Dealing Well with Our Expectations

       What are you expecting to receive this holiday season?  Did you create a wish list, hint throughout the year or leave it up in the air?  The element of surprise is delightful for some, but for others there’s both the fear of disappointment and fear of not being able to handle that disappointment well.  I’ve been thinking about expectations. 

     

      Not all expectations are troublesome or misguided.  Some help us move towards our potential and keep us motivated.  There are different kinds of presumptions: the desires and demands of people like bosses, friends, spouses, or parents, and the expectations we have of ourselves.  These can all be hard to bear when they are unbalanced and unhealthy.  In this article, we’ll discuss the expectations we have of others.  We all form them quite unconsciously most of the time, but what are they exactly?

WHAT ARE EXPECTATIONS?

       In life many things happen where we don’t react with anger or disappointment because we think of them as a natural part of what’s occurring – people crying at a funeral, birds chirping in the morning, people laughing in a comedy show.  But what if people were laughing at a funeral and crying at the comedy show? Our expectations are tied to an idea of what we think should be happening, which if thwarted leads to our being upset or disappointed.    

       It seems then that expectations are tightly bound up with ourselves.  They manifest as “I wish, I want, I like, my dream, my idea”, so our feelings and emotions are closely tied up in the situation or with the person. Such assumptions are controlling, and have an element of ‘should’ to them:  I should get a Christmas gift from my husband, my friend should invite me to her party, my son should clean up his room, and everyone should follow the rules.  These are all everyday life occurrences with the added layer of our desire of how they ought to be.  

      Our expectations are the desires we hold for something or someone to be a certain way – for lovers to say and do romantic things, for bosses to praise and acknowledge effort and sacrifice, for children to be polite and obedient, for parents to be open and accommodating.  The difficulty with them is that they are projections of hope or imagination onto an essential experience that effectively blind us to what’s actually there.  Or we see what’s there and we reject it in the hopes of changing it to what we’d like the situation or person to be.  For example – your spouse plans a weekend getaway.  You have an idea of where and what you think is the ideal getaway spot, but he takes you duck hunting.  When you learn what it is, your mind rebels and rails against it because your idea of the getaway is superimposed on the reality of the situation.  So it distorts your ability to see and enjoy what’s actually occurring because you are comparing it to what it could have been like.  Essentially then expectations cause us to think that what’s happening should be different from what’s happening!

      These imaginings and presumptions take our awareness away from the present moment and put it into the future or past.  When we think that it will or used to be better, we fail to see and appreciate what is.  At the heart of this thinking is the belief - what’s happening in the moment is wrong in some way. Our disappointment or suffering is born right then.

MANAGING OUR EXPECTATIONS:

The good news is expectations like all thoughts also change.  As do our disappointments and feelings.  Just as we and our attitudes, ideas, and beliefs change over time, our expectations will too.  We usually react when we are disappointed, but it is from the ‘ugliness’ of our reactions that we can gain wisdom. So we can manage our expectations by:

1.      noticing and thinking about our reactions from past experience when our expectations ran too high or low,

2.      paying attention to the thoughts we had about the situation for e.g. how we insulted the other person mentally or verbally, or how we planned a whole list of complaints against the person, or even how we beat ourselves up for not being more open or tolerant when our expectations went unmet,

3.      understanding even in the depths of our disappointment that these feelings will pass.  Our suffering increases when we believe that pain or joy for that matter, is solid and unchanging,

4.      changing our perspective and by developing interest and curiosity about the person or situation.  This helps detach the emotion from the experience, helps us be less fixated on having things turn out how we want, and aids in how we approach future experiences,

5.      recognizing what’s within our control and what’s not. Clearly for our own sanity we give up what’s out of our control – other peoples’ attitudes, beliefs and reactions – and concentrate on what’s within our control,

6.      remaining present in the moment as the experience is unfolding.  This grounds us and keeps us from projecting out in the future or past,

7.      reflecting on what we’d like to gain from our interactions and experiences starting from the present moment.

None of this is easy.  But if we’d like to relieve our suffering and be less distressed then it certainly requires such a worthy effort.  We’ll discover that every moment holds within it the conditions for happiness and gratitude.

May you have a joyful holiday season and a happy, healthy New Year. 

Reacting and Responding

      The practice of mindfulness emphasizes responding rather than reacting.  It suggests first recognizing what you do unconsciously i.e. notice your habitual reactions, and then choose how or whether to respond.  These words – react and respond – may be ones we’ve heard and even have some vague understanding of, but do we understand what they mean viscerally? 

      When something is a habit, it can become so ingrained it becomes unconscious.  So this distinction between responding and reacting may not be understood so well. For many of us, when something upsets or irritates us, we fail to recognize the initial symptoms that our body is communicating, which can alert us that we are about to react.  When I was young, it seemed like my mother was constantly telling me to breathe and count to ten to prevent me from exploding in rage.  It was good advice.  The thing is I only knew I was angry when I was already screaming and kicking things.  I wasn’t able to identify the tell-tale signs of growing anger in my body.  Mindfulness helped me identify what my particular symptoms are when I’m about to react.  This month’s article will help us learn how to distinguish between reacting and responding with examples to illustrate. 

