Managing Anger in Stressful Times

     The other day at Home Depot, two men got into a heated argument over who had broken the queue.  One of the men, a giant over 6ft, stalked over to the shorter man, and looming over him challenged and swore him.  The shorter man, visibly pale, but furious tried to act macho as he weakly parried insult for insult.  I watched horror stricken, hoping they wouldn’t come to blows. 

      When I was in India a couple of months ago, I got into an argument with a few people who I thought were trying to cheat me.  I related this incident to students in my meditation class.  One student asked me if I felt good after angrily telling them off.  I said no because I was embarrassed at having forgotten my training and losing my cool.  And my ranting hadn’t changed the outcome.  The futility of anger is clarified in this quote by the 8^th Century Indian Buddhist monk Shantideva:

 “If something can be remedied, why get upset?

 If something can’t be remedied, why get upset?”

      Venting my anger had only succeeded in making my body tremble, heart race, and left me feeling exhausted and impotent.  I had wasted energy but had achieved nothing of benefit.  I could tell my answer hadn’t satisfied her or many other students. 

     I’ve since thought more about her question.  We assume that when we vent our anger we are at least not letting ourselves be taken advantage of and we are fighting back.  These were certainly the thoughts and feelings flashing through me during my Indian altercation.

      We are living in challenging times in a world and country that’s polarized, where distrust and distress are growing every day. With the daily onslaught to our civil and social rights and the loss of human life in racial attacks, there's good reason to be upset, but we should be careful not to vent our anger. 

       Anger isn’t bad, but it is unhealthy.  Sometimes it is justified. The trouble with it though is that even if the anger is valid, becoming enraged is not a skillful response.  Anger can make us feel powerful.  And while it may occasionally get us what we want, as a long term strategy for dealing with frustration it isn’t effective.   Anger is destructive to ourselves and others. 

      The Buddha said, “we will NOT BE punished FOR our anger but BY our anger.” 

      If we use lashing out, avenging, or swearing as a response in stressful times, we strengthen the habit.  As the habit strengthens, our tolerance weakens, and it will take less and less to upset us.  Then the time and space in which to process and decide how to act will drastically decrease.  And so this spiral will tighten. 

      A mindful attitude can reduce the duration and level of our anger.  Begin by:

·       Noticing you are feeling a strong emotion and acknowledge it as anger – “I am feeling angry”

·         Identify the bodily sensations accompanying anger:  rapid heart rate and breathing, flushed face, tight stomach and fists, sweating palms etc.

·         Pay attention to the kind of thoughts you are having (it’s others fault, “always” statements, “I know you think”…etc).  Such thoughts fuel our anger.

·         Accept your anger; this will help you manage it.

·         Try and separate from the emotion and the situation.  Create distance between yourself and the thoughts and the people you are upset with.   

·         Breathe deeply into your belly and count to ten to create distance between your thoughts and emotions 

·         Imagine yourself getting calmer; see the anger dissolving. 

      Reigning in the anger habit is difficult.  It will take time, so be patient with yourself.  Know that you will forget and react in a habitual way.   Practise self-forgiveness.  And remember constant practice will bring about the desired change. 

     May you be free from anger’s destruction.

Replace Worry with these Two Meditations

     A couple of weeks ago my cousin’s leg had to be amputated.  She had just turned 42.  Thinking she was being admitted to have her toe removed, she was told her foot will have to be taken off instead.  After that operation, she learned her leg had to be amputated. With my cousin in South Africa, and me in the U.S., I found worrying about her didn’t help.  All it did, was leave me exhausted from lying awake imagining her fear and worry.

     Worrying contrary to belief doesn’t prevent our worst imaginings from occurring or from some tragedy worsening.  It does, however, increase our anxiety.  We may be accustomed to worrying but may not know its definition:  worrying is being deeply concerned about a problem or a situation where our thoughts are looping around “what’s going to happen?”  These kinds of thoughts increase anxiety.

     Stress causes us to become anxious, and in small doses is considered normal even a healthy response.  But worrying too much causes us to overreact to stress or any uncertainty, and that is detrimental to our overall health.  We lose sleep, appetite, the ability to enjoy what happening in our lives, and the ability to be present.  

