back lawn, which had taken off after the rain and warm weather. I decided to pick the flowers for a table arrangement.  From experience, I knew some wild flowers don’t do well as cut flowers, so I wondered how long they’d last.

     It was mid-afternoon when I gathered the stems, and as I placed them in vases of cold water, I noticed the water began to get cloudy.  During dinner, I saw the water was opaque.  By sunset, most of the flowers had curled up, as if to let us know it was bedtime.  They looked like tiny golden flutes. When I sniffed them, there was no smell.  

     The next morning, their fragile heads were still drooping when I opened the blinds.  Later as the flowers began opening up, the water seemed clearer.  And this is what piqued my curiosity:  was the plant releasing sugar or sap when it was going to sleep, and then reabsorbing it when it needed energy?  It occurred to me that this little flower was responding to and following the sun, even when it was cut and in a vase.  It hadn’t forgotten its need. 

     Here was a stark reminder to me:  to be present, to notice what is needed and to respond to that need. Can we heed such a lesson from a weed?

     Often when we’ve deemed something to be unhelpful, a bother or irritating, we forget that it is valuable and could teach us. Most people think of wood sorrel as useless.  In fact, this plant is edible and has health benefits.  It is a thirst quencher, diuretic, cooling to the system, and soothing to the stomach.  It can be used in salads, soups, and when sautéed with onions, chilies and garlic, makes a delicious tangy accompaniment (recipe below) to fried fish.  Its flowers make simple stunning bouquets that incidentally lasted almost a week in the vase.

     Our lives are so busy, we rarely have time to pay attention to what’s happening in the moment.  In the process, we overlook our needs that are also subject to changing seasons, weather and circumstances.  But we can use everyday things – flowers, children, birds, animals, trees – as reminders that we also need nurturing.  This way, we won’t have to expend so much energy using our willpower to remember what we love and need to nurture ourselves.  We can make paying attention a habit that puts us in touch with ourselves.

     So the next time you look at a weed in your garden, stop before you yank it out.  And really look at it.  Consider what this ‘insignificant’ plant may be able to teach you about responding to life. And then consider your response: to heed its lesson or dump it into the yard waste bin. 

     May you be awakened by the overlooked and ordinary.  

Wood Sorrel (Sour) Chutney Recipe

4 tablespoons oil

1 medium onion chopped

½ tsp of mixed seeds (mustard, fenugreek, cumin)

1 green chili chopped (depending on how spicy you like it)

2 cloves garlic chopped

Little salt

Big bunch of oxcalis greens (washed; large stems and flowers removed)

Heat oil in an enamel pot (not a metal pot).  Add seeds until they splutter.  Add onion and saute until brown.  Add green chilis and garlic till fragrant.  Then add greens, salt and cook on low until soft.  Greens will discolor.  Cook on low for about an hour until all the water evaporates and the oil begins to surface.  Use an immersion blender to lightly puree the mixture.  Good accompaniment with seafood dishes because of its lemony taste.  

Interpreting our Way to Greater Happiness

     Some situations in life aren’t taught to us, and yet when faced with them, we assume we should somehow know how to deal with them.  How do you handle such occurrences in your life?  How many “shoulds”, “musts”, “have tos” do you impose on yourself?  And how does the interpretation of “should have done”, or “would have to,” influence how you feel about yourself and the situation you are facing?  

  The interpretation we ascribe to a situation directly contributes to how much or little stress we will feel.  We can ask ourselves: “are my interpretations of occurrences in my life beneficial or harmful to me?  Do they ease or burden my life? 

  When we approach every situation with the attitude that we should know how to deal with them, then we are setting ourselves up for high stress.  All of us had to, at some point, learn to walk, drive, interview for a job, cross the street, answer a research question – we weren’t born knowing these skills.  And right up to this very moment, some of you may be learning new information from reading this article.  So the acquisition of knowledge is an ongoing skills-building activity that is a lifelong process.  Indeed our 'success' in life depends on our adaptability and open responsiveness to unfolding life situations.  So consider this:  do we understand the crucial difference between taking offense versus being harmed? 