      Our emotions particularly difficult ones like anger, sadness, and anxiety cause us much distress because we think they are bad and therefore assume they make us bad.  We automatically try to get rid of our ‘bad’ feelings and emotions. The fact is they are a natural part of who we are.  More importantly, they have the ability to teach us about ourselves, so they aren’t a problem in and of themselves.  They only become “problematic’ in how we express them.

      How we deal with difficult, painful or traumatic emotions and feelings is the difference between reacting and responding.  Obviously sometimes reacting is absolutely vital.  If a dog is charging towards you or a car hurtling towards a child, reacting is important and necessary because safety and survival depends on it; there’s no time to ponder what action needs doing. However, chances are we don’t have to call on this instinctive response too often in our everyday lives.  Using this default behavior all the time and in all situations is when we run into trouble.

      Typically reactions happen:

a.       very fast,

b.      are instinctive and immediate,

c.       without thought of the consequences,

d.      and you feel constricted and tight in your thoughts and feelings,

      For example:  your husband or sister asks you: “are you going out in that dress?”  You retaliate with a snappy comeback.  This is a reaction.  Your mind perceived an insult or attack in their question.  Without pausing to ask “I wonder why they are asking that question?” you immediately assume you are being judged.  The fact is he or she could be questioning your choice because the dress has a stain or is torn.  Even if there’s past experience where they might have judged you (which will influence your current outlook), you just don’t know if in this particular instance they may be asking it for a different reason. 

      So when we react, we quite often aren’t living in the present moment, instead we are living through our past experiences and ideas of the situations and people.  Ultimately, it is our idea of what we think they are saying that causes the reaction.  Whenever the gap, pause or space between a stimulus and response is non-existent, that’s a reaction. 

      Another example of a reaction:  My sister and I used to go through this maddening scenario.  I used to be upset that I always had to go to her house for dinners, or to hang out, and that she rarely came to my place.  My perception of this situation was it was unfair.  So whenever I asked her to come over and she gave her reason for declining, I was unable to hear it. Worse still, I used to distrust her reason.  In my mind, it was just an excuse.  In a vexed tone, I would reply “Oh, okay then,” but this statement used to be delivered with the finality of a death blow. On a bad day, I would immediately challenge her to explain herself, or even outright accuse her of lying. We inevitably ended up arguing.

      With reactions, there are several emotional and mental factors that influence us:

a.        the ideas we hold about the person, our attitude, or the situation

b.      our desire for what we’d like to have happen in the situation

c.       our aversion to things we don’t want to happen in the situation

      It boils down to our beliefs, and our likes and dislikes; they all influence what we’ll do and say in situations. With reacting, we rarely see the person or situation for who or what it is, rather we see them through our ideas of them.  If we routinely attack, lash out or snap at people, then with each repetition, we will strengthen that habit.  But we can train ourselves to stop our habitual reactivity.  And we do this by mindfully responding. 

Learning to Respond:

      Responding is the exact opposite of reacting.  It requires some self-reflection in advance or soon after an episode where you might have reacted.  This is necessary groundwork to help alert you to what you do and say when triggered.  To respond in a difficult situation, you:

                  1.    see clearly what’s happening as it is happening (approach each situation with an open                           mind and as if it’s happening for the first time),

2.      know your attitudes towards or beliefs about the person or situation,

3.      recognize the symptoms of frustration, anger or sadness in your mind and body,

4.      are aware of the consequences of reacting (usually based on past experience),

5.      give yourself time to breathe and think (feels expansive and wide open)

6.      choose/decide your next move or words

7.      set the intention to defuse the situation, lessen the anguish of another or yourself, or            simply avoid adding to the present misery

8.      develop some humor or lightness about the situation

      In the example with my sister:  prior to asking her over again, I would first reflect on why and what I consider unfair.  This will show me whether I’m being too rigid or need flexibility and so on.  I could train in not taking it so seriously.  These will help prepare me to hear her answer whatever it may be.  When we know the tendencies that limit or expand us, a space is born within which we can respond.

      The process of responding doesn’t mean we negate or repress our feelings of sadness, disappointment or irritation even.  It asks that we acknowledge our feelings, but still hold back long enough to choose our action, words, and desired outcome. So to respond requires that I know:

·         where and what will trigger me into reacting

·         what the bodily feelings, thoughts, emotional manifestations are when I’m triggered

·         not to get swept away in the strong emotion and sensations

·        to stop and consider my next move.

      Another example of responding:  say you are walking in a crowd and someone bumps into you from behind. Instead of spinning around and pushing them back, you stop.  Feel the pain of the contact, and think: “I wonder if this person stumbled or is feeling ill”.  This gives the other person the chance to apologize or explain.  Simply by waiting or considering another possibility, you create room to allow both people to walk away from the situation calmly, and maybe even happily. 

