Change is Going to Come...

Change.  Its challenge lies in our response to it and is not something inherent to change itself.  The only way to make change manageable is by relating to it differently.

     A couple of months ago, Stephen was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes (I suspect triggered by the flu shot he got late last year).  We were completely shocked by the diagnosis because he’s thin, fit, a healthful eater, has no family history, and is over age 40, so he had none of the predictors for any type of diabetes.  The first few days were swallowed up by urgent care and emergency room visits, so there wasn’t time to sit down and process it all. 

     Since then it’s occurred to me that this condition forces consciousness. Granted I’m not the one enduring the changes to schedule and the disruption to my lifestyle, but as our thoughts create our reality, what if we adopt the perspective that this diagnosis is empowering? 

     Here’s what I mean: every moment since before birth our organs and systems have been working tirelessly carrying out vital life functions. Most of these functions go unnoticed by us until there’s some malfunction.  Developing a chronic condition like diabetes requires that someone or Stephen, in this case, now has, for all intents and purposes, to function as his pancreas.

     From a mindfulness perspective this is an awakening.  Not just in the sense of realizing life’s impermanence, but also because it requires a more engaged and conscious approach to living life.  For instance: whereas in the past, he might have been able to eat a slice of pizza and not wonder how his body was digesting it, now he has to, in advance, be aware of what it takes for the body to process a slice of pizza.   

     It’s almost as if his world’s turned inside out.  Now every time he eats carbohydrates, he has to manually give himself the insulin that his pancreas would have automatically squirted out to maintain homeostasis. For those of us who don’t have diabetes, our pancreas continually produces the right amount of insulin to allow our cells to use the sugar in our blood. So whether we eat mindfully or indiscriminately, we aren’t reminded – except perhaps with minor discomfort – of the ramification of our actions.  We can continue mindless of the effort exerted by the body to maintain balance.

     For Stephen, I see how he has to factor into his mind and day all that he’s doing, eating and undergoing.  Every bit of exercise he does, food he eats, drink he imbibes, stress he undergoes, sleep he loses, he can now read the effect in his blood glucose reading.  Where my mind may peripherally or wholly miss what’s going on in and around me, Stephen’s suddenly been given the power to see the influence of his life choices on his body and mind.  This is empowering because it helps with making mindful choices.

     Please don’t misunderstand me –I’m not romanticizing the diabetic condition.  It must surely be daunting to anticipate a lifetime of pricking one’s fingers at least three times a day, finding non-scarred fingertips for blood draws, figuring out meals and insulin dosages, searching for new injection sites on the body, and always having snacks and glucose boosters on hand. 

     In our short experience with dealing with diabetes, it seems to me it provides the opportunity to see the direct effect of our actions on ourselves.  The upshot of this is that we can use difficult situations such as learning we have a chronic condition, or other admittedly destabilizing episodes like divorces and deaths, as a reminder to keep an open mind. 

     Whether we learn from a painful situation or not reveals much about ourselves. Trauma and difficulty make us stronger.  They also show us where we are stuck in our reactivity, habits and mindset.  One component of acceptance is dealing with the physical demands of life changing episodes and another is facing and working with its emotional toll. It is important to address all aspects of such change. 

     As change is a normal part of living, we can train ourselves to pay attention to whether we embrace, reject or ignore the changes that arise in our life.  Then we can practise developing a new relationship to those things that we find difficult. 

     The best way to form a new perspective on a sticky issue is to develop interest and curiosity about it. Trying to look at what’s occurring with detachment, fosters the ability to let go and to recognize what’s within our control and not in our control.  When you are able to do this, you begin to expand your knowledge about life and yourself.

     May you be open to life’s constant change. 

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

If you've been struggling with:

                       being present in the moment, and/or

                       find yourself reacting in the same manner over and over again,

and you'd like to learn about or change these habits, then you may be interested in this class...

Mindfulness: Practices to Grow Self Knowledge.  

Beginning - April 19 at 9h15

Go to the Cambell Adult Community Education to sign up for this class (7026)  http://www.cace.cuhsd.org/domain/29

If you are interested in learning more about Mindfulness, click 

http://www.acceptancehealing.com/p/mindfulness-and-acceptance-workshops.html

Don't miss out on this opportunity to expand your awareness and learn more about yourself.  

