Pavlov's Rings and Pings

       About three weeks ago, I got my first ever smartphone!  One day while scrolling through the many available screens, I saw a couple of friends had left me voicemails.  Here’s the thing:  I had been checking texts, emails and WhatsApp, but hadn’t realized there was a separate voicemail feature from the phone feature.

      There had been all these pings, bells, and tinkling sounds, but I didn’t know what those sounds were signaling.  So I would hear them, and then simply return to whatever I had been doing before I got distracted by the sound.  When I mentioned to Stephen that I didn’t know people had left me voicemail messages, he teased me that the Pavlovian conditioning hadn’t yet kicked in for me.  I laughed with him.

       The things is I can’t say I was being truly mindful by not reacting to the sounds.  I heard them and knew they were summoning me, but I didn't know where to look.  After a while I just heard the sounds and ignored them because they made no sense to me.  I began thinking of them as arising phenomena, which I noticed and then dazedly ignored. 

       Now that I know what these sounds mean, how will I respond?  Or will I react?

       Will I give in to the conditioning that every time there’s a tinkle or bleep, I’ll drop whatever it is I’m doing, and move my attention to its summons?

       This is how habits are formed.  The association of one thing with another, and the automatic repetition of an action.  In this case, sound with the shifting of attention and the body towards the sound.  The actual hearing of the sound is a moment of mindfulness, as it is an arising phenomenon in the moment; i.e. something has altered or changed the environment around us and we notice this change.  The reacting would be to stop what you are doing because you are compelled by habit, curiosity, worry, or fear to immediately find out what is summoning you. 

        With mindful awareness, you can sit with the thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations that arise when you hear the sound, but don’t immediately get up to attend to it.  This trains you to notice the cascade of reactions that happens as a result of one stimulus occurring.  A sound happens, your ears hear it, there’s an associated thought and a bodily feeling, and then you act. Every time you do this, you strengthen the habit.

       When we pay attention to what’s happening in our internal and external environments, we grow knowledge about how we are influenced by our thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations, and by other people, situations or relationships.  This knowing grows our emotional intelligence.

       Emotional intelligence is knowing our inner and outer worlds and what affects us, and managing our behavior or actions accordingly.  After recognizing what’s happening in and for us, we will become attuned to recognizing similar feelings, thoughts, and impulses in others.  In this way, we begin with ourselves and then the practice of being attentive, responsive, and compassionate spreads to our relationships with coworkers, partners, children, and parents. This is how we improve both our inner and outer relationships.

       Getting back to the phone: obviously you need to do what you need to do.  But the next time your phone beckons you with a ring, song, chirp, or bell --  take a breath and observe what's happening in you.  At the very least, by breathing or waiting a moment you can lessen the habit of reacting.

      Life is a series of moments – moments of choice to respond or react.

      Which one will you choose when your phone next calls out to you?

If you are interested:  there are mindfulness apps for your phones; see the links tab on my website!!

 May you meet this moment consciously.

7 Steps To Freedom

        Do you know that person who says “better the devil you know than the one you don’t?” How about the person who is game for whatever comes up in the moment, and always seems to make the best of situations?  Ever wondered what the difference is between these two types of people?

       When I was in college, I arrived early each day because parking was a nightmare.  I used the time to catch up on research and writing.  Another habit was to arrive a half hour early for my writing class.  I’d flop down  outside the door, tense and anxious for the morning session to let out.  Usually I was the only ‘early’ arrival.  This was odd behavior.  Not only was I early but I was very anxious to be early.   I realized I was struggling  to maintain what I perceived to be a comfortable situation for me – to get the front row middle seat.  I was determined that no one should take what I was inwardly calling ‘my’ seat.  That seat was my comfort zone. 

       We all have comfort zones.  Our favorite seat on the sofa or train, our familiar local restaurant, our favorite food, our comforting weekend activity, our set of friends.  These ‘habits’ define and shape our lives.   According to Dr. Judith Sills in her book “The Comfort Trap”, comfort has a physical component where the body feels contrasting reliefs – hot/cold, loose/tight, rest/effort etc.  If we just felt cold all the time or hot all the time this would be unbearable for us, so we need cool when we are warm and vice versa.  The emotional component of comfort known as "fit" is much harder to explain; it partly arises out of routines.  Every time we create a routine or habit it’s so that we can feel emotionally comfortable in an activity, place, or with a person.  Fit is something that feels familiar and feels like us.  Based on our routines, we create countless little comfort zones throughout our lives.