  Sometimes realization can come in the simplest way.  I'm remembering an incident from many years ago that brought home the difference between being offended and harmed, and simultaneously awakened my inner critic : “how could I have not known this before?”  One day I was complaining to a friend about my awful job situation and she replied, “you take things too personally.”  I instantly defended my position.  Later on, however, I pondered her odd remark.   

     Even though I had reacted by righteously defending my interpretation of the situation at my job, I will always be grateful to her for that comment.  Its incisiveness cut through to my blind spot – it showed me that in life there’s always another possible interpretation or response.  I might have intellectually known this, but I hadn’t really understood it.

     Typically our interpretations are reactions born out of our beliefs, attitudes, and conditioning.  A reaction naturally precludes other perspectives.  Its swiftness swallows up the gap of space to breathe, be present, and reflect on what’s occurring.  In short, reactivity shuts down possibilities. 

      So let’s return to the difference between being offended and being harmed.  According to Lou Marinoff in his book, “Plato, Not Prozac,” the difference is essentially one of interpretation.  He explains it this way.  If someone slaps you in the face, then this is being harmed.  There’s only one interpretation possible.  If, however, someone said you were lazy and useless, here there is more than one possible interpretation.  You will have to do some self-reflection and then determine how true the remark is or isn’t.  In this instance, you CHOOSE whether to be offended or to simply shrug off the remark.  The latter is largely dependent on your interpretation of the accuracy of the remark, whereas the former is determined by the physical pain you experience, which isn’t subject to interpretation.  You may have already know this, I didn’t and was very glad for the reminder. 

     The disadvantages of applying the “should know” interpretation is that we –

·         fail to see and appreciate what’s actually happening in the moment,

·         expect perfection from ourselves,

·         become combative with and judgmental of ourselves,

·         don’t learn from the situation or about our coping ability,

·         don’t allow all possibilities to come to bear in the situation.

My friend’s timely comment helped me see an option existed to respond i.e. to interpret the situation so as to benefit me and possibly the other person too.  This is helpful in building healthy relationships, as we don’t live in isolation.  Our lives are constantly intersecting with people who hold vastly differing ideas and attitudes, and in order to peacefully coexist and successfully interact with them, we need skills that can benefit us to this end.

 Mindfulness helps us to notice our own reactivity whether it is taking offense, verbally and physically retaliating, insulting ourselves and so on.  In the practice of mindful awareness, we use ourselves as the training ground for growing our responsiveness.  We allow and accept whatever arises in our mind and emotions. With time, inch by inch we grow to accept ourselves, as we are.  When we accept ourselves, we become more able to clearly see and flow with whatever life brings us – pain or joy.  And the more clearly we see, the clearer our interpretations of life will be.

May you interpret your way to happiness. 

Simple Steps to Practising Gratitude

       It’s another new year.  But just like any other day or year, it arrives in a moment.  We can use this moment to approach the year with a grateful eye for all that we’ve been given.

       I visited an office, and a woman there who knew that my mother had passed away last year immediately reassured me that this year was going to be a better one.  We hugged and I was touched by this warm big-hearted person who was trying to make me feel better.  The fact is though no one knows whether this year is going to be better than last year.  What we do know is -- what we can do to make it better!

Drinking it in

       And one way to enjoy the moment and the year is by growing our gratitude.  If we paid close attention, we’d realize that many things in our lives work out, fall into place, manifest, are realized, are enjoyed, function, turn on, and go smoothly.  In other words, more often than not things do go right for us.  What blinds us to this fact, is our wish that it should always and every single time go our way.  Our tendency (negativity bias) is to focus on where we’ve failed or how people and things have disappointed us. But only looking through the distorted lens of failure or disappointment blinds us to how well things normally unfold.

       In the spirit of New Year's resolutions, consider experimenting with being grateful for the things that work out and for the setbacks in your life.  If we were to consider just how much goes into each moment to help us function we’d be astounded.  For instance:  right now I’m writing this article to share with you. I’m able to do this with the help of a computer to capture my thoughts; the chair that helps me sit upright to type; the home, provided by my husband’s job, in which I can write; the food I ate to nourish my body and mind; the sun lighting up this room; my cousin’s suggestion to write about gratitude and happiness; and the list goes on.  In any given moment, there’s so much working to support us, and to help us be, experience, and participate.  The desire to always have it be the same i.e. everything always being as we wish it, causes us to overlook the contribution and bounty right before our eyes. 