Class is filling up quickly, register early.  

In a Plastic World...

In that moment, I laughed as I understood that even this irritating plastic 

was being a teacher to me.

 We recently had the interior of our home painted.  The painters came in and covered everything in plastic.  They used two types of plastic – a soft clingy type which they taped up over cabinets, refrigerator, microwave, and another thicker type for the floors. With all the texturing, repairing, masking and painting required, the whole job took about five days to complete.  And the plastic covering remained most of that time. 

By the second day, I noticed I was restless.  I tried taking refuge in the bedroom to work but that wasn't possible; sitting on the plastic covered sofa was unpleasant because I kept slipping down the seat.  My regular meditation spot was crowded with ladders, buckets and hard curling chunks of quick set – all haphazardly piled on the ubiquitous plastic.  A partial explanation for my discomfort was having my routine disrupted by the workmen, but something else was making me fidgety, and I wondered what it was.

Certainly all my usual places – spaces of solitude – were taken from me. On a normal day, the house is quiet, except for the regular drone of the refrigerator or the sounds of the house settling.  Of course, there are days when the house is drowned in music so loud that the whole neighborhood gets to listen in. But this felt like something more was going on. Then I got it.

It occurred to me that the swishing sound of the plastic as it blew in the breeze coming in through the open windows, and the crinkling of it underfoot was strangely unsettling to me.  This constant sound – like wind in the grass or, more sinister, a soft hissing  - was making me anxious and alert.

But the biggest realization was seeing the things that normally signify our living in a space:  tables, chairs, beds, counters, cupboards – draped in plastic made me aware of life’s temporariness.  Our home where we live, entertain, laugh, and cry was being suffocated under mounds of plastic wrap.  In this special space, wherein I create and perpetuate my various identities, its and my impermanence was being spotlighted.  In that moment, I laughed as I understood that even this irritating plastic was being a teacher to me.     

As somebody who teaches mindfulness, I had to remind myself to work with all that was occurring in my environment without wishing for anything to be different.  Being aware of the impact of environmental factors on me, I could then recognize the condition that all human beings struggle against change, and I was made uncomfortably aware of life’s mutability.   

We grow our wisdom when we learn to work with every situation life presents us.  This doesn’t mean we try to change how we approach situations, but rather that we pay attention to how we habitually react to both good and bad situations.  Once our awareness of our own reactions is honed, then we begin to gain insight into our nature and the nature of life.  All that’s required and requested us of is to be present and aware.

May you be present and aware today.  

Prioritizing for Success and Purpose

       We discover what’s most important to us and in life through experiences we are prepared for and those that broadside us.

       One Thanksgiving Day we were returning home from visiting family.  As we crested a long hill, we laughed aloud at a funny incident taking place in the audio book we were listening to.  Suddenly the narrator’s voice disappeared.  I reached out to turn up the volume.  Then the dash board lights began fading out.  This was quickly followed by the engine’s loss of power.  “Oh, the alternator’s died,” my fellow passenger exclaimed.  Fortunately, the car could roll down the hill to the freeway emergency box.  Knowing we were fine, my mind could then comfortably replay the fascinating scene that had just unfolded.  It occurred to me everything that was peripheral to the running of the car – like entertainment and lights, was immediately sacrificed to ensure that what little life the battery held, be reserved to keep the engine turning over.

      In a similar vein, I was speaking to my mother the other day and she sounded out of breath and exhausted.  She mentioned that she was very tired and had no appetite, which was making her listless. My mother is in need of heart surgery, which she chooses not to undergo, so her symptoms of exhaustion, short breath and no appetite make sense.  Her heart and lungs are working tirelessly to provide her body with oxygen and her body is prioritizing breathing over digesting food.  Here again was another lesson in putting what’s most important first.

      Life is constantly striving to wake us up out of complacency. And both these incidents are stark reminders of what’s important in life.  So do we know what is priority for us?  Are we conscious enough to recognize when our energies are being depleted in unfruitful pursuits?  Do we see that our hearts, minds and bodies are working day in and day out to keep us alive?  Do we wonder about the reason for this continual effort?