    I decided to redirect my energies to more beneficial practices instead.  I chose to do two kinds of meditation for my cousin.  These are compassion and loving kindness meditations.   As our country and the world is in turmoil now,  we can choose to do these meditations for all the people who are suffering fear, worry, sadness, anger, and disappointment in this uncertain time, as well. 

     Both these meditations can be challenging.  They could bring up our own feelings of fear, anger and resistance.  It is important to do ONLY what you are able to do.  Go slowly.  If you encounter a mental or emotional block to doing these practices for someone else, then make yourself the object of the meditation.  Extend kindness and compassion towards yourself and consider all the people who may also feel as you do.   Be gentle and mindful as you undertake these practices.

Loving Kindness Meditation:  (Mentally repeating good wishes for someone). 

·         Sit in in meditation to calm your mind for a few minutes.

·         Bring to mind someone or something you care for deeply.  Feel a warmth or tenderness arise in your being. 

·         Then imagine the person or situation you’d like to extend loving kindness to.

·         Strengthen the feeling of love, warmth, tenderness by repeating 2 or 3 phrases.  For e.g. “May _______ be free from pain”, “May ______ enjoy peace and support”, “May ______feel strong and healthy”.  

·         We can also extend such heartfelt wishes to our fellow countrymen (and women) who are struggling with anxiety and fear.   “May our country be at peace”, “May all people be free from fear and worry”, “May we practice tolerance and kindness for each other”

·         Do this for about 5-10 minutes at the end of a sitting meditation practice. 

Tonglen: (Taking and Sending Meditation)

    This compassion meditation strongly awakens our ability to feel and take on the suffering and pain of others.  It challenges our tendency to reactively avoid the unpleasant and only grasp the pleasant.  The practice is to breathe in the suffering of another person, and send out relief and benefit to the person on an exhalation. 

    Do this meditation for the ill, a person in pain, and someone who is dying or dead. You can do it for yourself when you are in pain.  Tonglen can be done in sitting practice or on the spot anywhere anytime. 

·         Sit in meditation for a few minutes to calm and clear the mind.

·          Then visualize the person or situation.  Imagine that person’s fear and pain as heavy, dark and hot. 

·         Breathe in that heavy dark heat – and breathe out light, peaceful, airy coolness.  Feel the texture of your inhalation and exhalation.

·         Visualise the fear, sadness, anger coming in through your pores and emanate beneficial positive energy through your pores and nostrils. 

·         After your inhalation and exhalation are in rhythm with your visualization, expand your wish to relieve the suffering of all people who may share this pain. 

·         Take in the pain of all the people and send all of them relief.

·         Do this for about 7-10minutes. 

·         Sit in calm abiding meditation for a few minutes to clear your heart mind.

   Practise these techniques anytime you feel especially rigid in your thoughts, feelings or when worry is beginning to set in.  Doing these practices empowers us to be a comfort and strength to the people and situations that need us. 

   

May we be calm and centered to help those in need.

Seasons Greetings

May you be filled with peace

May you experience joy

May you have a loved-filled holiday season 

And all the very best for 2017!

The Present of Kindness

     I wish I had told my mother that she had been kind instead of telling her we’d never practiced kindness in our family.  She died over 2 years ago.  Now I see that she had, in fact, been incredibly kind.

     Recently I bought an Instapot.  I could never, ever have imagined myself using a pressure cooker.  They've always terrified me.  A few minutes ago, I walked away from trying to write an article to check on the pot.   I was amazed at how blithely I flicked the dial to one side to vent it before opening the lid (my ease arises from knowing the pot has 10 built-in safety features).

     The sound of the escaping pressure brought my mother to mind.  She had cooked countless of my childhood meals in a pressure pot.  The nerve-rattling shrieks and whistles of the old fashioned pressure pots, which she used on a regular coal stove burning anthracite coal (not easy to do), forms the background sound of my mother’s cooking and our home life.  As I reflect now, I see her kindness was as unconventional and delicious as her cooking.   

     Love for her was not in hugging and kissing her children. Kindness wasn’t in telling us nice things about ourselves, or for that matter even being encouraging when she disagreed with us.  Kindness for her was in toughening up her daughters, and placing a dish on the dinner table, perhaps a few days or weeks later, which you, in passing, had said you craved. 