Steps to Practicing Gratitude

       The path to growing our gratitude is through expanding our perspective and awareness.  We do this by paying attention. Noticing what’s happening in and around us and taking it all in with the eyes of wonder.  To actively engage our curiosity we can ask ourselves these questions: “what are all the things that are supporting me in this moment?” or “what am I receiving right now?”

Appreciation

       Try not to overlook the ordinary things. To illustrate: even a mundane activity like making a cup of coffee requires the contribution of many energies and beings – the coffee bean and grower, the soil the plant grew in, the water and sun, the microbes in the ground, the store owner, the water company, the plumber who laid the pipes in your home, the electricity to warm the water and so on.  Through this kind of observation, we begin to learn about interdependence and from it gratitude will begin to flow.

       We can also practise gratitude by paying attention to our feelings.  The feelings we experience when we are chilled and wrap a warm blanket around ourselves, or when a friend hugs us in a difficult time, or the feel of cool grass under our feet on a hot day. These experiences remind us of our ability to enjoy and receive.  We’ll also begin to notice that, for many of us, we tend to receive more than we give.  This gentle nudge can move us to show more gratitude to the people around us.

       And as hard as this may be to swallow, we can even learn to develop gratitude towards unpleasant experiences, emotions and people.   Less than desirable situations and emotions by their nature shake us out of our complacency.  They throws us onto unfamiliar ground, which despite making us fractious and unhappy can also serve us. If we practice only being grateful for the things going right in our lives, we’ll automatically disregard the value inherent in the encounters that challenge us.  So be grateful to your friend who insists on ripping the wool off your eyes, or the stab of fear you feel every time you think of a undertaking a new experience, or when your colleague insists on something that you disagree with.

        These experiences are like a splash of cold water – they can wake us up.   They force us out of our default operating mode, and try to broaden our perspective away from “me and my desires” to a more expansive picture of the world and its beings. In this light, we begin to recognize our interconnectedness with the world around us, see our and others' contribution to our life experiences, and feel empowered to contribute more to our and others enjoyment and happiness in life.

      

  May you experience many surprise moments of gratitude this year.   

Happy New Year!

May you have a wonderful New Year filled with

 love, health, friendship and laughter. 

Thank you for your support and for reading, 

sharing and commenting on the articles.

Dealing Well with Our Expectations

       What are you expecting to receive this holiday season?  Did you create a wish list, hint throughout the year or leave it up in the air?  The element of surprise is delightful for some, but for others there’s both the fear of disappointment and fear of not being able to handle that disappointment well.  I’ve been thinking about expectations. 

     

      Not all expectations are troublesome or misguided.  Some help us move towards our potential and keep us motivated.  There are different kinds of presumptions: the desires and demands of people like bosses, friends, spouses, or parents, and the expectations we have of ourselves.  These can all be hard to bear when they are unbalanced and unhealthy.  In this article, we’ll discuss the expectations we have of others.  We all form them quite unconsciously most of the time, but what are they exactly?

WHAT ARE EXPECTATIONS?

       In life many things happen where we don’t react with anger or disappointment because we think of them as a natural part of what’s occurring – people crying at a funeral, birds chirping in the morning, people laughing in a comedy show.  But what if people were laughing at a funeral and crying at the comedy show? Our expectations are tied to an idea of what we think should be happening, which if thwarted leads to our being upset or disappointed.    

       It seems then that expectations are tightly bound up with ourselves.  They manifest as “I wish, I want, I like, my dream, my idea”, so our feelings and emotions are closely tied up in the situation or with the person. Such assumptions are controlling, and have an element of ‘should’ to them:  I should get a Christmas gift from my husband, my friend should invite me to her party, my son should clean up his room, and everyone should follow the rules.  These are all everyday life occurrences with the added layer of our desire of how they ought to be.  