      Each moment, if we are paying attention, is a gentle reminder of life’s fleeting nature.  To approach every moment as a new beginning provides us the opportunity to grow wise about our true selves and purpose, and the nature of life – that all things are impermanent. We can reflect on life’s brevity without morbidity, but with gratitude and gusto to grab it fully.  To live each moment as if it were the only one available is to live a priority driven life. 

     Learning to prioritize has a daily practical component and a spiritual heartfelt one, too.

    On a day to day, fulfilling obligations level, we need to determine what is most important and needing our immediate attention.  Knowing how to practically tackle a list of ‘to dos’, however is still difficult for many. 

So here’s how you prioritize tasks on a daily, weekly or monthly basis:  

1.      Make a list of all that you need to do in a day, week or month. Being able to see it written down will help you see the full scope of the tasks ahead.

2.      Then determine which tasks are priority.  Know the difference between important and urgent: important is it needs to get done, urgent is something that needs to get done right away.

3.      If you have many tasks of equal importance, begin with the one that’s simplest or easiest, as this will help motivate and inspire you to tackle the tougher tasks.

4.      Remember to break up important and urgent tasks with things you enjoy doing.  This will help keep you motivated and energized to get all the work done.

     The other component of living a priority-driven life is knowing what’s most meaningful and heartfelt to you.  Being authentic and true to yourself, knowing what you value, and living the kind of life most expressive of those values, is how you begin to live a purposeful life.  There are several ways to do this but this is the approach I’ve taken, which I hope will help you too.  Here’s how you do it:

Prioritizing to Live a Meaningful and Purposeful Life:

1.      Requires you to slow down.  Take time to sit still and pay attention to what’s occurring in your life.

2.      Reflect on what’s happening for you in your mind, body, emotions and in daily life.  Journalize your experiences – begin with the most intense or vibrant experiences.

3.      Be willing to honestly acknowledge and express what is most meaningful to you; this can be challenging especially when those closest to us have different opinions and aspirations for us.    

4.      Pay attention every time you honor and sacrifice your values and goals.  Journal about these experiences.  Reading these externalized experiences will serve as a reminder, for the next time, of what’s important to you.

5.      Over time your priorities will shape your thoughts, actions, and life decisions; then you are living your purpose.

      Keeping on top of things – being mindful and aware -- is admittedly demanding.  Try to practise tolerance and kindness for yourself when you forget to honour what’s most important for you.   Being kind is also acceptance of our basic nature and this is as much a priority in life as any other we set for ourselves.

   May you be filled with wisdom.

Creating Breathing Room

For those of us who missed the chance to make changes in the New Year, all’s not lost.  The Chinese New Year (Year of the Wood Horse) begins 31 January.  This presents the perfect opportunity to start clearing our space – both internally and externally.

Clearing out outer and inner space is vital for the promotion of balance and well being.  Cluttered rooms full of unused and unwanted things only cause energy to stagnate.  If rooms are too full they impede the free flow of energy in and around the room. Over time that blocked energy can affect the people using that room.  Feng Shui (the art of understanding the flow of Chi’ or energy) considers the rise and fall, and stagnation or flowing energy in one’s environment.  Blocked energy creates disharmony and imbalance.  A healthy energy flow creates harmony in our environment and also within us. 

A cluttered mind and body, stagnant with unhelpful attitudes and beliefs is also unhealthy.  When body energies are blocked or congested, then physical, mental and emotional issues arise.  Feelings of sluggishness, depression, anxiety, and problems with weight, body aches, digestion begin to manifest as the result of impeded energy flow in the mind and body.  

To usher in the New Year (both Western and Chinese) with a clean living environment and with a lighter healthier body and mind, here’s how to begin:

Heads Up

Decluttering your living quarters can be challenging as can changing one’s eating and sedentary habits, and one’s beliefs and attitude.  The process of creating space, free flowing movement in our homes and office and in our minds and bodies, require some checking in with ourselves, and also a touch of non sentimentality.

