Forgiving: a way to healing

As I write this and look out the window, the storm clouds are swooping in and the darkening sky is threatening heavy rains.  Newly sprung leaves and buds on the tree outside my window are shrinking as the temperature drops.  It certainly doesn’t look or feel like Spring. But Easter is around the corner.  And we most commonly think of Easter as a time of rebirth, reawakening and renewal.  What other meanings does this time of year connote? 

Recently I was on a phone call.  And the person on the other end asked me why someone we both knew was always angry with her.  Their relationship has always been strained, and labors under much unspoken feelings of betrayal, misjudgments, assumptions and habitual reactions.  Both parties suffer confusion, anger, and deep hurt.  This person said she was willing to apologize for whatever wrong she might have done, so that they could heal the rift. Knowing this was a situation they needed to resolve between themselves, I suggested that she directly ask the person.  I reminded her, the only thing within her power was to request forgiveness. If the other person was unable to hear, accept or grant it, then she would have to forgive herself, and if able, to wish the best for the other person. This conversation reminded me of another meaning of Easter and Spring – forgiving and forgiveness.

I pondered why someone would willingly choose to hold onto anger when anger weighs so heavily and forgiveness sits so lightly on the soul.  For most of us, reactions rule our way of being.  In some cases (not all obviously) we aren’t fully aware of the harm we cause others and ourselves with our actions and words.  A downside to our adaptability and resilience is that we can grow accustomed to even those things that are uncomfortable and unpleasant.  So, if the other person spurns the request for forgiveness, it may be because being angry has now become a habit.

One way of moving closer to learning to forgive ourselves and others is by becoming intimately aware of how much conditioning rather than thoughtful responses govern our thoughts, actions and feelings.  This knowledge combined with the acceptance of our own fallibility, moves us further on the path to practicing more forgiveness in our life.

A process for forgiving yourself and others

·                            Start slow and small.  In other words, if you are seeking or giving forgiveness, practice how to do this on the little issues and disagreements in life.  Avoid the hot button or traumatic episodes in the beginning.

·                            If it is hard to consider forgiving someone, then recall some situation where you may have hurt or harmed someone.

·                            Do a guided visualization where you are asking for this person’s forgiveness. Feel what it feels like when this person grants your wish.

·                            Then practice extending this same generosity and compassion towards a person needing your forgiveness.

      Forgiveness benefits both parties.  The advantages to forgiving are: we feel lighter and freer, we are granted the opportunity to practice compassion and generosity, we are reminded of our own human frailty and our connectedness to all beings, and we enjoy healthier, happier relationships.  

The ability to truly forgive someone else begins with our ability to forgive ourselves.  If you’d like guidance on how to do this then visit this link: Neuroscientist, Dr Rick Hanson’s 10 Steps to Forgiving Yourself provides a compassionate and clear path to accepting our humanness and working on self forgiveness. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rick-hanson-phd/forgive-yourself_b_906769.html 

Lent to break routines...

Do we know what we prioritize and value in our life? Are we able to recognize when we need something? Or do we simply go along with whatever sweeps us up in life?    The daily demands placed on us by so many things—family, work, studies, friends – makes it extremely easy to overlook our need in the larger scheme of things.

This weekend was the second occasion when a Reiki client failed to show up for an attunement session.  After my initial flash of irritation when she cancelled at the last minute, I began to wonder what causes a person to do this.  She is clearly interested in learning Reiki, but what is it then that becomes the priority, which pushes aside what she wants for herself?  Perhaps she is unable to value herself and her needs? Perhaps she isn’t in the right space to set aside the time to learn this now.  Perhaps she’s overwhelmed by all that life is demanding of her.

This struggle to balance needs and responsibilities is familiar to us, and can be so overwhelming that we often are barely aware of our needs, let along being able to prioritize them.  But there’s something that can help.  Another way of viewing cultural or religious periods of abstinence and fasting is that they help us recalibrate our life.  How?

Fasting periods like Lent (literally lent to us) apply the brake on our hectic schedules; they serve as a break from the routine. Routine activities, often dictated by others’ demands, dominate our day.  When these demands become so habitual, we do them on auto pilot.  This is why we can do the laundry, wash the dishes, cook a meal, and drive home without being aware of how it is getting done.  Being this absent from such a large part of our own life is not wise.

Another benefit that participating in a fasting period provides is that it make us become more conscious of our actions.  For instance, if we’ve chosen to abstain from alcohol, candy or cigarettes during this period, we have to be extra conscious to not let our conditioning and habitual patterns take over. Consequently we become more alert and attentive to all we do, say and put into our mouths.  We become present.  And this is valuable.  Even though consciousness requires effort, it is an investment in self.  The first step towards a peaceful and meaningful life on purpose is self care.    

Our ability to recognize what we value and need is integral in our ability to effectively help or serve others.  Sometimes all we need is a tiny break in routine for something to become clear. Self care doesn’t have to be an expedition to a mountain or a retreat it can be just a few moments of quiet listening and honoring an inner calling.  

Gratitude increases happiness

On Sunday morning, I wanted to go for a bike ride on the San Tomas Aquino Creek Trail from Monroe Street in Santa Clara to Milpitas.  But my bike tires were flat and with the rain clouds looming overhead, I thought a brisk walk, before the rain, would have to suffice.  As I walked it occurred to me that every time I wanted to bicycle, my bike was ready and the weather was fine.  I expected it to be so and it was…until it wasn’t. 