     We don’t often reflect on the kindness of others in our lives.  The sad thing is:  if our ideas of people and things are too rigid, then we won't clearly see all of them.  Human beings are able to hear many octaves of sound, but are only able to see one octave of light called visible/rainbow light.   This means we don’t see infrared, ultraviolet, or microwave light and so on. They exist but we are blind to them. 

     If our view or idea of kindness is limited, then we will fail to see when others are being kind to us.  Kindness comes in many forms.  It can be someone bringing in the mail, returning the trashcans to the side yard, picking up a loaf of bread from the grocery store, bringing you the towel you forgot, turning on the front light when you come home, and the list goes on. 

     The kindness of others surrounds us, but we have to train ourselves to see its wider spectrum.  Things within your reach right now are there because of the kindness of someone in this world.  They may be on the other side of the planet or in your neighbourhood, but somebody made the chair you are sitting on, built the device you are reading this article on, the plate you are eating off, harvested the vegetable you are cooking, built the telephone you are speaking on and the house you are sheltering in, and sewed the clothes you are wearing.  These people may have been paid to do a job, but they also contributed their energy, creativity, and passion to eventually help you live a more easeful happy life.  This is kindness. 

     So this holiday season, when things aren't going as we'd like, or we are invariably presented with gifts we won’t use or don’t like, we can instead focus on the kindness of the grandmother, aunt or friend who prepared the holiday get-together, or took the time to shop, wrap, and share something that they thought will bring us joy.  Our forebearance could be the gift of kindness we can  present to them.

     May you have a peaceful and grateful holiday season.  

Crying and Crowing with Wisdom

Snow on Flowers

     The election results shocked many of us.  For the people who got the results they desired they are crowing while those who didn’t are crying.  Our world is filled with joy and pain.

     Change is never easy.  Its arrival awakens suffering in us especially when the change we want doesn’t materialize, and the change we don’t wants arrives anyway.  Such suffering is the human condition. 

Beautiful Together

     What matters now is deciding how we can contribute to creating a positive energy that avoids putting each other into “us” and “them” camps.  The campaigns set out to put us asunder; they highlighted our seeming differences and alien statuses.
     Moving beyond such arbitrary and illusory difference is especially important now, so that we can repair and heal the hurt we are all feeling.  At this crossroads of change, each and every one of us can be a pivotal force for positive change.

     To lessen the aggression and hate, we need to bring our attention back to ourselves and check in there first.  How much aggression is in our thoughts, speech and action? How much are we contributing to the poison percolating throughout society and the media?   As we can only control ourselves, this is our place of personal power. 

     The task before us is to be with our pain and act in ways that will bridge the divide by being generous, calm, open minded, and especially skillful in our interactions with ourselves and others.  When interacting with particularly those people we believe to be different, we can choose to truly listen, put aside our views, not assume their motive, and remain hopeful. 

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     If we choose civility in our everyday interactions then we’ll be acting a core principle of citizenry.  Treating each other with respect, in the way we’d like to be treated is the basis for civilized society.  After all, no one, not one single being wants to suffer; all strive for happiness, just as we do.

    We are powerful.  Something as little as a smile can bring change.  If each of us practices a little bit of tolerance, understanding and patience, together we’ll create nationwide and ultimately worldwide change.  We live in one country, on one planet.  

     Whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, all beings are connected to each other through the environment, politics, biology, and spirit.  It is in our own interest and the greater good that we make the effort to reach out to each other in this difficult time.

     The difference between a world filled with hate, divisiveness, anger and hatred, and one filled with hope, open mindedness, kindness and peace lies with each and every one of us.

    May you be filled with peace.

Why Concentration is So Important

     Many people are put off by the thought of meditating.  They can’t imagine sitting still and being with themselves for any length of time. 

    It’s not easy or always pleasant spending time in the company of one’s own mind. It takes courage and a willingness to observe our habits, thoughts, emotions, and tendencies.   

    However, the value of getting to know your mind outweighs this initial discomfort.  The benefits of meditation are splayed all over the internet so I won’t go into it here.  But learning to concentrate the mind is a supreme skill with effects that spread far beyond the meditation cushion. 

     A life-changing reason for learning and committing to a concentration-building practice is that it will help with being more focused and present in life.  Students in my meditation classes almost always cite distractibility and the inability to be in the present moment, which causes them stress and anxiety, as the main reason for coming to a meditation class. 