      Our expectations are the desires we hold for something or someone to be a certain way – for lovers to say and do romantic things, for bosses to praise and acknowledge effort and sacrifice, for children to be polite and obedient, for parents to be open and accommodating.  The difficulty with them is that they are projections of hope or imagination onto an essential experience that effectively blind us to what’s actually there.  Or we see what’s there and we reject it in the hopes of changing it to what we’d like the situation or person to be.  For example – your spouse plans a weekend getaway.  You have an idea of where and what you think is the ideal getaway spot, but he takes you duck hunting.  When you learn what it is, your mind rebels and rails against it because your idea of the getaway is superimposed on the reality of the situation.  So it distorts your ability to see and enjoy what’s actually occurring because you are comparing it to what it could have been like.  Essentially then expectations cause us to think that what’s happening should be different from what’s happening!

      These imaginings and presumptions take our awareness away from the present moment and put it into the future or past.  When we think that it will or used to be better, we fail to see and appreciate what is.  At the heart of this thinking is the belief - what’s happening in the moment is wrong in some way. Our disappointment or suffering is born right then.

MANAGING OUR EXPECTATIONS:

The good news is expectations like all thoughts also change.  As do our disappointments and feelings.  Just as we and our attitudes, ideas, and beliefs change over time, our expectations will too.  We usually react when we are disappointed, but it is from the ‘ugliness’ of our reactions that we can gain wisdom. So we can manage our expectations by:

1.      noticing and thinking about our reactions from past experience when our expectations ran too high or low,

2.      paying attention to the thoughts we had about the situation for e.g. how we insulted the other person mentally or verbally, or how we planned a whole list of complaints against the person, or even how we beat ourselves up for not being more open or tolerant when our expectations went unmet,

3.      understanding even in the depths of our disappointment that these feelings will pass.  Our suffering increases when we believe that pain or joy for that matter, is solid and unchanging,

4.      changing our perspective and by developing interest and curiosity about the person or situation.  This helps detach the emotion from the experience, helps us be less fixated on having things turn out how we want, and aids in how we approach future experiences,

5.      recognizing what’s within our control and what’s not. Clearly for our own sanity we give up what’s out of our control – other peoples’ attitudes, beliefs and reactions – and concentrate on what’s within our control,

6.      remaining present in the moment as the experience is unfolding.  This grounds us and keeps us from projecting out in the future or past,

7.      reflecting on what we’d like to gain from our interactions and experiences starting from the present moment.

None of this is easy.  But if we’d like to relieve our suffering and be less distressed then it certainly requires such a worthy effort.  We’ll discover that every moment holds within it the conditions for happiness and gratitude.

May you have a joyful holiday season and a happy, healthy New Year. 

Reacting and Responding

      The practice of mindfulness emphasizes responding rather than reacting.  It suggests first recognizing what you do unconsciously i.e. notice your habitual reactions, and then choose how or whether to respond.  These words – react and respond – may be ones we’ve heard and even have some vague understanding of, but do we understand what they mean viscerally? 

      When something is a habit, it can become so ingrained it becomes unconscious.  So this distinction between responding and reacting may not be understood so well. For many of us, when something upsets or irritates us, we fail to recognize the initial symptoms that our body is communicating, which can alert us that we are about to react.  When I was young, it seemed like my mother was constantly telling me to breathe and count to ten to prevent me from exploding in rage.  It was good advice.  The thing is I only knew I was angry when I was already screaming and kicking things.  I wasn’t able to identify the tell-tale signs of growing anger in my body.  Mindfulness helped me identify what my particular symptoms are when I’m about to react.  This month’s article will help us learn how to distinguish between reacting and responding with examples to illustrate. 

      Our emotions particularly difficult ones like anger, sadness, and anxiety cause us much distress because we think they are bad and therefore assume they make us bad.  We automatically try to get rid of our ‘bad’ feelings and emotions. The fact is they are a natural part of who we are.  More importantly, they have the ability to teach us about ourselves, so they aren’t a problem in and of themselves.  They only become “problematic’ in how we express them.

      How we deal with difficult, painful or traumatic emotions and feelings is the difference between reacting and responding.  Obviously sometimes reacting is absolutely vital.  If a dog is charging towards you or a car hurtling towards a child, reacting is important and necessary because safety and survival depends on it; there’s no time to ponder what action needs doing. However, chances are we don’t have to call on this instinctive response too often in our everyday lives.  Using this default behavior all the time and in all situations is when we run into trouble.