      Even though routines help us get through the day with less effort, their adverse aspect is they can easily stop being satisfying or helpful. The agonizing appeal of staying in unhealthy marriages or jobs is that they are familiar to us.  Such routine comforts become limiting ruts.  Anxiety and fear keep us trapped in untenable circumstances because it takes courage and practice to leave the safety of our cocoons, and to make change.

       When our comfort zone is too narrow, our chances of feeling inconvenienced, ill at ease, or disappointed rise accordingly.  Conversely flexible people who are comfortable in any situation are able to go with the flow, handle the unexpected easily, and take more risks.  Their attitude allows them the opportunity to have more good and bad experiences in life.  And this helps them to better know both themselves and their coping ability in various situations.  Because they've grown their ability to face discomfort, they can see themselves clearly with all their imperfections. 

         In order to live a successful, meaningful, fulfilling life we have to be willing to leave our comfort zone.  Exposing ourselves to new experiences includes mindfully attending to our own minds and bodies, and this grows our emotional intelligence.  The willingness to clearly see and accept our thoughts, feelings, emotions, and impulses trains us to be with the discomfort of being a fallible and simultaneously beautiful human being.  Even though we’d love to avoid the space where we are uncertain, and in the unfamiliar, it is vital to move towards it if we want to grow.  

       The fact is there is no way around our fears, heartbreak, or sadness:  we have to look at them, be in them, and go through them.  And none of this is possible without courage.  Oddly it is in practicing kindness and compassion for whatever we encounter in ourselves that grows our courage and bravery. This acceptance of ourselves exactly as we are also helps us be kind to others when they fail or stumble.  When we know ourselves, our intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships improve.  

      The first step towards change is awareness. 

      It is important to know what change you want and why you want it.  This intrinsic motivation will give you the courage and strength to face uncertainty and persevere toward your goal.  As with all new things, you’ll encounter discomfort and anxiety. 

      To break out of your comfort trap, get you moving in a new direction, and towards greater satisfaction in life, here are Dr. Sills':

      7 Steps to Freedom (p. 22) - 

1.      Face what hurts: Look for what’s missing, frustrating, or stifling in your life or current comfort zone.  We distract ourselves from this pain by fantasizing or denying what’s happening.

2.      Create a vision: what do you hope to gain or where do you want to end up?

3.      Make a decision: when do you change or leave?  How do you arrive at this decision?  Is your current situation working?

4.      Identify your pattern:  Look to your past – have you made changes before? How did you do it in the past?  What can you do again this time?

5.      Let Go:  identify the emotions that are holding you hostage (guilt, obligation attachment) in your current situation.  Are there any losses you will suffer with this change?  Can you minimize the losses?

6.      Face your Fear:  Know what you are afraid of and what makes you anxious.  It is what stands between you and your goal and heart’s desire.  You must know what you are facing.

7.      Take Action: consider your next steps to get you moving. You will need to act so what will you do, say, choose to get moving?

As scary as change is for us, we are all capable of it.  We just have to be willing to be affirm our heart’s wish over our fears.

May you be free from fear to fully enjoy life.

REFERENCE:

Sills, J. PhD. “The Comfort Trap: or What if You’re Riding a Dead Horse.”  Viking Penguin Group.  New York, NY.  2004.  

Weeds of Wisdom

     I would like to tell you a story about a plant that could teach us about life…

   

 The oxalis (wood sorrel) blossom is a paper-thin delicate flower on a skinny stalk.  Its lemony scalloped-edged petals with deep orange stamens contrasts strikingly with the bright green stem it sits atop.  This flower evokes feelings of spring and joy.  As it flutters in the breeze, its subtle fragrance invites you to come closer to sniff – a hint of jasmine. When we were children we called it magical clover, and were fascinated when we sucked on the straw like stem that we were rewarded with a sweet sour nectar.

      However, many people consider it a weed.  In my neighborhood, you can’t walk anywhere without seeing it growing wild in people’s lawns and flower beds. In spite of the pejorative label, oxalis has utility and beauty.  A couple of weekends ago, we needed to mow the wilderness of our back lawn, which had taken off after the rain and warm weather. I decided to pick the flowers for a table arrangement.  From experience, I knew some wild flowers don’t do well as cut flowers, so I wondered how long they’d last.