     There are many kinds of meditations with many purposes.  The concentration or attention building techniques used particularly in mindfulness meditation is an important one to learn. 

     Here’s why.

     Our experience of life is created by and through our mind.  So if all of our life experiences – pleasant, unpleasant or neutral -- is a product of our minds, projected through our minds, and is interpreted by our minds, then it makes sense to get to intimately know the consciousness that is responsible for all we undergo in our lives.

    We all know how stressed and anxious we feel when we are at the mercy of our mind as it flits from one thing to the next.  We are trying to work on a report and our mind switches to worrying about next week’s meeting, or to what’s for dinner, or to wondering if we turned off the stove, or to recalling a dream. It’s exhausting!

    Therefore the skill or ability to willfully direct and keep our minds on a chosen object is crucial in being mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. 

    Meditation trains the mind to be concentrated and pliable to our will.  We train in controlling it rather than it controlling us.  We know our minds are tamer or are tamed when we direct it to a subject and it’s able to remain on it.

    To do that we need to learn how to relax first.  Too much effort can stir up the mind.  It’s a fine balance between trying but not struggling. 
    So we sit calmly with the intention that we’ll simply observe what the mind does.  We give it a job of being aware of the breath and then notice when it leaves the breath to worry or fantasize about something else. 

    Remaining observant and not getting disappointed or upset when the mind wanders is especially important.  The task is to simply and gently bring it back to the breath when it wanders away.  The repetition of this process, done with curious interest into the antics of your mind, will over time make it more pliable to your will. 

    When the mind becomes calmer or concentrated, we are able to see more clearly.  This may illustrate the point.  If the waters of a pond are stirred up (as our minds usually are), we won’t be able to clearly see the bottom or the plant and fish life in it.  But if the waters are calm, then we can see to the bottom and also see the clarity of the water.  In the same way, when our minds are calmer and clearer through concentration practice, we are more acutely able to observe ourselves, others, and life experiences. 

    Then we can see the effect of our thoughts, speech and actions on ourselves and those around us.  For most of us currently, much of our mind’s working is hidden from us, and we mindlessly follow our thoughts.

    Starting with just five minutes a day, we can begin to make friends with this most important part of ourselves that is running our lives.  Grab the opportunity to familiarize yourself with your mind.  You’ll experience benefits beyond your wildest imagination.

     May you grow your concentration and get to know your mind today.

Key Ingredient to Maintaining Healthy Habits

At the beginning of my meditation courses, I ask students to briefly say why they’ve signed up for a class in mindfulness.  Their reasons are compelling and heartfelt.  They want to be more attentive and present, less distracted and less reactive, be more kind to themselves and others, to worry less, and be more at peace. 

All these wonderful reasons motivate them to attend class, and to practice the meditations while we are together.  Often though, many students will not keep up their meditation practice when they are on their own, or they will maintain it for a little while and then it will fall away. 

As a teacher this has concerned me because I’m invested in them succeeding, and it also makes me curious. 

Why do we abandon beneficial practices and habits? 

Lack of time, expectations weren’t immediately met, changes to schedule,  the practice isn’t stimulating etc. are often reasons for putting aside what we’d like to do for ourselves. Every new practice, regimen, diet, or habit, even those we’ve done in the past, require renewed effort from us to establish it. 

The main reason people abandon their efforts is because they lose motivation and feel deflated.  To counter these reasons we have to know what our attitude is to the practice, and have more compelling reasons for continuing it. 

These questions will help in discovering our intrinsic motivation for and attitude to the practice.  They can be applied to meditation, or any positive habit you are starting like abandoning an unhelpful habit, being healthy, being generous, helping others when we don’t feel like it, being patient and so on.

·         why am I adopting this habit, exercise?

·         what will the effects be if I don’t do it?

·         what am I willing to do, give up, curtail to ensure that I keep this priority?

The last question is the most important one in discovering our attitude. 

Recently I began doing step aerobics again --- at home!  For years I did step aerobics in gyms in South Africa and in the U.S, and then somewhere along the line, my exercise regimen switched to walking only. 

My main reasons for taking up this habit again is I need to lose some mid-life weight gain, and get aerobically fit again.  If I don’t do this, I will have to get a whole new wardrobe (my clothes are dreadfully uncomfortable now), and I’ll likely begin developing health problems.  Basically I’m not willing to be uncomfortable and get sick!