Tackling Your Living Environment

Which one amongst us hasn’t threatened to clean out the garage or closet and years later the job still needs doing?  So if you’ve been meaning to clean out your cupboards and office space, now is the time to do it.  Begin in one room. 

Throw out those items that you’ve yet to find a use for or grow into again.  Chances are if you haven’t sold, reused or reinvented that ‘handy’ item by now, then you aren’t likely to do so in the future.  So get rid of it.  Pay attention to your feelings, thoughts and reactions as you come across items whose existence you’d forgotten. If you find it wrenching to part with, then remind yourself that someone else could use it.  The other upside is you could get a tax deduction for donating your unused things.     

Taking on Mind and Body

Cleaning out our mind and body can be equally, if not more challenging.  Sitting still long enough to discover how and when our ‘problematic’ beliefs and attitudes contribute to our difficulties, is admittedly not easy.  We all know that running from our problems don't solve them. For this reason, amongst others, we need to develop some courage to honestly and compassionately face what we don’t like in ourselves. Awareness is the first step.

Having a bad temper has long been my biggest growth area.  After years of hard lessons, I’ve learnt to create some space around my tendency to flare up -- by acknowledging my habit, breathing deeply, and checking in with my body, I then decide how to act or not.   Allowing these feelings space to manifest (sitting with them), I am able to notice the tell tale signs of growing anger in my body.  By recognizing what is happening in my body, I am better able to pause my reactive spouting.  This has spared me and and other people from unnecessary pain.  A space, brief as a breath, is enough to make room in your thoughts, and feelings. 

Meditation is a great way of creating space in mind and emotions.  Mindfulness is especially effective because it trains us in arresting our reactivity, thereby creating a pause between the trigger incident and our response.  After clearly seeing what’s happening, you can then choose to act or not.  Mindfulness practise can also be extended into daily activities like walking, driving, working, and while relating to loved ones, co workers and friends.

Other effective healing modalities in releasing blocked energy and creating space is Pranic healing, Reiki and acupuncture.  These practises harmonize body, mind and spirit by decongesting blocked energies and revitalizing deficient energy spots in the body, mind and environment. 

May you be in harmony. 

CLASSES FOR HEART & MIND

Happy New Year!

To kick off this year stimulating both our hearts and minds, I'm going to be teaching two exciting classes through Campbell Adult Community Education:  

"Mindfulness: Practices to Grow Self Knowledge" 

Begins Saturday, Jan 25 -- Feb 15 (9:15AM to 11:15AM).  

Sign up for class 7026, by clicking here: http://www.cace.cuhsd.org/domain/29. 

Note:  the online title is slightly different, but rest assured it is the same class, "Mindfulness: Practices to 

Grow Self Knowledge."

"Basic Business Writing" 

Begins Tuesday, Jan 21 - March 18 (6.30PM to 8.00PM)

Sign up for class 8062 by clicking here http://www.cace.cuhsd.org/domain/29.

Please sign up or forward this link to anybody you know who may benefit or be interested in these classes.  I look forward to seeing you and/or meeting your friends.

Thank you.  May you have much peace, health and joy in this new year.  

Compliments of the Season

Friends,  

May you have wonderful holiday season.  I wish you much happiness, love and peace in the New Year.  

Thank you for your support.

Strategies for Holiday Eating…and other times, too

    One of the best strategies for eating this festive season is to eat mindfully.   Eating, in spite of its ‘ordinariness’, can also become an activity with several benefits:

·         it can help keep us healthier and trimmer

·         can become the gateway to discovering more about ourselves

·         can become a meditation practise

           

Eating for a Healthier You

     Eating mindfully helps as a weight-management strategy, and aids in making better eating choices. For most of us, we rarely eat when hungry.  In societies where access to food is easy, we become unconscious about the tendency to overeat.  Eating is a habit used to deal with unwanted feelings as we cram food to stuff emotions. And every time we eat, our attention is usually split, so we don’t really taste the food we are eating.

     However, when we eat meditatively, we consciously decide that the action of eating is what we are doing in the present moment, and we won’t rush through it to get to more “important” things.  We practise being present in mind, body and moment with the intention of noticing and enjoying each bite.