     It was mid-afternoon when I gathered the stems, and as I placed them in vases of cold water, I noticed the water began to get cloudy.  During dinner, I saw the water was opaque.  By sunset, most of the flowers had curled up, as if to let us know it was bedtime.  They looked like tiny golden flutes. When I sniffed them, there was no smell.  

     The next morning, their fragile heads were still drooping when I opened the blinds.  Later as the flowers began opening up, the water seemed clearer.  And this is what piqued my curiosity:  was the plant releasing sugar or sap when it was going to sleep, and then reabsorbing it when it needed energy?  It occurred to me that this little flower was responding to and following the sun, even when it was cut and in a vase.  It hadn’t forgotten its need. 

     Here was a stark reminder to me:  to be present, to notice what is needed and to respond to that need. Can we heed such a lesson from a weed?

     Often when we’ve deemed something to be unhelpful, a bother or irritating, we forget that it is valuable and could teach us. Most people think of wood sorrel as useless.  In fact, this plant is edible and has health benefits.  It is a thirst quencher, diuretic, cooling to the system, and soothing to the stomach.  It can be used in salads, soups, and when sautéed with onions, chilies and garlic, makes a delicious tangy accompaniment (recipe below) to fried fish.  Its flowers make simple stunning bouquets that incidentally lasted almost a week in the vase.

     Our lives are so busy, we rarely have time to pay attention to what’s happening in the moment.  In the process, we overlook our needs that are also subject to changing seasons, weather and circumstances.  But we can use everyday things – flowers, children, birds, animals, trees – as reminders that we also need nurturing.  This way, we won’t have to expend so much energy using our willpower to remember what we love and need to nurture ourselves.  We can make paying attention a habit that puts us in touch with ourselves.

     So the next time you look at a weed in your garden, stop before you yank it out.  And really look at it.  Consider what this ‘insignificant’ plant may be able to teach you about responding to life. And then consider your response: to heed its lesson or dump it into the yard waste bin. 

     May you be awakened by the overlooked and ordinary.  

Wood Sorrel (Sour) Chutney Recipe

4 tablespoons oil

1 medium onion chopped

½ tsp of mixed seeds (mustard, fenugreek, cumin)

1 green chili chopped (depending on how spicy you like it)

2 cloves garlic chopped

Little salt

Big bunch of oxcalis greens (washed; large stems and flowers removed)

Heat oil in an enamel pot (not a metal pot).  Add seeds until they splutter.  Add onion and saute until brown.  Add green chilis and garlic till fragrant.  Then add greens, salt and cook on low until soft.  Greens will discolor.  Cook on low for about an hour until all the water evaporates and the oil begins to surface.  Use an immersion blender to lightly puree the mixture.  Good accompaniment with seafood dishes because of its lemony taste.  

Interpreting our Way to Greater Happiness

     Some situations in life aren’t taught to us, and yet when faced with them, we assume we should somehow know how to deal with them.  How do you handle such occurrences in your life?  How many “shoulds”, “musts”, “have tos” do you impose on yourself?  And how does the interpretation of “should have done”, or “would have to,” influence how you feel about yourself and the situation you are facing?  

  The interpretation we ascribe to a situation directly contributes to how much or little stress we will feel.  We can ask ourselves: “are my interpretations of occurrences in my life beneficial or harmful to me?  Do they ease or burden my life? 

  When we approach every situation with the attitude that we should know how to deal with them, then we are setting ourselves up for high stress.  All of us had to, at some point, learn to walk, drive, interview for a job, cross the street, answer a research question – we weren’t born knowing these skills.  And right up to this very moment, some of you may be learning new information from reading this article.  So the acquisition of knowledge is an ongoing skills-building activity that is a lifelong process.  Indeed our 'success' in life depends on our adaptability and open responsiveness to unfolding life situations.  So consider this:  do we understand the crucial difference between taking offense versus being harmed? 

  Sometimes realization can come in the simplest way.  I'm remembering an incident from many years ago that brought home the difference between being offended and harmed, and simultaneously awakened my inner critic : “how could I have not known this before?”  One day I was complaining to a friend about my awful job situation and she replied, “you take things too personally.”  I instantly defended my position.  Later on, however, I pondered her odd remark.   