My attitude is that this is something within my control, so I’m going to give it my best effort.  And because I know it is going to benefit me, I am happy doing it.   Now three mornings a week, you’ll find me bouncing up and down my step board to loud music. 

This next point is really important. 

I usually meditate in the mornings.  To add exercise to my morning schedule  (research shows its best to do it early in the morning as the body will keep burning fat all day),  I’ll have to adjust my routine to fit in this new activity.  So three days a week, I get up about 30 minutes earlier to do aerobics and then sit for meditation.

The decision, and more importantly, the willingness to shift our schedules even slightly to accommodate a new activity is vital to our success.  If we know why we are doing it, and what we are willing to give up to keep doing it then half the battle is already won.

This joyful attitude (even if it doesn’t feel particularly joyous) reflects our priority and will help us decide how to set up our day.  We can cut out a half hour of television or internet surfing to go to bed earlier, wake up ten minutes earlier and so on.  Creating space to welcome the new activity is paramount.

If we don’t shift something to make room for the new activity, we’ll spend time each day debating when or if to do it.  This inner conflict can exhaust us, which will leave us with little drive or energy to do the practice.

The other trick is to do the new habit in the same time slot.  Once it is calendared in like any other important appointment, the mind will begin to associate that time with that activity.  And of course, there’ll be days when you aren’t inspired to do it, but fueled by your intrinsic motivation you will be diligent.

In a meditation practice the attitude of one’s body and mind is vitally important-- mind and body are alert, and relaxed.  Relaxed means an openness and willingness to be joyfully interested in whatever arises, and especially to be able to laugh and persevere when things get tough.  Over time and with consistent practice, we’ll actually begin to look forward to meditation and will begin enjoying it.

It begins with the mindset of joyfully making space for new habits in our life. 

May you happily welcome healthy change into your life.

Threads of Patience

      Our lives are composed of myriad experiences woven into a tapestry that we can look back on with pleasure or wince at in dismay. 

      The threads used in the construction of our life’s tapestry can add lustre and invite a touch, and a softening in the heart of an observer.  Or it can be woven from floss that’s raw, knotted, and frayed, which can irritate and chaff, and awaken sadness instead. 

      How we approach our life experiences will determine the quality of the thread that’s loomed into our life’s portrait. 

       The other day I spoke with a high school friend.  He’s been working in the same job almost 30 years and is planning on retiring from it.  Laughingly he said to me, “I know this isn’t the best way to live because I’m living now just for my retirement”.

      I felt sad as I listened to him because it was obvious to both of us that he knew he was putting his life on hold for a dream.   

      Recently two people quite close to me told me of unexpected mishaps that have befallen them.  The ceiling on the home of my 72 year old friend caved in.  It’s destroyed all her belongings and everything has been contaminated with asbestos and mold.  So everything is condemned and has be thrown out.   Another 82 year old friend who is preparing for knee replacement surgery just discovered the water supply to her home is running dry, and she has to pay thousands of dollars to have a new well dug on her property.

     Consciously or unconsciously most of us believe we’ll live a problem free life when we are older.  With that false idea in mind, we think it is fine to simply blast through life’s current irritations because one day it will all be smooth sailing.

     But skill later on in life requires training throughout life.

     When I was a child, my bad temper got me into lots of scrapes at school and home.  My mother would constantly caution me about the suffering I was creating for myself because of my uncontrolled behavior.  I hated hearing her advice then, but I see the wisdom of it now.  I was honing the habit of being angry and impatient.  And she was saying don’t wait until you are older to develop patience, start training now.

     Our entire lifetime is a training ground for cultivating wise thought, speech and action.  It is unwise to think that patience, tolerance and forbearance can be developed overnight later in life. That belief causes us to disregard the opportunities to practice being patient every moment.

     Many things try our tolerance from radio broadcasts to witnessing some incident on the street.    The supreme skill of patience will help us in such rough times because instead of becoming inflamed we can practise restraint, which lessens our own and others' suffering. 