     To truly savor each bite, requires you to chew the food a number of times.  This slow chewing and tasting begins the digestive process in the mouth.  The intestines are then better able to absorb nutrients from the food which helps you be healthy.

     Slow chewing also signals the brain that the satiation point is being reached.  As you begin to feel fuller sooner, your appetite decreases.

     Another benefit of slow chewing is that you really begin to notice the taste of food and whether it agrees with you or not.  We may discover that what we eat is based on habit and access and not so much on preference.  This may influence future food choices. 

Discovering Yourself through Eating

    When you eat slowly and consciously, you grow awareness of what’s happening in your mind and body.  The slowing down of your physical body helps you to notice what’s transpiring in the mind. Your thoughts and ideas about food become clearer:  you are better able to recognize the ‘voices’ that cause you to overeat, the thoughts you have about self image, and fears you have about not having enough food etc.    

Learning to Eat Meditatively

    We notice all that is happening and we do not criticize ourselves.  Our task is simply to become aware of the interplay between thoughts, feelings, and our actions.  Being compassionate is important as eating is meant to be enjoyable and relaxing.   

Here’s how you eat meditatively:

    As you dish up your food, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings.  Are you worried there won’t be enough for seconds?  See what reaction this thought creates in your body – do you automatically reach for more food?

•  Sit down at the table.  Try not to read, listen to music, or talk. 
•  Before eating set an intention to enjoy the food, or to be mindful of each bite, or to thank the people who made it possible to have the food.  This act helps create a space between the preceding activity and what you are getting ready to do.

With eating meditation, you use all your senses:

o   First look at the food – see textures, colours, shapes. 

o   As you pick up the food, feel it; is it dry, hard, cold?

o   Smell the food as you bring it up to your mouth.  Notice what’s happening in your mouth and in your body.  Is your mouth watering?  Stomach growling? Does the smell trigger memories?

o   As you chew, pay attention to the changes the food undergoes.  From solid to liquid, tasty to bland.

o   Notice if you are already preparing your next bite even before you’ve finished swallowing. 

o   Become aware of what you do when the food begins to lose its intense flavor – do you automatically spoon more food into your mouth to prolong the pleasant taste?

·         If you are entertaining:

o   practise being aware that you are eating, talking, and laughing.  You are cultivating the habit of awareness. So try to be as present as possible noticing all that is happening in and around you as you enjoy the food, and the company of your friends and family.  

o   Chew your food and when you are done swallowing, put down your cutlery and then speak to guests.  This way you get to enjoy being with friends and with eating mindfully. 

    Be gentle with yourself.  You task is simply to notice.  As this habit deepens, you’ll grow your awareness and attitudes regarding food, and of the forces – earth, sun, bees, farmer, grocer– that go into making the food possible.  This awareness will increase the ability to see and appreciate the inter-connectedness of all things in life.

    Being present and enjoying our food is how we express gratitude for our good fortune to have food, this moment and life.

May you be healthy and happy.  

Building Immunity this Cold and Flu Season

In preparation for this winter’s colds and flu, here are some tips on naturally boosting immunity by using home remedies, herbs and spices, and fruits and vegetable. 

Home remedies –

Hydrotherapy – good water treatments for colds - soak in hot tub with eucalyptus oil, drink lots of fluids, rest in a pre-warmed bed, keep yourself warm throughout the day – do these 1 to 3 times a day.

Herbal Steam treatment – good for chest congestion - boil water, remove from stove, add essential oil (sage, balsam, eucalyptus), cover your head with a towel and breathe the steam for 5-10 minutes; repeat 2 to 3 times until symptoms subside.

Coughing – flushes out toxins in mucus from the body. Expectorants loosen mucus.  For coughs with hoarse voice – mix ¼ tsp black pepper with ghee/clarified butter; take on a full stomach.  For coughs without hoarseness, mix ¼ tsp black pepper with honey (also take on a full stomach).  [If coughs persist, see a doctor right away].     