      Typically reactions happen:

a.       very fast,

b.      are instinctive and immediate,

c.       without thought of the consequences,

d.      and you feel constricted and tight in your thoughts and feelings,

      For example:  your husband or sister asks you: “are you going out in that dress?”  You retaliate with a snappy comeback.  This is a reaction.  Your mind perceived an insult or attack in their question.  Without pausing to ask “I wonder why they are asking that question?” you immediately assume you are being judged.  The fact is he or she could be questioning your choice because the dress has a stain or is torn.  Even if there’s past experience where they might have judged you (which will influence your current outlook), you just don’t know if in this particular instance they may be asking it for a different reason. 

      So when we react, we quite often aren’t living in the present moment, instead we are living through our past experiences and ideas of the situations and people.  Ultimately, it is our idea of what we think they are saying that causes the reaction.  Whenever the gap, pause or space between a stimulus and response is non-existent, that’s a reaction. 

      Another example of a reaction:  My sister and I used to go through this maddening scenario.  I used to be upset that I always had to go to her house for dinners, or to hang out, and that she rarely came to my place.  My perception of this situation was it was unfair.  So whenever I asked her to come over and she gave her reason for declining, I was unable to hear it. Worse still, I used to distrust her reason.  In my mind, it was just an excuse.  In a vexed tone, I would reply “Oh, okay then,” but this statement used to be delivered with the finality of a death blow. On a bad day, I would immediately challenge her to explain herself, or even outright accuse her of lying. We inevitably ended up arguing.

      With reactions, there are several emotional and mental factors that influence us:

a.        the ideas we hold about the person, our attitude, or the situation

b.      our desire for what we’d like to have happen in the situation

c.       our aversion to things we don’t want to happen in the situation

      It boils down to our beliefs, and our likes and dislikes; they all influence what we’ll do and say in situations. With reacting, we rarely see the person or situation for who or what it is, rather we see them through our ideas of them.  If we routinely attack, lash out or snap at people, then with each repetition, we will strengthen that habit.  But we can train ourselves to stop our habitual reactivity.  And we do this by mindfully responding. 

Learning to Respond:

      Responding is the exact opposite of reacting.  It requires some self-reflection in advance or soon after an episode where you might have reacted.  This is necessary groundwork to help alert you to what you do and say when triggered.  To respond in a difficult situation, you:

                  1.    see clearly what’s happening as it is happening (approach each situation with an open                           mind and as if it’s happening for the first time),

2.      know your attitudes towards or beliefs about the person or situation,

3.      recognize the symptoms of frustration, anger or sadness in your mind and body,

4.      are aware of the consequences of reacting (usually based on past experience),

5.      give yourself time to breathe and think (feels expansive and wide open)

6.      choose/decide your next move or words

7.      set the intention to defuse the situation, lessen the anguish of another or yourself, or            simply avoid adding to the present misery

8.      develop some humor or lightness about the situation

      In the example with my sister:  prior to asking her over again, I would first reflect on why and what I consider unfair.  This will show me whether I’m being too rigid or need flexibility and so on.  I could train in not taking it so seriously.  These will help prepare me to hear her answer whatever it may be.  When we know the tendencies that limit or expand us, a space is born within which we can respond.

      The process of responding doesn’t mean we negate or repress our feelings of sadness, disappointment or irritation even.  It asks that we acknowledge our feelings, but still hold back long enough to choose our action, words, and desired outcome. So to respond requires that I know:

·         where and what will trigger me into reacting

·         what the bodily feelings, thoughts, emotional manifestations are when I’m triggered

·         not to get swept away in the strong emotion and sensations

·        to stop and consider my next move.

      Another example of responding:  say you are walking in a crowd and someone bumps into you from behind. Instead of spinning around and pushing them back, you stop.  Feel the pain of the contact, and think: “I wonder if this person stumbled or is feeling ill”.  This gives the other person the chance to apologize or explain.  Simply by waiting or considering another possibility, you create room to allow both people to walk away from the situation calmly, and maybe even happily. 

      I know that to respond isn’t always easy and can be quite demanding.  But just like any other habit – good or bad – it requires practice.  If you try it once and experience improved relationships or other positive results, it will motivate you to continue. We have one lifetime in which to build healthy relationships with the people in our lives.  Life is fleeting.  And death is the harsh reminder of how well we invested our time, energy and attention.  So we should invest these valuable commodities wisely to get good returns. 