      I know that to respond isn’t always easy and can be quite demanding.  But just like any other habit – good or bad – it requires practice.  If you try it once and experience improved relationships or other positive results, it will motivate you to continue. We have one lifetime in which to build healthy relationships with the people in our lives.  Life is fleeting.  And death is the harsh reminder of how well we invested our time, energy and attention.  So we should invest these valuable commodities wisely to get good returns. 

      Try not to hold yourself to unreasonable expectations; know that you will forget and react –reacting is a habit, after all.  When this happens, be kind and interested in what just happened. Consider the ‘slip’ a lesson – learn what happened in your mind and body and what you thought was occurring.  This will prepare you for your next encounter of this kind.  With time and practice responding will become your operating mode – a new healthier habit.

     May you meet the next moment with friendly interest.

At a Loss

   

      These past two months I’ve been really struggling to come up with an article topic.  This could be because I’m too focused on writing about just one subject – death. 

      More specifically, the death of my mother just this past August.  The difficulty is I’m not ready to write about it, nor am I even sure if I have anything to share about her dying, nor any realization about it.  The rawness of her passing is still too visceral for me, so any understanding about it eludes me at present.

      What I am noticing is that because I’m feeling compelled to write about this life-altering occurrence, I’m unable to synthesize any other happening that’s taking place.  Since her death, I feel as if I’m wading under water or as if I’m in a fog.  My reflexes and responses are sluggish.  Consequently, much is slipping past my notice and the subsequent musings that would have yielded a worthy reading is also faded away.

     Normally, I can always fall back on reading some article or book, which would inevitably provoke a response in me.  But these days, even these have failed to elicit an insightful, helpful write-up to share with you, my reader.

     So this month, instead of the usual, you’ll get just this naked admission -- I feel utterly incapable of sharing some experience and insight with you. 

     All things being equal, perhaps this heartfelt admission is the helpful advice for this month. 

May you embrace all parts of yourself. 

Surfing Life's Ups and Downs

In a world of constant change, everything is subject to impermanence.  Trying to concretize what is essentially changeable is both impossible and unwise. No one can be praised all the time and every time.  When praise is present, there exists the possibility for blame.

     Outside my kitchen window is a camphor tree.  It is a statuesque sculpture of a tree with sinuous splayed branches bearing bunches of leaves like baskets. Every day as I stand at the counter, washing dishes or cutting vegetable, I see people walking their dogs.  And every single dog is drawn to sniff, pee or poop at the base of it. What I am struck by is the tree’s ability to still remain beautiful.

       Even though this tree suffers humiliations and ‘insults’ every time a dog visits it, none of it is evident.  The tree doesn’t shrink in shame or change in any visible way.  It remains open to receiving who ever may visit it. 

       One evening we came home to find a young man standing in front of it with his head bowed, knees slightly bent, and arms spread open in a receiving gesture.  Concerned we asked him if he was okay.   He said he had to stop to accept the tree’s powerful calming energy. Half an hour later, he was still absorbing its strength.  This tree experiences indignity and worship and through it all, it remains unfazed.  

      How well do we adapt to the ups and downs in our life?  We are drawn to always seek praise, fame, and recognition and to avoid blame, correction or insult.  When someone fails to thank us or acknowledge our effort, or even notice us, we feel lessened.  Something in us caves in and leaves us feeling hollow.  To cover up this hole or ‘bad feeling’, we get upset with ourselves or the person.  However, we don’t have to look at the feelings we experience as bad.  We can use them as a reminder to become aware of what we do when we feel pain, shame, or sadness.  The same goes for when we are praised, admired or recognized.  

     With kind curiosity, you can begin by noticing the thoughts that immediately pop into your mind when you are not honoured.  Note how the mind creates a story to either defend yourself or denigrate the other person.  If the person praised you, see what story the mind makes up about that person’s wonderful qualities.  These are attempts by the ego to reject or grasp onto something that is destroying or building it up respectively.

     In a world of constant change, everything is subject to impermanence.  Trying to concretize what is essentially changeable is both impossible and unwise.  No one can be praised all the time and every time.  When praise is present, there exists the possibility for blame.  As much as we know this, our habit is to strive towards wanting to feel good all the time.  It isn’t easy learning that life can be painful.

     We can train in learning to deal with its unsettled nature though.  The basis for this practice is to begin to know your ideas and thoughts, and their influence on your reactions and interactions in situations.  To begin catching the stories we weave when we are upset or happy, the practice of mindfulness is very helpful.

    Mindfulness is paying attention to what’s happening in the moment without changing anything.  It is the skill to keep the mind on whatever you want to keep it on.  With this training, you’ll begin to see when your mind drifts away from the focus.  Then you note where it went and gently return to the thing you want to be paying attention to.  You do all of this with a sense of curiosity and interest as if it’s happening outside of yourself; you become an observer of your mind’s antics from moment to moment.

     The benefits of training in this way is that it helps you:

1.      see clearly what’s happening in the moment as it is happening,

2.      trains you to let go and come to back to what you are choosing to focus on,

3.      grow your attention and lessen your distractibility and reactivity, every time you come back.

It also lessens stress, improves relationships by making you more present and most importantly, it helps you begin to know and grow to accept all the perfect and imperfect parts of yourself completely. 