Sore Throat – antimicrobials and astringents to fight infection and for gargling - Echinacea, Golden Seal, Garlic, Myrrh, and Red Sage, Balm of Gilead, Thyme and Eucalyptus [available at health food stores].

Herbs – especially good for strengthening immunity and fighting colds and flu:

Basil – good for fevers, colds, flu, headaches, nausea, vomiting.  Use in soup or as a tea.

Black Pepper – helpful for colds and sore throat; is an antifungal and antiparasitic.  Add to food.

Cardamom – warms the body.

Cayenne – benefits in fighting colds, flu and headaches. Use in soup.

Cinnamon – warms the system; treats coughing and wheezing. Use in cereals, teas.

Cloves – stimulating and relieves nausea; use in tea or soups.

Coriander leaf – relieves fever, aids digestion.  Use in soup or stew.

Cumin – warms the body; use in beans, soups and stew.

Fennel – soothes digestion, treats coughs and expels mucus. Use in tea or soup.

Garlic – antiparasitic and fights infections.  Fights colds, flu, sore throat, fever, coughs.  Use garlic oil for earache.  Add to soups, stews, salads.

Ginger – warms the body; strengthens digestion and circulation.  Excellent for colds, flu, bronchitis, coughs, pneumonia.  Use in soup and tea. 

Parsley – relieves fever; use in soups or stews.

Rosemary – treats headaches, nausea, and fever.

Sage – useful for fighting colds/flu in early stages; drink sage tea for easing sore throats

Thyme – Helps with bronchial problems and laryngitis – make into a tea.

Turmeric – breaks up congestion, benefits circulation, reduces fever

Cold/Flu Fighting Fruit and Vegetables – (avoid eating cold foods)

Apples – high in vitamin C; blood purifier and benefits the lympathic system. 

            Apricots – help strengthen the lungs.

            Artichokes – high in calcium, iron, vitamins A & C to fight off infections.

            Asparagus – blood builder

            Beets – blood builder, benefits digestive and lympathic systems, high in Vitamins A and minerals.

            Broccoli – high in vitamins A & C

            Cabbage – high in vitamin C, stimulates immune system, fights infection; high in calcium, potassium, minerals. 

            Celery – high in minerals, vitamins A and B1, cleanses blood.

            Cherries – blood builder, high in Iron; antibacterial.

            Collards – rich in calcium, good source of vitamins A & C; benefits respiratory and lymphatic system 

            Dandelion Greens – high in vitamin A, liver cleanser, stimulates the glands and detoxifies the body.

            Endive (narrow leaf) & Escarole (broad leaf) very high in vitamin A, iron, potassium, helps body fight infection.

            Figs – good laxative effect for cleansing toxins from the body.

            Garlic – (raw) is an antibacterial, antifungal, antiparasitic, and antiviral; stimulates the immune system.  Has favorable effect on mucous membranes of the throat, air passages of the lungs, is decongestant and expectorant; great for bronchitis and hay fever.

            Grapes – high in iron, good blood builder.

            Grapefruit – powerful liver cleanser and high in vitamin C; eat pulp and bitter white pith for best liver cleansing effect

Green Peppers – high in vitamin A for building resistance to colds and infection; high in vitamin C

Kale – high in vitamin A, iron and calcium.

Leeks – good for throat disorders and acute nasal discharges; good for respiratory system.

Lemons – high in vitamin C, which cleanses and aids liver function. Treats sore throats and colds, increases elimination through the skin which cools body and lowers fevers. 

Lettuce – high in vitamin A & C.

Limes – high in vitamin C.

Mangos – blood cleanser and reduces fever.

Melons – good source of minerals; high in beta carotene.

Mushrooms – high in niacin, protein & germanium which increases oxygen efficiency.  Stimulates immune system.

Mustard Greens – high in calcium and other minerals.

Onions – antibiotic, fights bronchial inflammations, colds and cleanses body of toxins.

Oranges – high in vitamin C, fights viral infections.

Papaya – rich in vitamins A, C, E and iron.

Parsley – rich in iron, copper and manganese and is a blood builder.

Pears – high in vitamin C and iron.

Pineapple – high in vitamin C, breaks down mucus.  