      Try not to hold yourself to unreasonable expectations; know that you will forget and react –reacting is a habit, after all.  When this happens, be kind and interested in what just happened. Consider the ‘slip’ a lesson – learn what happened in your mind and body and what you thought was occurring.  This will prepare you for your next encounter of this kind.  With time and practice responding will become your operating mode – a new healthier habit.

     May you meet the next moment with friendly interest.

At a Loss

   

      These past two months I’ve been really struggling to come up with an article topic.  This could be because I’m too focused on writing about just one subject – death. 

      More specifically, the death of my mother just this past August.  The difficulty is I’m not ready to write about it, nor am I even sure if I have anything to share about her dying, nor any realization about it.  The rawness of her passing is still too visceral for me, so any understanding about it eludes me at present.

      What I am noticing is that because I’m feeling compelled to write about this life-altering occurrence, I’m unable to synthesize any other happening that’s taking place.  Since her death, I feel as if I’m wading under water or as if I’m in a fog.  My reflexes and responses are sluggish.  Consequently, much is slipping past my notice and the subsequent musings that would have yielded a worthy reading is also faded away.

     Normally, I can always fall back on reading some article or book, which would inevitably provoke a response in me.  But these days, even these have failed to elicit an insightful, helpful write-up to share with you, my reader.

     So this month, instead of the usual, you’ll get just this naked admission -- I feel utterly incapable of sharing some experience and insight with you. 

     All things being equal, perhaps this heartfelt admission is the helpful advice for this month. 

May you embrace all parts of yourself. 

Surfing Life's Ups and Downs

In a world of constant change, everything is subject to impermanence.  Trying to concretize what is essentially changeable is both impossible and unwise. No one can be praised all the time and every time.  When praise is present, there exists the possibility for blame.

     Outside my kitchen window is a camphor tree.  It is a statuesque sculpture of a tree with sinuous splayed branches bearing bunches of leaves like baskets. Every day as I stand at the counter, washing dishes or cutting vegetable, I see people walking their dogs.  And every single dog is drawn to sniff, pee or poop at the base of it. What I am struck by is the tree’s ability to still remain beautiful.

       Even though this tree suffers humiliations and ‘insults’ every time a dog visits it, none of it is evident.  The tree doesn’t shrink in shame or change in any visible way.  It remains open to receiving who ever may visit it. 

       One evening we came home to find a young man standing in front of it with his head bowed, knees slightly bent, and arms spread open in a receiving gesture.  Concerned we asked him if he was okay.   He said he had to stop to accept the tree’s powerful calming energy. Half an hour later, he was still absorbing its strength.  This tree experiences indignity and worship and through it all, it remains unfazed.  

      How well do we adapt to the ups and downs in our life?  We are drawn to always seek praise, fame, and recognition and to avoid blame, correction or insult.  When someone fails to thank us or acknowledge our effort, or even notice us, we feel lessened.  Something in us caves in and leaves us feeling hollow.  To cover up this hole or ‘bad feeling’, we get upset with ourselves or the person.  However, we don’t have to look at the feelings we experience as bad.  We can use them as a reminder to become aware of what we do when we feel pain, shame, or sadness.  The same goes for when we are praised, admired or recognized.  

     With kind curiosity, you can begin by noticing the thoughts that immediately pop into your mind when you are not honoured.  Note how the mind creates a story to either defend yourself or denigrate the other person.  If the person praised you, see what story the mind makes up about that person’s wonderful qualities.  These are attempts by the ego to reject or grasp onto something that is destroying or building it up respectively.

     In a world of constant change, everything is subject to impermanence.  Trying to concretize what is essentially changeable is both impossible and unwise.  No one can be praised all the time and every time.  When praise is present, there exists the possibility for blame.  As much as we know this, our habit is to strive towards wanting to feel good all the time.  It isn’t easy learning that life can be painful.

     We can train in learning to deal with its unsettled nature though.  The basis for this practice is to begin to know your ideas and thoughts, and their influence on your reactions and interactions in situations.  To begin catching the stories we weave when we are upset or happy, the practice of mindfulness is very helpful.