            May you awaken to life’s impermanence.

Building Better Relationships

 Everything in life is relative.  Even our painful relationship experiences

can provide the opportunity to know ourselves better.

Reflection

      Yesterday morning I awoke early to weed the garden.  In between the heirloom tomatoes and patty pan plants were countless weeds.  They were shallow growers, but spread their stems out in a radial pattern creeping under the hairy tomato branches, which I’m allergic to, and the spiny, poky squash plant.  The ground was somewhat dry (low water usage due to the drought), but I was able to yank them out quite easily.   By the time I was done though, I was scratched and itching and glad that it was over. 

     There are many things in life that challenge and frustrate us. Weeding the garden may not be especially irritating or painful, but relationships with colleagues, family and friends, now these do have a habit of taxing our patience and kindness.  Could these become opportunities for learning about ourselves?

     To know ourselves better, we first need to become aware of what we do.  For example, in order to judge others, we must be operating under the assumption that we are able to see them and their habits clearly.  Otherwise we’d just be arrogant fools thinking we are better than everyone else.  And most of us don’t always operate from this space of arrogance.  It is very much a part of our human nature to judge, criticize, assess, discern, deconstruct something we are trying to understand.  Can we use this to our advantage? 

     Often our tendencies aren’t universally wrong or bad.  That is: some things are perfectly okay in specific settings and spaces.  A shoe is in its rightful place on a shoe rack, but could be problematic on an altar.  A weed is ‘bad’ only because it’s stifling the growth of a plant that you choose to have live instead of the weed.  Likewise, the ability to criticize and critique when used against a person is less appreciated, but when used to analyze the pros and cons of a situation is extremely valuable.  Essentially then everything in life is relative. So then, can we exploit our human tendency for judging to give us a glimpse into our own nature, character and attitudes? 

    In psychology, there’s something called projection.  Whenever we criticize or find fault with others, we are projecting our own faults outward onto other people.  This is how and where we are able to see them clearly.  Our failings and weaknesses are hard for us to see because they are so intimately known to us, and very much part of our unconscious habits and reactivity. Much like the person we are criticizing is unable to see their own faults, we are our own blind spot.

A Mirror

    Our unconscious habits, attitudes, beliefs, attachments, desires, and expectations become the hobbling blocks that put us out of step in our relationships.  If having wonderfully fulfilling relationships are important to you, then it’s a worthwhile investment of your time and energy to discover who you are, and how you operate in stressful and challenging situations.  

    Of course, this doesn’t mean others don’t have faults, and you and I are the only ones who do.  It simply means instead of becoming embroiled in feeling bad about judging, we can use it as a chance to begin some interior work of our own.  We can use the feeling of shame, frustration, and despair we feel at being unhappy with someone else and our reaction to them, to examine what in us is causing such a reaction.  We can take a breath and turn the lens inward to see if that exact same fault exists in us.  In this way, we train in becoming smart about ourselves.

     We begin paying attention to what irritates us about our spouse, sibling, friend, and boss and then look for that same irritant in ourselves.  Who knows?  We may discover that sharing similar irritating or worrying traits is sufficient impetus to stall, if not completely eliminate, future tirades against others. 

     Awareness is a powerful tool for change.  Its mere presence is enough to help us work towards fruitful relationships where each person is allowed to be who they are, pursue what is important to them, and grow to know themselves better. 

    

     May we learn to see ourselves clearly.

A Different Angle

Changing our perspective is the simplest way to change reality and our world.  When we view our everyday life with fresh eyes, we empower ourselves to

look life straight in the eye. 

     Today was a strange day.  I talked to two people— both of whom were – shorter than me!  It was an interestingly bizarre experience.  Rarely, if ever, am I taller than those around me, with the exception of very young children.  Even adolescents are often taller than I am.  I stand at a little under 5’2’’.  So two times in one day was quite something.  The interesting thing was: having to tilt my head slightly down during the conversation gave me a glimpse, alas far too brief, into the perspective of tall people. Never before, or that I can remember, have I seen light reflecting off clavicle bones in just the way I did today.  It was fascinating. 

     Then last night I was sitting on the kitchen floor kneading dough, and I happened to glance at the bookcase full of recipe books.  Hanging from the back of the second shelf behind some books was a card of batteries.  I discovered three things in that instant: first, I found where the batteries had disappeared to; second, I realized the bookcase back must be bowed to have allowed the card to partially slide down; and third, it’s fascinating what a difference it made looking at the same things I look at every day from a new angle. 

     Our human nature is very comfortable with maintaining status quo.  Certainly this goes a long way to making life easier.  Doing so aids us in fulfilling routines, chores, and activities in a rote manner.  But wouldn’t you love the opportunity to get a new viewpoint on something quite commonplace in your life? I would! 

     I’ve always wanted to ‘see with the eyes of a child', but didn’t know how to do this.  I think when an infant observes the world it does so with wonder, curiosity and no judgment.  Could this be because of their angle of view?  Or maybe the child is allowing a wiser, bigger part of its being to approach life, whereas adults typically face encounters with fear, anxiety and the ego’s attempt to control or shape reality and the world. The child is not so fixated on controlling her world; she's interested in learning about it. For us this means being willing to see the mundane and the novel in our lives with fresh vision.