Potatoes – high in vitamin C, potassium, iron and vitamin B1; fight viral infections.

Pumpkin – high in vitamin B and C.

Raspberries – good source of vitamin A and C; cleanser of mucuous membranes and for removing toxins.

Spinach – source of vitamins C and A, iron, potassium; good for lymphatic system.

Strawberries – antiviral and high in vitamin C

Swiss Chard – high in vitamin A and C, potassium, sodium and calcium; wards off colds.

Turnips – high in vitamin C, treats bronchial problems.

Watercress – stimulates glandular function and strengthens liver and purifies the bloods.

Yams – antioxidant.       

                  

Please Note:  these suggestions aren’t intended as a prescription or diagnosis.  Be sure to visit your doctor for appropriate medical advice.  

References: 

Cituk, Kathy & Finnegan, John.  “Natural Foods and Good Cooking.”  Elysian Arts: Mill Valley, CA, 1989.

Gottlieb, Bill Ed. “New Choices in Natural Healing: Over 1800 of the Best Self-Help Remedies from the World of Alternative Medicine.”  Rodale Press Inc. 1995.

  

Difficult Opportunities

SQUEEZED

    This summer my sisters, from South Africa, visited.  We (my other sister who lives close by) were very excited, and expectations were soaring for fun outings and creative, bonding time.  Two weeks into the holiday, I noticed I was growing increasingly irritable.  I was tense and snappy to the point I found it hard to even smile at my sisters.

     Throughout my day, I kept asking myself “what’s going on here?”  I discovered I was hurt and disappointed that my sisters hadn’t come to stay at my place.  From the time they’d arrived, they’d settled in at my other sister’s home and had become comfortable there.   These feelings of disappointment and hurt became a story of rejection; that I was being rejected.  And rejection became expressed as anger.  After realizing what was going on, I talked with them.

     Often when we are in pain, the anger we express is an attempt to stop the hurt, and to feel better about ourselves.  Anger isn’t the root; it’s the fruit.  The root is the bone deep pain, which leaves us bleeding and vulnerable.  Rather than viewing this space of pain and vulnerability as bad or by reactively shoving it aside, we can see it as full of potential.

     Such moments of ‘weakness’ help us see where we are stuck, or where we have a blind spot.  Our habit is to surround ourselves with things, people, and situations that bolster us and stroke our egos, which isn’t necessarily wrong or right.  It is just that as long as everything is hunky dory, we never take the time to learn about ourselves,and to discover where we still need to grow.  We only want to see ourselves as strong and holding it all together; we don’t like seeing our weaknesses.

      The gift we are given when our fallibilities are exposed is like a wake-up call to notice what’s happening.  It is the sign that this is an area where I need to be more open, flexible, and kind or whatever. 

The intention isn’t to overcome all these ‘neuroses, or failings’ to become perfect.  Instead it is about training to refrain from indulging in habitual reactions born out of pain and which increase our and others' suffering.

     Rather than shutting down or repressing uncomfortable emotions, we can choose to sit with the discomfort: anger, fear, worry, and hurt.  We pay attention to what happens in us as we remain with the feelings.  We notice how the mind weaves a story to justify the hurt or fuel the anger.   We see how the body – the chest and stomach harden, and the facial muscles tense up.  We observe all this, and do so with kindness for ourselves and the other person/people.

     Compassion and non judgment of what’s occurring is important because the tendency for some would be to retaliate against oneself rather than someone else.  Such retaliation would still be playing out old patterns of reacting.  The aim here is to grow awareness of how we react when we are exposed and hurt, so in such future episodes we catch ourselves sooner and thereby lessen our and others pain. We practise in this way to recognize what’s happening in the moment and within us to avoid reacting in ways that hook us and keep us repeating unhelpful patterns. 

      So with kindness and gentleness we notice what’s happening and we cultivate the attitude that despite the situation being embarrassing, frightening, or distressing, it is a learning opportunity.  

    Obviously this is a lifetime’s work – awareness and clear seeing is required each moment in life.  And each moment also presents the opportunity to start fresh. 

     May you be happy.