     Even though I had reacted by righteously defending my interpretation of the situation at my job, I will always be grateful to her for that comment.  Its incisiveness cut through to my blind spot – it showed me that in life there’s always another possible interpretation or response.  I might have intellectually known this, but I hadn’t really understood it.

     Typically our interpretations are reactions born out of our beliefs, attitudes, and conditioning.  A reaction naturally precludes other perspectives.  Its swiftness swallows up the gap of space to breathe, be present, and reflect on what’s occurring.  In short, reactivity shuts down possibilities. 

      So let’s return to the difference between being offended and being harmed.  According to Lou Marinoff in his book, “Plato, Not Prozac,” the difference is essentially one of interpretation.  He explains it this way.  If someone slaps you in the face, then this is being harmed.  There’s only one interpretation possible.  If, however, someone said you were lazy and useless, here there is more than one possible interpretation.  You will have to do some self-reflection and then determine how true the remark is or isn’t.  In this instance, you CHOOSE whether to be offended or to simply shrug off the remark.  The latter is largely dependent on your interpretation of the accuracy of the remark, whereas the former is determined by the physical pain you experience, which isn’t subject to interpretation.  You may have already know this, I didn’t and was very glad for the reminder. 

     The disadvantages of applying the “should know” interpretation is that we –

·         fail to see and appreciate what’s actually happening in the moment,

·         expect perfection from ourselves,

·         become combative with and judgmental of ourselves,

·         don’t learn from the situation or about our coping ability,

·         don’t allow all possibilities to come to bear in the situation.

My friend’s timely comment helped me see an option existed to respond i.e. to interpret the situation so as to benefit me and possibly the other person too.  This is helpful in building healthy relationships, as we don’t live in isolation.  Our lives are constantly intersecting with people who hold vastly differing ideas and attitudes, and in order to peacefully coexist and successfully interact with them, we need skills that can benefit us to this end.

 Mindfulness helps us to notice our own reactivity whether it is taking offense, verbally and physically retaliating, insulting ourselves and so on.  In the practice of mindful awareness, we use ourselves as the training ground for growing our responsiveness.  We allow and accept whatever arises in our mind and emotions. With time, inch by inch we grow to accept ourselves, as we are.  When we accept ourselves, we become more able to clearly see and flow with whatever life brings us – pain or joy.  And the more clearly we see, the clearer our interpretations of life will be.

May you interpret your way to happiness. 

Simple Steps to Practising Gratitude

       It’s another new year.  But just like any other day or year, it arrives in a moment.  We can use this moment to approach the year with a grateful eye for all that we’ve been given.

       I visited an office, and a woman there who knew that my mother had passed away last year immediately reassured me that this year was going to be a better one.  We hugged and I was touched by this warm big-hearted person who was trying to make me feel better.  The fact is though no one knows whether this year is going to be better than last year.  What we do know is -- what we can do to make it better!

Drinking it in

       And one way to enjoy the moment and the year is by growing our gratitude.  If we paid close attention, we’d realize that many things in our lives work out, fall into place, manifest, are realized, are enjoyed, function, turn on, and go smoothly.  In other words, more often than not things do go right for us.  What blinds us to this fact, is our wish that it should always and every single time go our way.  Our tendency (negativity bias) is to focus on where we’ve failed or how people and things have disappointed us. But only looking through the distorted lens of failure or disappointment blinds us to how well things normally unfold.

       In the spirit of New Year's resolutions, consider experimenting with being grateful for the things that work out and for the setbacks in your life.  If we were to consider just how much goes into each moment to help us function we’d be astounded.  For instance:  right now I’m writing this article to share with you. I’m able to do this with the help of a computer to capture my thoughts; the chair that helps me sit upright to type; the home, provided by my husband’s job, in which I can write; the food I ate to nourish my body and mind; the sun lighting up this room; my cousin’s suggestion to write about gratitude and happiness; and the list goes on.  In any given moment, there’s so much working to support us, and to help us be, experience, and participate.  The desire to always have it be the same i.e. everything always being as we wish it, causes us to overlook the contribution and bounty right before our eyes. 

Steps to Practicing Gratitude

       The path to growing our gratitude is through expanding our perspective and awareness.  We do this by paying attention. Noticing what’s happening in and around us and taking it all in with the eyes of wonder.  To actively engage our curiosity we can ask ourselves these questions: “what are all the things that are supporting me in this moment?” or “what am I receiving right now?”