    Mindfulness is paying attention to what’s happening in the moment without changing anything.  It is the skill to keep the mind on whatever you want to keep it on.  With this training, you’ll begin to see when your mind drifts away from the focus.  Then you note where it went and gently return to the thing you want to be paying attention to.  You do all of this with a sense of curiosity and interest as if it’s happening outside of yourself; you become an observer of your mind’s antics from moment to moment.

     The benefits of training in this way is that it helps you:

1.      see clearly what’s happening in the moment as it is happening,

2.      trains you to let go and come to back to what you are choosing to focus on,

3.      grow your attention and lessen your distractibility and reactivity, every time you come back.

It also lessens stress, improves relationships by making you more present and most importantly, it helps you begin to know and grow to accept all the perfect and imperfect parts of yourself completely. 

            May you awaken to life’s impermanence.

Building Better Relationships

 Everything in life is relative.  Even our painful relationship experiences

can provide the opportunity to know ourselves better.

Reflection

      Yesterday morning I awoke early to weed the garden.  In between the heirloom tomatoes and patty pan plants were countless weeds.  They were shallow growers, but spread their stems out in a radial pattern creeping under the hairy tomato branches, which I’m allergic to, and the spiny, poky squash plant.  The ground was somewhat dry (low water usage due to the drought), but I was able to yank them out quite easily.   By the time I was done though, I was scratched and itching and glad that it was over. 

     There are many things in life that challenge and frustrate us. Weeding the garden may not be especially irritating or painful, but relationships with colleagues, family and friends, now these do have a habit of taxing our patience and kindness.  Could these become opportunities for learning about ourselves?

     To know ourselves better, we first need to become aware of what we do.  For example, in order to judge others, we must be operating under the assumption that we are able to see them and their habits clearly.  Otherwise we’d just be arrogant fools thinking we are better than everyone else.  And most of us don’t always operate from this space of arrogance.  It is very much a part of our human nature to judge, criticize, assess, discern, deconstruct something we are trying to understand.  Can we use this to our advantage? 

     Often our tendencies aren’t universally wrong or bad.  That is: some things are perfectly okay in specific settings and spaces.  A shoe is in its rightful place on a shoe rack, but could be problematic on an altar.  A weed is ‘bad’ only because it’s stifling the growth of a plant that you choose to have live instead of the weed.  Likewise, the ability to criticize and critique when used against a person is less appreciated, but when used to analyze the pros and cons of a situation is extremely valuable.  Essentially then everything in life is relative. So then, can we exploit our human tendency for judging to give us a glimpse into our own nature, character and attitudes? 

    In psychology, there’s something called projection.  Whenever we criticize or find fault with others, we are projecting our own faults outward onto other people.  This is how and where we are able to see them clearly.  Our failings and weaknesses are hard for us to see because they are so intimately known to us, and very much part of our unconscious habits and reactivity. Much like the person we are criticizing is unable to see their own faults, we are our own blind spot.

A Mirror

    Our unconscious habits, attitudes, beliefs, attachments, desires, and expectations become the hobbling blocks that put us out of step in our relationships.  If having wonderfully fulfilling relationships are important to you, then it’s a worthwhile investment of your time and energy to discover who you are, and how you operate in stressful and challenging situations.  

    Of course, this doesn’t mean others don’t have faults, and you and I are the only ones who do.  It simply means instead of becoming embroiled in feeling bad about judging, we can use it as a chance to begin some interior work of our own.  We can use the feeling of shame, frustration, and despair we feel at being unhappy with someone else and our reaction to them, to examine what in us is causing such a reaction.  We can take a breath and turn the lens inward to see if that exact same fault exists in us.  In this way, we train in becoming smart about ourselves.

     We begin paying attention to what irritates us about our spouse, sibling, friend, and boss and then look for that same irritant in ourselves.  Who knows?  We may discover that sharing similar irritating or worrying traits is sufficient impetus to stall, if not completely eliminate, future tirades against others. 

     Awareness is a powerful tool for change.  Its mere presence is enough to help us work towards fruitful relationships where each person is allowed to be who they are, pursue what is important to them, and grow to know themselves better. 

    

     May we learn to see ourselves clearly.