      From this new perspective then, I wondered how I would view a particularly sticky issue I’m experiencing.  I’m at a loss trying to understand and practise compassion with someone I know.  This person’s behavior and thinking are very distressing to me, and I struggle with not judging this person.  It’s a struggle I often don’t succeed at. 

      I suspect I may not always be seeing this person fully both the distressing and lovable parts.  When we can’t understand someone, we tend to only see their faults and failings and overlook their goodness and generosity. I think I am failing to see this person's point of view because I'm so focused on my objection to it. I still have to learn how to deal with my criticism to this person's way of being.  Now that I know what's blocking my ability to be kind, this awareness will begin to slow my reactions.  It may not always stop me from being unkind, but it will help me monitor my interactions and reactions from a different angle.   
     The fact is human beings are complex.  As frustrating and dissatisfying as this may be, life is rarely, if ever, just one way.  We’d much prefer things to be binary – black or white, yes or no, right or wrong, good or bad.  But gray is often the reality. 

     By allowing ourselves to see all sides of a person, we not only give them a chance to be who they are and live their lives, but we also help ourselves remain open to them.  In doing so, we spare both them and ourselves much heartache and grief.  The sad truth is when we judge others, we harm ourselves too.  An incident comes to mind.

      I’d put in a call to a colleague saying I needed her help urgently.  Three days went by and no call.  I called again; no luck.  During this time, I made a concerted effort to not get angry, feel rejected, or think awful thoughts about her.  Trust me, the urge was there.  I resisted by reminding myself I didn’t know her reason for not returning my call.  Whenever I felt the urge to lash out at her, I’d say “I don’t know if she’s in hospital.  If her child has died.  If she’s been diagnosed with something”, and this was sufficient to put a halt to my story line. I called again.  She sounded her normal self, and explained she’d been busy.  Listening to her, I was struck not so much by her casual indifference, but by how relieved I felt.  Because I hadn’t maligned her, I didn’t have anything to feel bad about.  Of course, being vigilant of our responses makes our interactions more demanding, but in the long run it benefits both parties.

          As challenging as it can be, when we are able to view our everyday life with fresh eyes, we empower ourselves to look life straight in the eye.  We see what’s right before us even if it makes us uncomfortable.  And by using our relationships and experiences as the training ground for developing a new way of seeing, we cultivate the skills to surf the waves of change and to grow wiser about ourselves.

     May you see with the eyes of child.

Multitasking to Distraction

Sometimes we surprise ourselves when we are able to give up 

the very thing we thought we'd be totally lost without,

 and thereby inadvertently learn a way of being less distracted.    

    At the end of March, we got rid of our television service.  I’d been dreading and longing to do this for years and years.  I had always had a love hate relationship with television; I liked the background sound and entertainment it provided, but I also resented that it kept me from writing more. Often while watching a show or movie, I’d be thinking someone had to sit down and write this script.  Finally, two things catapulted my decision – first, I was finally ready to put aside my major distraction, and second, the cost was becoming prohibitive.

     You all know that experience where the anticipation of something is so much worse than the reality. When I reflect on the anxiety I used to suffer just thinking about not having television, it shocks me to realize how addicted I was to it.  But over the last year or so, that dependence had begun to wane.  Well, it’s been two months now without it, and I haven’t missed it one day. Not one day! I can’t believe it.  The funny thing is I used to rely on the distraction of television to get so many things done in a day. 

         I used to do practically everything in front of or with the television on.  Often I would just listen to a show while working.  I would iron, cook, clean house, sew and make cards with the television on. I used to pride myself on how much I was getting done while “watching television.” Out of friendly curiosity, I should revisit those finished products and projects to see just how well they were completed.  Ever since the service disconnection, the first thing I’ve noticed is how centered I feel. 

   These days while cooking or gardening I no longer hear that constant internal dialogue, "I wonder what's on right now?"  This voice has been silenced, (probably replaced by another, I don't doubt).  As a result I don't feel so split in mind and body.  Now when I'm cutting vegetables, all of me is there at the counter cutting vegetables.  It's a wonderful feeling.  And these tasks seem to be carried out with a calmer presence.

    While I may be moving slower (perhaps because of age or just being more mindful), my tasks are completed with less frustration than in the past.  Before in my haste to not miss the start of a movie, I’d try to rush through the job at hand, and if things were delayed then the stress increased. 

     When we multitask, we are subjecting the mind and body to quite a bit of stress. The implicit suggestion in multitasking is that there are many things to do, and only so much time in which to do them; this then forces us to split our attention to get it all done as quickly as possible, which in turn puts a strain on the mind and body. 

     In my mindfulness class, I have to remind students that when it’s time to meditate, they should do just that.  In class, they put their writing materials on the floor rather than balance them on their laps during the meditation because it signals to the mind and body that the present activity is the priority and focus.  Otherwise the mind will not fully settle as it will be preparing to return to the other activity before long.