Appreciation

       Try not to overlook the ordinary things. To illustrate: even a mundane activity like making a cup of coffee requires the contribution of many energies and beings – the coffee bean and grower, the soil the plant grew in, the water and sun, the microbes in the ground, the store owner, the water company, the plumber who laid the pipes in your home, the electricity to warm the water and so on.  Through this kind of observation, we begin to learn about interdependence and from it gratitude will begin to flow.

       We can also practise gratitude by paying attention to our feelings.  The feelings we experience when we are chilled and wrap a warm blanket around ourselves, or when a friend hugs us in a difficult time, or the feel of cool grass under our feet on a hot day. These experiences remind us of our ability to enjoy and receive.  We’ll also begin to notice that, for many of us, we tend to receive more than we give.  This gentle nudge can move us to show more gratitude to the people around us.

       And as hard as this may be to swallow, we can even learn to develop gratitude towards unpleasant experiences, emotions and people.   Less than desirable situations and emotions by their nature shake us out of our complacency.  They throws us onto unfamiliar ground, which despite making us fractious and unhappy can also serve us. If we practice only being grateful for the things going right in our lives, we’ll automatically disregard the value inherent in the encounters that challenge us.  So be grateful to your friend who insists on ripping the wool off your eyes, or the stab of fear you feel every time you think of a undertaking a new experience, or when your colleague insists on something that you disagree with.

        These experiences are like a splash of cold water – they can wake us up.   They force us out of our default operating mode, and try to broaden our perspective away from “me and my desires” to a more expansive picture of the world and its beings. In this light, we begin to recognize our interconnectedness with the world around us, see our and others' contribution to our life experiences, and feel empowered to contribute more to our and others enjoyment and happiness in life.

      

  May you experience many surprise moments of gratitude this year.   

Happy New Year!

May you have a wonderful New Year filled with

 love, health, friendship and laughter. 

Thank you for your support and for reading, 

sharing and commenting on the articles.

Dealing Well with Our Expectations

       What are you expecting to receive this holiday season?  Did you create a wish list, hint throughout the year or leave it up in the air?  The element of surprise is delightful for some, but for others there’s both the fear of disappointment and fear of not being able to handle that disappointment well.  I’ve been thinking about expectations. 

     

      Not all expectations are troublesome or misguided.  Some help us move towards our potential and keep us motivated.  There are different kinds of presumptions: the desires and demands of people like bosses, friends, spouses, or parents, and the expectations we have of ourselves.  These can all be hard to bear when they are unbalanced and unhealthy.  In this article, we’ll discuss the expectations we have of others.  We all form them quite unconsciously most of the time, but what are they exactly?

WHAT ARE EXPECTATIONS?

       In life many things happen where we don’t react with anger or disappointment because we think of them as a natural part of what’s occurring – people crying at a funeral, birds chirping in the morning, people laughing in a comedy show.  But what if people were laughing at a funeral and crying at the comedy show? Our expectations are tied to an idea of what we think should be happening, which if thwarted leads to our being upset or disappointed.    

       It seems then that expectations are tightly bound up with ourselves.  They manifest as “I wish, I want, I like, my dream, my idea”, so our feelings and emotions are closely tied up in the situation or with the person. Such assumptions are controlling, and have an element of ‘should’ to them:  I should get a Christmas gift from my husband, my friend should invite me to her party, my son should clean up his room, and everyone should follow the rules.  These are all everyday life occurrences with the added layer of our desire of how they ought to be.  

      Our expectations are the desires we hold for something or someone to be a certain way – for lovers to say and do romantic things, for bosses to praise and acknowledge effort and sacrifice, for children to be polite and obedient, for parents to be open and accommodating.  The difficulty with them is that they are projections of hope or imagination onto an essential experience that effectively blind us to what’s actually there.  Or we see what’s there and we reject it in the hopes of changing it to what we’d like the situation or person to be.  For example – your spouse plans a weekend getaway.  You have an idea of where and what you think is the ideal getaway spot, but he takes you duck hunting.  When you learn what it is, your mind rebels and rails against it because your idea of the getaway is superimposed on the reality of the situation.  So it distorts your ability to see and enjoy what’s actually occurring because you are comparing it to what it could have been like.  Essentially then expectations cause us to think that what’s happening should be different from what’s happening!