As if underscoring this point, on Tuesday I was doing Reiki on a client when she said “guess what happened today?” Grinning, she said “today I had a shower…after one year of sponge baths! I can’t tell you how great that felt.” I wondered had she ever thought there would be a time in her life when she would have been this happy to take a shower?

We all overlook the things that bring us pleasure, or make the day easier, or help us feel better; this is our nature.  It seems it is easier for us to pay attention to what doesn’t work rather than what does work. But if we pay attention to even just one thing that makes us feel good in a day, we’ll feel a lightness enter our beings.  For e.g. if you love going to work because you feel are living your life’s purpose, or if you are able to reach down and pick up your child for a peck on the cheek, or if you can wrap your hand around your coffee cup and feel its warmth, then these are things to be grateful for.  Happiness and joy visit us in these easily missed moments.   

When we begin this practice of being thankful for what went well or made us feel good in a day, then we become even more open and receptive to such moments in life.  And the truly remarkable thing about noticing what is going right is that it makes us feel better about ourselves, other people and life in general.  And when we feel good, it is easy for us to be kind to those around us.

 So even if it seems like there’s absolutely nothing working in your life, look again and you’ll discover in this moment you are breathing and you are alive. And that is a lot to be thankful for.

…and her face changed…

Boy, how often we believe we are on top of things and then someone points out something that’s been staring us in the face (pun intended).

Recently, a friend came over and while we were sipping warm mushroom barley soup and noshing on open-face tuna sandwiches, she asked me if I had a Facebook account.  As I was spelling out my name, she was busily typing it into her IPhone.  When my Facebook page popped up on her phone, she said “Oh, so this was a photo from a few years ago?” 

Only a momentary hesitation preceded my burst of laughter.  Embarrassed, she quickly added, “Well…, you’re not wearing your glasses in this picture.” 

Still laughing, I said “Clearly it is time to update that pic.”

Fair warning friends, brace yourselves because you are going to see a latest picture of me up on my wall, hmmm…

Any similar ‘reminders’ come your way?  Feel like sharing?

Our loves lead to our life’s work…

While walking at Maywood Park on Pruneridge Avenue, I heard the sounds of a flute drifting on the warm air currents; a man was sitting in his car practicing on a flute. Hearing this dedicated musician, I wondered why don’t I practice my drumming more? Isn’t this the way for many of us? We are forced to face our lack of determination, when we encounter someone else’s discipline. I was reminded of a fact about British guitarist, Peter White:  he taught himself to play the guitar at age 8.  So, what do they have that allows them to take up something and persevere at it? 

 Love.  When someone loves doing something, then they can practice for hours and do so tirelessly.  This love, passion, drive, desire or whatever we call this internal motivation or determination can’t be overemphasized. Living from this part of ourselves feels as if we are moving in alignment with our purpose for being. 

Everything in life we do, healthy or unhealthy, gives us some payback, which keeps us coming back for more.  The feedback we get while engaged in a much loved activity is the feeling of being separated from our thoughts and critical mind; we enter into a “zone” of pure response and flow from moment to moment. Very few activities in life provide us this valuable meditative space, and we can use it as a stepping stone to guide us on our path to living a fulfilled life.

 Discovering your purpose

The first step in living your purpose and discovering “what you want to do in life,” is to consciously acknowledge what you love doing. 

·        Begin by making a list of all the things you love doing.  Write down everything no matter how big or small, important or inconsequential.  This is a list for your eyes only so try not to censor yourself.

·        If this is overwhelming, then as much as possible, begin to pay attention to what you do in a day.  Notice which tasks are easy for you, uplift you, are enjoyable, and also take note of those which drain or deplete you. 

Doing these simple exercises will help guide you on your path to living a passionate and meaningful life.

After you’ve identified the things that enliven you, begin to work on trying to make that a reality in life.  Start researching what your ideal job, career, or path will look like on a daily basis, what education or skills you’ll need to acquire, who and what contacts you’ll need to make to further yourself in that career. By becoming familiar with your path and life’s work, you’ll know what it takes to make this possible in your life.

One of the dangers of loving something is that we tend to become attached to the outcome manifesting a certain way.  Sometimes what you truly love doing may not allow you to fulfill your responsibilities, so it may have to become or remain a hobby or vocation (paid or unpaid) you engage in on weekends and evenings.  Many people have discovered that doing the hobby they love as a full time job robs it of the freedom, free flowing expression and loose time frame they so thrived on. So learn to let go of how you want things to unfold and remember to keep what you want clearly in focus.

 And also know that discovering your passions and loves isn’t wasted effort.  When you know what truly fulfills and energizes you, you become clear about what you value in life.  And then you’ll endeavor so much more to honor that part of yourself, as it most clearly moves you in the direction of living a passionate and meaningful life.    

Thank You's 

Woohoo!! My web page is finally up!!

 No one could have been more surprised than me at how absorbing and exciting this process turned out to be.  Prior to this experience, I’d never done anything technical, really.  And I couldn’t have done this without the help of my pal, Shino, DarkUFO and Blogger.NiteCruzer  who provided step-by-step directions on linking up my custom domain with my Blogger account.

Thank you too, to all the people who answer questions on blog threads as they are so valuable to technically and technology challenged people like me.  Thank you all for your help.