     In this vein, research shows that splitting the attention between two or more tasks requiring input from a person isn’t the best use of time. There are situations where we can multitask effectively:  tasks like typing a letter which requires our contribution and effort, and another like chewing or drinking a cup of tea requiring no input.  But multitasking is less effective if both activities require input.  Having to switch the attention from one task to another, the brain has to deactivate from one activity and brain region, regroup and reactivate in another region for the other activity thereby increasing the time taken, effort expended and chance of errors occurring. So focusing on one task at a time is a far more efficient and effective use of the brain and energy, as it helps the person better retain information about the job, make fewer mistakes, save time, decrease stress, and increase memory retention.   

     In the meantime, we’ve taken to renting movies and shows occasionally, and now we get to watch what we want, when we want.  Less stress and more enjoyment. 

     

May you be free of distraction today.

Change is Going to Come...

Change.  Its challenge lies in our response to it and is not something inherent to change itself.  The only way to make change manageable is by relating to it differently.

     A couple of months ago, Stephen was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (I suspect triggered by the flu shot he got late last year).  We were completely shocked by the diagnosis because he’s thin, fit, a healthful eater, has no family history, and is over age 40, so he had none of the predictors for any type of diabetes.  The first few days were swallowed up by urgent care and emergency room visits, so there wasn’t time to sit down and process it all. 

     Since then it’s occurred to me that this condition forces consciousness. Granted I’m not the one enduring the changes to schedule and the disruption to my lifestyle, but as our thoughts create our reality, what if we adopt the perspective that this diagnosis is empowering? 

     Here’s what I mean: every moment since before birth our organs and systems have been working tirelessly carrying out vital life functions. Most of these functions go unnoticed by us until there’s some malfunction.  Developing a chronic condition like diabetes requires that someone or Stephen, in this case, now has, for all intents and purposes, to function as his pancreas.

     From a mindfulness perspective this is an awakening.  Not just in the sense of realizing life’s impermanence, but also because it requires a more engaged and conscious approach to living life.  For instance: whereas in the past, he might have been able to eat a slice of pizza and not wonder how his body was digesting it, now he has to, in advance, be aware of what it takes for the body to process a slice of pizza.   

     It’s almost as if his world’s turned inside out.  Now every time he eats carbohydrates, he has to manually give himself the insulin that his pancreas would have automatically squirted out to maintain homeostasis. For those of us who don’t have diabetes, our pancreas continually produces the right amount of insulin to allow our cells to use the sugar in our blood. So whether we eat mindfully or indiscriminately, we aren’t reminded – except perhaps with minor discomfort – of the ramification of our actions.  We can continue mindless of the effort exerted by the body to maintain balance.

     For Stephen, I see how he has to factor into his mind and day all that he’s doing, eating and undergoing.  Every bit of exercise he does, food he eats, drink he imbibes, stress he undergoes, sleep he loses, he can now read the effect in his blood glucose reading.  Where my mind may peripherally or wholly miss what’s going on in and around me, Stephen’s suddenly been given the power to see the influence of his life choices on his body and mind.  This is empowering because it helps with making mindful choices.

     Please don’t misunderstand me –I’m not romanticizing the diabetic condition.  It must surely be daunting to anticipate a lifetime of pricking one’s fingers at least three times a day, finding non-scarred fingertips for blood draws, figuring out meals and insulin dosages, searching for new injection sites on the body, and always having snacks and glucose boosters on hand. 

     In our short experience with dealing with diabetes, it seems to me it provides the opportunity to see the direct effect of our actions on ourselves.  The upshot of this is that we can use difficult situations such as learning we have a chronic condition, or other admittedly destabilizing episodes like divorces and deaths, as a reminder to keep an open mind. 

     Whether we learn from a painful situation or not reveals much about ourselves. Trauma and difficulty make us stronger.  They also show us where we are stuck in our reactivity, habits and mindset.  One component of acceptance is dealing with the physical demands of life changing episodes and another is facing and working with its emotional toll. It is important to address all aspects of such change. 

     As change is a normal part of living, we can train ourselves to pay attention to whether we embrace, reject or ignore the changes that arise in our life.  Then we can practise developing a new relationship to those things that we find difficult. 

     The best way to form a new perspective on a sticky issue is to develop interest and curiosity about it. Trying to look at what’s occurring with detachment, fosters the ability to let go and to recognize what’s within our control and not in our control.  When you are able to do this, you begin to expand your knowledge about life and yourself.

     May you be open to life’s constant change. 

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

If you've been struggling with:

                       being present in the moment, and/or

                       find yourself reacting in the same manner over and over again,

and you'd like to learn about or change these habits, then you may be interested in this class...

Mindfulness: Practices to Grow Self Knowledge.  

Beginning - April 19 at 9h15

Go to the Cambell Adult Community Education to sign up for this class (7026)  http://www.cace.cuhsd.org/domain/29

If you are interested in learning more about Mindfulness, click 

http://www.acceptancehealing.com/p/mindfulness-and-acceptance-workshops.html

Don't miss out on this opportunity to expand your awareness and learn more about yourself.  