      These imaginings and presumptions take our awareness away from the present moment and put it into the future or past.  When we think that it will or used to be better, we fail to see and appreciate what is.  At the heart of this thinking is the belief - what’s happening in the moment is wrong in some way. Our disappointment or suffering is born right then.

MANAGING OUR EXPECTATIONS:

The good news is expectations like all thoughts also change.  As do our disappointments and feelings.  Just as we and our attitudes, ideas, and beliefs change over time, our expectations will too.  We usually react when we are disappointed, but it is from the ‘ugliness’ of our reactions that we can gain wisdom. So we can manage our expectations by:

1.      noticing and thinking about our reactions from past experience when our expectations ran too high or low,

2.      paying attention to the thoughts we had about the situation for e.g. how we insulted the other person mentally or verbally, or how we planned a whole list of complaints against the person, or even how we beat ourselves up for not being more open or tolerant when our expectations went unmet,

3.      understanding even in the depths of our disappointment that these feelings will pass.  Our suffering increases when we believe that pain or joy for that matter, is solid and unchanging,

4.      changing our perspective and by developing interest and curiosity about the person or situation.  This helps detach the emotion from the experience, helps us be less fixated on having things turn out how we want, and aids in how we approach future experiences,

5.      recognizing what’s within our control and what’s not. Clearly for our own sanity we give up what’s out of our control – other peoples’ attitudes, beliefs and reactions – and concentrate on what’s within our control,

6.      remaining present in the moment as the experience is unfolding.  This grounds us and keeps us from projecting out in the future or past,

7.      reflecting on what we’d like to gain from our interactions and experiences starting from the present moment.

None of this is easy.  But if we’d like to relieve our suffering and be less distressed then it certainly requires such a worthy effort.  We’ll discover that every moment holds within it the conditions for happiness and gratitude.

May you have a joyful holiday season and a happy, healthy New Year. 

Reacting and Responding

      The practice of mindfulness emphasizes responding rather than reacting.  It suggests first recognizing what you do unconsciously i.e. notice your habitual reactions, and then choose how or whether to respond.  These words – react and respond – may be ones we’ve heard and even have some vague understanding of, but do we understand what they mean viscerally? 

      When something is a habit, it can become so ingrained it becomes unconscious.  So this distinction between responding and reacting may not be understood so well. For many of us, when something upsets or irritates us, we fail to recognize the initial symptoms that our body is communicating, which can alert us that we are about to react.  When I was young, it seemed like my mother was constantly telling me to breathe and count to ten to prevent me from exploding in rage.  It was good advice.  The thing is I only knew I was angry when I was already screaming and kicking things.  I wasn’t able to identify the tell-tale signs of growing anger in my body.  Mindfulness helped me identify what my particular symptoms are when I’m about to react.  This month’s article will help us learn how to distinguish between reacting and responding with examples to illustrate. 

      Our emotions particularly difficult ones like anger, sadness, and anxiety cause us much distress because we think they are bad and therefore assume they make us bad.  We automatically try to get rid of our ‘bad’ feelings and emotions. The fact is they are a natural part of who we are.  More importantly, they have the ability to teach us about ourselves, so they aren’t a problem in and of themselves.  They only become “problematic’ in how we express them.

      How we deal with difficult, painful or traumatic emotions and feelings is the difference between reacting and responding.  Obviously sometimes reacting is absolutely vital.  If a dog is charging towards you or a car hurtling towards a child, reacting is important and necessary because safety and survival depends on it; there’s no time to ponder what action needs doing. However, chances are we don’t have to call on this instinctive response too often in our everyday lives.  Using this default behavior all the time and in all situations is when we run into trouble.

      Typically reactions happen:

a.       very fast,

b.      are instinctive and immediate,

c.       without thought of the consequences,

d.      and you feel constricted and tight in your thoughts and feelings,

      For example:  your husband or sister asks you: “are you going out in that dress?”  You retaliate with a snappy comeback.  This is a reaction.  Your mind perceived an insult or attack in their question.  Without pausing to ask “I wonder why they are asking that question?” you immediately assume you are being judged.  The fact is he or she could be questioning your choice because the dress has a stain or is torn.  Even if there’s past experience where they might have judged you (which will influence your current outlook), you just don’t know if in this particular instance they may be asking it for a different reason. 