A Different Angle

Changing our perspective is the simplest way to change reality and our world.  When we view our everyday life with fresh eyes, we empower ourselves to

look life straight in the eye. 

     Today was a strange day.  I talked to two people— both of whom were – shorter than me!  It was an interestingly bizarre experience.  Rarely, if ever, am I taller than those around me, with the exception of very young children.  Even adolescents are often taller than I am.  I stand at a little under 5’2’’.  So two times in one day was quite something.  The interesting thing was: having to tilt my head slightly down during the conversation gave me a glimpse, alas far too brief, into the perspective of tall people. Never before, or that I can remember, have I seen light reflecting off clavicle bones in just the way I did today.  It was fascinating. 

     Then last night I was sitting on the kitchen floor kneading dough, and I happened to glance at the bookcase full of recipe books.  Hanging from the back of the second shelf behind some books was a card of batteries.  I discovered three things in that instant: first, I found where the batteries had disappeared to; second, I realized the bookcase back must be bowed to have allowed the card to partially slide down; and third, it’s fascinating what a difference it made looking at the same things I look at every day from a new angle. 

     Our human nature is very comfortable with maintaining status quo.  Certainly this goes a long way to making life easier.  Doing so aids us in fulfilling routines, chores, and activities in a rote manner.  But wouldn’t you love the opportunity to get a new viewpoint on something quite commonplace in your life? I would! 

     I’ve always wanted to ‘see with the eyes of a child', but didn’t know how to do this.  I think when an infant observes the world it does so with wonder, curiosity and no judgment.  Could this be because of their angle of view?  Or maybe the child is allowing a wiser, bigger part of its being to approach life, whereas adults typically face encounters with fear, anxiety and the ego’s attempt to control or shape reality and the world. The child is not so fixated on controlling her world; she's interested in learning about it. For us this means being willing to see the mundane and the novel in our lives with fresh vision.

      From this new perspective then, I wondered how I would view a particularly sticky issue I’m experiencing.  I’m at a loss trying to understand and practise compassion with someone I know.  This person’s behavior and thinking are very distressing to me, and I struggle with not judging this person.  It’s a struggle I often don’t succeed at. 

      I suspect I may not always be seeing this person fully both the distressing and lovable parts.  When we can’t understand someone, we tend to only see their faults and failings and overlook their goodness and generosity. I think I am failing to see this person's point of view because I'm so focused on my objection to it. I still have to learn how to deal with my criticism to this person's way of being.  Now that I know what's blocking my ability to be kind, this awareness will begin to slow my reactions.  It may not always stop me from being unkind, but it will help me monitor my interactions and reactions from a different angle.   
     The fact is human beings are complex.  As frustrating and dissatisfying as this may be, life is rarely, if ever, just one way.  We’d much prefer things to be binary – black or white, yes or no, right or wrong, good or bad.  But gray is often the reality. 

     By allowing ourselves to see all sides of a person, we not only give them a chance to be who they are and live their lives, but we also help ourselves remain open to them.  In doing so, we spare both them and ourselves much heartache and grief.  The sad truth is when we judge others, we harm ourselves too.  An incident comes to mind.

      I’d put in a call to a colleague saying I needed her help urgently.  Three days went by and no call.  I called again; no luck.  During this time, I made a concerted effort to not get angry, feel rejected, or think awful thoughts about her.  Trust me, the urge was there.  I resisted by reminding myself I didn’t know her reason for not returning my call.  Whenever I felt the urge to lash out at her, I’d say “I don’t know if she’s in hospital.  If her child has died.  If she’s been diagnosed with something”, and this was sufficient to put a halt to my story line. I called again.  She sounded her normal self, and explained she’d been busy.  Listening to her, I was struck not so much by her casual indifference, but by how relieved I felt.  Because I hadn’t maligned her, I didn’t have anything to feel bad about.  Of course, being vigilant of our responses makes our interactions more demanding, but in the long run it benefits both parties.

          As challenging as it can be, when we are able to view our everyday life with fresh eyes, we empower ourselves to look life straight in the eye.  We see what’s right before us even if it makes us uncomfortable.  And by using our relationships and experiences as the training ground for developing a new way of seeing, we cultivate the skills to surf the waves of change and to grow wiser about ourselves.

     May you see with the eyes of child.