Class is filling up quickly, register early.  

In a Plastic World...

In that moment, I laughed as I understood that even this irritating plastic 

was being a teacher to me.

 We recently had the interior of our home painted.  The painters came in and covered everything in plastic.  They used two types of plastic – a soft clingy type which they taped up over cabinets, refrigerator, microwave, and another thicker type for the floors. With all the texturing, repairing, masking and painting required, the whole job took about five days to complete.  And the plastic covering remained most of that time. 

By the second day, I noticed I was restless.  I tried taking refuge in the bedroom to work but that wasn't possible; sitting on the plastic covered sofa was unpleasant because I kept slipping down the seat.  My regular meditation spot was crowded with ladders, buckets and hard curling chunks of quick set – all haphazardly piled on the ubiquitous plastic.  A partial explanation for my discomfort was having my routine disrupted by the workmen, but something else was making me fidgety, and I wondered what it was.

Certainly all my usual places – spaces of solitude – were taken from me. On a normal day, the house is quiet, except for the regular drone of the refrigerator or the sounds of the house settling.  Of course, there are days when the house is drowned in music so loud that the whole neighborhood gets to listen in. But this felt like something more was going on. Then I got it.

It occurred to me that the swishing sound of the plastic as it blew in the breeze coming in through the open windows, and the crinkling of it underfoot was strangely unsettling to me.  This constant sound – like wind in the grass or, more sinister, a soft hissing  - was making me anxious and alert.

But the biggest realization was seeing the things that normally signify our living in a space:  tables, chairs, beds, counters, cupboards – draped in plastic made me aware of life’s temporariness.  Our home where we live, entertain, laugh, and cry was being suffocated under mounds of plastic wrap.  In this special space, wherein I create and perpetuate my various identities, its and my impermanence was being spotlighted.  In that moment, I laughed as I understood that even this irritating plastic was being a teacher to me.     

As somebody who teaches mindfulness, I had to remind myself to work with all that was occurring in my environment without wishing for anything to be different.  Being aware of the impact of environmental factors on me, I could then recognize the condition that all human beings struggle against change, and I was made uncomfortably aware of life’s mutability.   

We grow our wisdom when we learn to work with every situation life presents us.  This doesn’t mean we try to change how we approach situations, but rather that we pay attention to how we habitually react to both good and bad situations.  Once our awareness of our own reactions is honed, then we begin to gain insight into our nature and the nature of life.  All that’s required and requested us of is to be present and aware.

May you be present and aware today.  

Prioritizing for Success and Purpose

       We discover what’s most important to us and in life through experiences we are prepared for and those that broadside us.

       One Thanksgiving Day we were returning home from visiting family.  As we crested a long hill, we laughed aloud at a funny incident taking place in the audio book we were listening to.  Suddenly the narrator’s voice disappeared.  I reached out to turn up the volume.  Then the dash board lights began fading out.  This was quickly followed by the engine’s loss of power.  “Oh, the alternator’s died,” my fellow passenger exclaimed.  Fortunately, the car could roll down the hill to the freeway emergency box.  Knowing we were fine, my mind could then comfortably replay the fascinating scene that had just unfolded.  It occurred to me everything that was peripheral to the running of the car – like entertainment and lights, was immediately sacrificed to ensure that what little life the battery held, be reserved to keep the engine turning over.

      In a similar vein, I was speaking to my mother the other day and she sounded out of breath and exhausted.  She mentioned that she was very tired and had no appetite, which was making her listless. My mother is in need of heart surgery, which she chooses not to undergo, so her symptoms of exhaustion, short breath and no appetite make sense.  Her heart and lungs are working tirelessly to provide her body with oxygen and her body is prioritizing breathing over digesting food.  Here again was another lesson in putting what’s most important first.

      Life is constantly striving to wake us up out of complacency. And both these incidents are stark reminders of what’s important in life.  So do we know what is priority for us?  Are we conscious enough to recognize when our energies are being depleted in unfruitful pursuits?  Do we see that our hearts, minds and bodies are working day in and day out to keep us alive?  Do we wonder about the reason for this continual effort?

      Each moment, if we are paying attention, is a gentle reminder of life’s fleeting nature.  To approach every moment as a new beginning provides us the opportunity to grow wise about our true selves and purpose, and the nature of life – that all things are impermanent. We can reflect on life’s brevity without morbidity, but with gratitude and gusto to grab it fully.  To live each moment as if it were the only one available is to live a priority driven life. 

     Learning to prioritize has a daily practical component and a spiritual heartfelt one, too.

    On a day to day, fulfilling obligations level, we need to determine what is most important and needing our immediate attention.  Knowing how to practically tackle a list of ‘to dos’, however is still difficult for many. 

So here’s how you prioritize tasks on a daily, weekly or monthly basis:  

1.      Make a list of all that you need to do in a day, week or month. Being able to see it written down will help you see the full scope of the tasks ahead.

2.      Then determine which tasks are priority.  Know the difference between important and urgent: important is it needs to get done, urgent is something that needs to get done right away.