      So when we react, we quite often aren’t living in the present moment, instead we are living through our past experiences and ideas of the situations and people.  Ultimately, it is our idea of what we think they are saying that causes the reaction.  Whenever the gap, pause or space between a stimulus and response is non-existent, that’s a reaction. 

      Another example of a reaction:  My sister and I used to go through this maddening scenario.  I used to be upset that I always had to go to her house for dinners, or to hang out, and that she rarely came to my place.  My perception of this situation was it was unfair.  So whenever I asked her to come over and she gave her reason for declining, I was unable to hear it. Worse still, I used to distrust her reason.  In my mind, it was just an excuse.  In a vexed tone, I would reply “Oh, okay then,” but this statement used to be delivered with the finality of a death blow. On a bad day, I would immediately challenge her to explain herself, or even outright accuse her of lying. We inevitably ended up arguing.

      With reactions, there are several emotional and mental factors that influence us:

a.        the ideas we hold about the person, our attitude, or the situation

b.      our desire for what we’d like to have happen in the situation

c.       our aversion to things we don’t want to happen in the situation

      It boils down to our beliefs, and our likes and dislikes; they all influence what we’ll do and say in situations. With reacting, we rarely see the person or situation for who or what it is, rather we see them through our ideas of them.  If we routinely attack, lash out or snap at people, then with each repetition, we will strengthen that habit.  But we can train ourselves to stop our habitual reactivity.  And we do this by mindfully responding. 

Learning to Respond:

      Responding is the exact opposite of reacting.  It requires some self-reflection in advance or soon after an episode where you might have reacted.  This is necessary groundwork to help alert you to what you do and say when triggered.  To respond in a difficult situation, you:

                  1.    see clearly what’s happening as it is happening (approach each situation with an open                           mind and as if it’s happening for the first time),

2.      know your attitudes towards or beliefs about the person or situation,

3.      recognize the symptoms of frustration, anger or sadness in your mind and body,

4.      are aware of the consequences of reacting (usually based on past experience),

5.      give yourself time to breathe and think (feels expansive and wide open)

6.      choose/decide your next move or words

7.      set the intention to defuse the situation, lessen the anguish of another or yourself, or            simply avoid adding to the present misery

8.      develop some humor or lightness about the situation

      In the example with my sister:  prior to asking her over again, I would first reflect on why and what I consider unfair.  This will show me whether I’m being too rigid or need flexibility and so on.  I could train in not taking it so seriously.  These will help prepare me to hear her answer whatever it may be.  When we know the tendencies that limit or expand us, a space is born within which we can respond.

      The process of responding doesn’t mean we negate or repress our feelings of sadness, disappointment or irritation even.  It asks that we acknowledge our feelings, but still hold back long enough to choose our action, words, and desired outcome. So to respond requires that I know:

·         where and what will trigger me into reacting

·         what the bodily feelings, thoughts, emotional manifestations are when I’m triggered

·         not to get swept away in the strong emotion and sensations

·        to stop and consider my next move.

      Another example of responding:  say you are walking in a crowd and someone bumps into you from behind. Instead of spinning around and pushing them back, you stop.  Feel the pain of the contact, and think: “I wonder if this person stumbled or is feeling ill”.  This gives the other person the chance to apologize or explain.  Simply by waiting or considering another possibility, you create room to allow both people to walk away from the situation calmly, and maybe even happily. 

      I know that to respond isn’t always easy and can be quite demanding.  But just like any other habit – good or bad – it requires practice.  If you try it once and experience improved relationships or other positive results, it will motivate you to continue. We have one lifetime in which to build healthy relationships with the people in our lives.  Life is fleeting.  And death is the harsh reminder of how well we invested our time, energy and attention.  So we should invest these valuable commodities wisely to get good returns. 

      Try not to hold yourself to unreasonable expectations; know that you will forget and react –reacting is a habit, after all.  When this happens, be kind and interested in what just happened. Consider the ‘slip’ a lesson – learn what happened in your mind and body and what you thought was occurring.  This will prepare you for your next encounter of this kind.  With time and practice responding will become your operating mode – a new healthier habit.

     May you meet the next moment with friendly interest.

At a Loss

   

      These past two months I’ve been really struggling to come up with an article topic.  This could be because I’m too focused on writing about just one subject – death. 