     To defuse impatience and irritation, we should actively remind ourselves that the challenge we are currently facing is an opportunity to develop a helpful skill.  It’s not always easy to remember this.  So it's a good idea to start with the little irritations.  For example, when I’m washing dishes, and putting cutlery into the dish rack, and if a spoon falls out, I get irritated.  Because I know this is a trial for me, I sometimes even laugh at my irritation when a fork or spoon falls out of the holder.

      It’s important to notice in advance what triggers our impatience.  Once you are angry it’s very difficult to halt the spiral.  So being mindful even in hindsight, and reflecting on episodes of impatience is very helpful in developing a calmer state of mind. 

      The other thing to do is remind yourself that no situation lasts forever.  No matter how frustrating and annoying someone or something is it will end.  Practicing restraint and stoicism in the midst of it is trains the mind, lessens your own and others' suffering, and defuses a volatile situation.  People remember us for how we are when things are falling apart.

      I’m struck by the acceptance of both my friends who are enduring challenges at this stage of life.  Their calm comes from years of training in tolerance.  They exemplify grace under fire. The threads in their life tapestries will glisten with smoothness, silkiness and softness. 

     May your life tapestry be loomed with threads of patience. 

Managing Anger: The Discipline Approach

          The word discipline may be vile to some.  To them it means following externally-derived and enforced rules and being punished for disobeying those rules.  But a more powerful kind of discipline is self-discipline also called self-control, which effectively motivates or restrains one’s actions, speech and thought to benefit oneself and others.     

     We’ve all had some experience with inner discipline:  we get up for our morning jog or walk, sit in meditation, complete a project, hold our tongues, or take a rest

even when we’d rather not do so.   Recently we’ve been exposed to “politicians” in our media who haven’t displayed much self-restraint in speech.  Despite the shocking success they may be enjoying, it is far wiser to practice willpower in not rashly speaking and acting, as it is a better determiner of future happiness.

     Our strongest ally in maintaining self-discipline is mindfulness.  Noticing which of our behaviors, thoughts and attitudes serve us well and which ones fail us, will guide us to making beneficial choices in situations and with people.  More importantly, even if more distressingly, when we recognize the result (arguments, hurt feelings, sadness, betrayal) of our thoughts, actions, and, speech it will starkly reveal the ways we create or contribute to our own suffering. 

     The other day a neighbor’s son-in-law screamed vile abuse at me because I asked his daughter to please not walk on the gravel and to be careful with my two day old plants.  He ranted and raved repeatedly bellowing out “how are we harming the rocks?”  Despite my shock, I saw how his selective hearing had hobbled him.  It had blocked out my request to be careful with the plants and left only the part he chose to hear -- that I was saying she was harming the gravel.  He'd grasped onto that flimsy absurd reason so he could vent.  Long after I’d gone back into the house, I could hear him still swearing me.

     Most of us begin to practice self-restraint when we notice some unhealthy or unhelpful habit we’ve developed.  Initially we do it for ourselves.  With practice, wise thought, speech and action improves our interpersonal relationships too.  The most powerful effect of self-discipline is the lessening of our habitual reactivity.   

     The man next door is in the habit of being angry.  His disproportionate rapid-fire rage told me this was well honed habit.   This habit robs him of the discipline and emotional intelligence to establish meaningful happy relationships.  

     The saddest part of this unfortunate scenario is that he is so accustomed to having an upset mind, which unsettles his emotions and body, which further disturbs his mind, that he is oblivious to it.  Years of unrestrained boldly-displayed anger has imprisoned him in his own volatility. 

     Being angry is a particularly unpleasant experience: tight, hot, and with the urge to lash out.  I have been working on curbing my short fuse.  Years of mindfully monitoring the physical symptoms of bourgeoning anger, knowing the situations that trigger it, and understanding the disadvantage it creates for me and others have definitely lessened this tendency.  Anger like overeating, worrying, hating etc. is just a habit.  And the way to free ourselves from such reactivity is self-control or discipline.

     Honest examination of ourselves after we lose our temper is especially helpful in compassionately understanding our bad habits.  This too requires discipline.  We’ll find that we become perturbed when we are wishing for things to be different than what they are.  Sometimes one may be justified in speaking out (like in the case with my neighbor’s in law) but that doesn’t mean it’s always helpful.   