3.      If you have many tasks of equal importance, begin with the one that’s simplest or easiest, as this will help motivate and inspire you to tackle the tougher tasks.

4.      Remember to break up important and urgent tasks with things you enjoy doing.  This will help keep you motivated and energized to get all the work done.

     The other component of living a priority-driven life is knowing what’s most meaningful and heartfelt to you.  Being authentic and true to yourself, knowing what you value, and living the kind of life most expressive of those values, is how you begin to live a purposeful life.  There are several ways to do this but this is the approach I’ve taken, which I hope will help you too.  Here’s how you do it:

Prioritizing to Live a Meaningful and Purposeful Life:

1.      Requires you to slow down.  Take time to sit still and pay attention to what’s occurring in your life.

2.      Reflect on what’s happening for you in your mind, body, emotions and in daily life.  Journalize your experiences – begin with the most intense or vibrant experiences.

3.      Be willing to honestly acknowledge and express what is most meaningful to you; this can be challenging especially when those closest to us have different opinions and aspirations for us.    

4.      Pay attention every time you honor and sacrifice your values and goals.  Journal about these experiences.  Reading these externalized experiences will serve as a reminder, for the next time, of what’s important to you.

5.      Over time your priorities will shape your thoughts, actions, and life decisions; then you are living your purpose.

      Keeping on top of things – being mindful and aware -- is admittedly demanding.  Try to practise tolerance and kindness for yourself when you forget to honour what’s most important for you.   Being kind is also acceptance of our basic nature and this is as much a priority in life as any other we set for ourselves.

   May you be filled with wisdom.

Creating Breathing Room

For those of us who missed the chance to make changes in the New Year, all’s not lost.  The Chinese New Year (Year of the Wood Horse) begins 31 January.  This presents the perfect opportunity to start clearing our space – both internally and externally.

Clearing out outer and inner space is vital for the promotion of balance and well being.  Cluttered rooms full of unused and unwanted things only cause energy to stagnate.  If rooms are too full they impede the free flow of energy in and around the room. Over time that blocked energy can affect the people using that room.  Feng Shui (the art of understanding the flow of Chi’ or energy) considers the rise and fall, and stagnation or flowing energy in one’s environment.  Blocked energy creates disharmony and imbalance.  A healthy energy flow creates harmony in our environment and also within us. 

A cluttered mind and body, stagnant with unhelpful attitudes and beliefs is also unhealthy.  When body energies are blocked or congested, then physical, mental and emotional issues arise.  Feelings of sluggishness, depression, anxiety, and problems with weight, body aches, digestion begin to manifest as the result of impeded energy flow in the mind and body.  

To usher in the New Year (both Western and Chinese) with a clean living environment and with a lighter healthier body and mind, here’s how to begin:

Heads Up

Decluttering your living quarters can be challenging as can changing one’s eating and sedentary habits, and one’s beliefs and attitude.  The process of creating space, free flowing movement in our homes and office and in our minds and bodies, require some checking in with ourselves, and also a touch of non sentimentality.

Tackling Your Living Environment

Which one amongst us hasn’t threatened to clean out the garage or closet and years later the job still needs doing?  So if you’ve been meaning to clean out your cupboards and office space, now is the time to do it.  Begin in one room. 

Throw out those items that you’ve yet to find a use for or grow into again.  Chances are if you haven’t sold, reused or reinvented that ‘handy’ item by now, then you aren’t likely to do so in the future.  So get rid of it.  Pay attention to your feelings, thoughts and reactions as you come across items whose existence you’d forgotten. If you find it wrenching to part with, then remind yourself that someone else could use it.  The other upside is you could get a tax deduction for donating your unused things.     

Taking on Mind and Body

Cleaning out our mind and body can be equally, if not more challenging.  Sitting still long enough to discover how and when our ‘problematic’ beliefs and attitudes contribute to our difficulties, is admittedly not easy.  We all know that running from our problems don't solve them. For this reason, amongst others, we need to develop some courage to honestly and compassionately face what we don’t like in ourselves. Awareness is the first step.

Having a bad temper has long been my biggest growth area.  After years of hard lessons, I’ve learnt to create some space around my tendency to flare up -- by acknowledging my habit, breathing deeply, and checking in with my body, I then decide how to act or not.   Allowing these feelings space to manifest (sitting with them), I am able to notice the tell tale signs of growing anger in my body.  By recognizing what is happening in my body, I am better able to pause my reactive spouting.  This has spared me and and other people from unnecessary pain.  A space, brief as a breath, is enough to make room in your thoughts, and feelings. 

Meditation is a great way of creating space in mind and emotions.  Mindfulness is especially effective because it trains us in arresting our reactivity, thereby creating a pause between the trigger incident and our response.  After clearly seeing what’s happening, you can then choose to act or not.  Mindfulness practise can also be extended into daily activities like walking, driving, working, and while relating to loved ones, co workers and friends.

Other effective healing modalities in releasing blocked energy and creating space is Pranic healing, Reiki and acupuncture.  These practises harmonize body, mind and spirit by decongesting blocked energies and revitalizing deficient energy spots in the body, mind and environment. 

May you be in harmony.