      More specifically, the death of my mother just this past August.  The difficulty is I’m not ready to write about it, nor am I even sure if I have anything to share about her dying, nor any realization about it.  The rawness of her passing is still too visceral for me, so any understanding about it eludes me at present.

      What I am noticing is that because I’m feeling compelled to write about this life-altering occurrence, I’m unable to synthesize any other happening that’s taking place.  Since her death, I feel as if I’m wading under water or as if I’m in a fog.  My reflexes and responses are sluggish.  Consequently, much is slipping past my notice and the subsequent musings that would have yielded a worthy reading is also faded away.

     Normally, I can always fall back on reading some article or book, which would inevitably provoke a response in me.  But these days, even these have failed to elicit an insightful, helpful write-up to share with you, my reader.

     So this month, instead of the usual, you’ll get just this naked admission -- I feel utterly incapable of sharing some experience and insight with you. 

     All things being equal, perhaps this heartfelt admission is the helpful advice for this month. 

May you embrace all parts of yourself. 

Surfing Life's Ups and Downs

In a world of constant change, everything is subject to impermanence.  Trying to concretize what is essentially changeable is both impossible and unwise. No one can be praised all the time and every time.  When praise is present, there exists the possibility for blame.

     Outside my kitchen window is a camphor tree.  It is a statuesque sculpture of a tree with sinuous splayed branches bearing bunches of leaves like baskets. Every day as I stand at the counter, washing dishes or cutting vegetable, I see people walking their dogs.  And every single dog is drawn to sniff, pee or poop at the base of it. What I am struck by is the tree’s ability to still remain beautiful.

       Even though this tree suffers humiliations and ‘insults’ every time a dog visits it, none of it is evident.  The tree doesn’t shrink in shame or change in any visible way.  It remains open to receiving who ever may visit it. 

       One evening we came home to find a young man standing in front of it with his head bowed, knees slightly bent, and arms spread open in a receiving gesture.  Concerned we asked him if he was okay.   He said he had to stop to accept the tree’s powerful calming energy. Half an hour later, he was still absorbing its strength.  This tree experiences indignity and worship and through it all, it remains unfazed.  

      How well do we adapt to the ups and downs in our life?  We are drawn to always seek praise, fame, and recognition and to avoid blame, correction or insult.  When someone fails to thank us or acknowledge our effort, or even notice us, we feel lessened.  Something in us caves in and leaves us feeling hollow.  To cover up this hole or ‘bad feeling’, we get upset with ourselves or the person.  However, we don’t have to look at the feelings we experience as bad.  We can use them as a reminder to become aware of what we do when we feel pain, shame, or sadness.  The same goes for when we are praised, admired or recognized.  

     With kind curiosity, you can begin by noticing the thoughts that immediately pop into your mind when you are not honoured.  Note how the mind creates a story to either defend yourself or denigrate the other person.  If the person praised you, see what story the mind makes up about that person’s wonderful qualities.  These are attempts by the ego to reject or grasp onto something that is destroying or building it up respectively.

     In a world of constant change, everything is subject to impermanence.  Trying to concretize what is essentially changeable is both impossible and unwise.  No one can be praised all the time and every time.  When praise is present, there exists the possibility for blame.  As much as we know this, our habit is to strive towards wanting to feel good all the time.  It isn’t easy learning that life can be painful.

     We can train in learning to deal with its unsettled nature though.  The basis for this practice is to begin to know your ideas and thoughts, and their influence on your reactions and interactions in situations.  To begin catching the stories we weave when we are upset or happy, the practice of mindfulness is very helpful.

    Mindfulness is paying attention to what’s happening in the moment without changing anything.  It is the skill to keep the mind on whatever you want to keep it on.  With this training, you’ll begin to see when your mind drifts away from the focus.  Then you note where it went and gently return to the thing you want to be paying attention to.  You do all of this with a sense of curiosity and interest as if it’s happening outside of yourself; you become an observer of your mind’s antics from moment to moment.

     The benefits of training in this way is that it helps you:

1.      see clearly what’s happening in the moment as it is happening,

2.      trains you to let go and come to back to what you are choosing to focus on,

3.      grow your attention and lessen your distractibility and reactivity, every time you come back.

It also lessens stress, improves relationships by making you more present and most importantly, it helps you begin to know and grow to accept all the perfect and imperfect parts of yourself completely. 

            May you awaken to life’s impermanence.