     It is wiser and more helpful to invest energy in keeping an open heart and mind especially when the instinct is to harden. We can extend inner discipline to include recognizing when:

·         we by gossip, lie, or speak harshly we are harming ourselves and others

·         we are being distrustful and suspicious to offer tolerance instead.

     Discipline as a daily practice requires we weigh the value in thinking, speaking and acting with kindness and generosity of spirit.  Such an approach will curb our negative habits and yield greater happiness for yourself and those around you. 

     May your heart and mind be filled with loving self-control

The Art of Giving

     While cleaning out my wardrobe the other day, I was contemplating what it means to be generous.

The growing pile of clothes I hadn’t used for some time, and of clothes whose existence I’d forgotten about was a reminder of how much I was going to actually donate to local charity shops.  As huge as the pile was, did that mean I was equally generous?

     It was not lost on me as I sorted through the clothing and shoes, that I was giving away only those things that I no longer wanted, wore, felt attractive in and found valuable. Would I so easily have discarded or donated the shoes and clothes that I still wanted and valued?

     Is it generosity to give away only what we no longer want or need? 

     Our reason for donating is influenced by many factors:  we want to clean out the space, downsize or pare down our possessions, and give to worthy causes, but the waters of our motivation can get murky because we, in the U.S., also receive a tax deduction for our charitable donations.   

      So what does it mean to be truly generous? 

      I heard a story of a man who was helping to serve food to San Francisco’s homeless one cold Sunday morning.  The indigent man he was handing food to said to him that his jacket looked warm.  The man immediately put down the plate, removed his jacket, and handed it to the homeless man.  This is heart-warming, tear-jerking generosity. 

     True generosity means giving what is helpful, beneficial, or good without hope of return.  Clearly then a selfish motive such as clearing out an overfull wardrobe, or wanting to feel less burdened by possessions isn’t altruism.

      We don’t have to give away what we still need and use to demonstrate our charitable nature. But if we do give away a prized object simply to win somebody over, gain fame or power over another, well then, you can see this wouldn't be generosity either.    
    One’s motivation has to be crystal clear.  The more attached we are to an object and outcome the less freedom there is in our giving.  Whether consciously or unconsciously we cling like crazy glue to our possessions.  Typically only when we deem them no longer of use to us do we loosen our grip.  Such 'stickiness' in relationships with our things, friends and family is how we become burdened by all we own.
     Even if we don't think of our friends and family as possessions, they are in our minds "our family" and "our friends".  A friend from my teen years used to get very upset whenever "her friends" befriended other people.  Such possessiveness often marks much of our 'ownership'.
     A lack of generosity can also manifest as attachment to ourselves over others.  This is not mere selfishness but is evidenced especially in stealing.  Theft is motivated by greed/desire that implicitly declares the thief's want/need/desire for the item is greater than that of the owners.  Interestingly the way to combat the tendency to steal is to practise generosity.  Giving instead of taking.  The action of giving unwinds our grip on all that we think we own and helps us better adjust to life's temporariness.  Then when things leave either by donation, theft or death we are well practised in dealing with their absence in our lives.
     This may sound far fetched but its common sense is indisputable.  As an energy healer who works with crystals, one of the first things I learnt about crystals  is how to view their 'leaving'.  So if a crystal gets lost or stolen or say your amethyst bracelet disappears off your wrist, then we are to view that departure as the crystal having served its purpose in your life and was moving on to benefit the person in whose possession it currently was in.  Even if you don't subscribe to this metaphysical notion, at the very least it is training one to be free and to practise sharing and giving.
     So here’s a simple formula for practicing true generosity:  give another what will benefit him/her + expect nothing in return = you will be freer and happier.

     Fortunately generosity isn’t only limited to the donation of material objects.  If this were true, then most of the world’s impoverished who are practically possessionless would not be able to practice generosity.  The fact is everyone can be generous in non-material ways.

     Generosity is taking time to listen and be with a friend who needs love and understanding. Giving another the benefit of the doubt or cutting them slack when they’ve upset us, and we’d like to tell them off but don’t is being charitable. And wise too.
     If we share the practices that have helped us lessen the pain, stress and anxiety in our lives then we are being generous.

     Our acts of charity don’t have to be huge.  Letting go of even the smallest possession, or spending the briefest moments with another is giving from the heart.  This kind of generosity brings light into your and others' lives.

     May you experience the freedom in giving.